My Times in His Hands

Our Times in His Hands...

2012-02-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ps 31:14-15a

Yep, that about SUMS IT UP!

His “Plan A” all along.

Yes.

Haven’t had the eloquence of word flow lately, just processing lots in this crazy mixed-up head.

Tears.

Joy.

Grief.

Hope.

Trust.

Gifts.

Sorrow.

Goodness.

Thankfulness.

Purpose.

Response.

So when God throws a curve ball –a change up- across my home plate, when I completely expected the straight strike, I haven’t had much time to think…just swing…and trust that my training kicks in. I hope that in the training, I’ve conditioned my muscle’s memory, that my response is fluid, natural, involuntary.

We have been tested, sure.

How much is too much? Can my faith hold…again?

Yes!

Fear?

Yes.

Hope?

Yes.

Trust?

Yes.

Lots of Prayer.

Back in October, Halloween to be exact, Mike and I learned some news that would stretch and grow us. We were surprised, scared, happy, confused, and needless to say emotional. I couldn’t believe it. The little stick read POSITIVE.

Could this REALLY be happening?

I was so confident so sure that our family was complete when I was expecting Emilie. People had told me “you will KNOW when you are done.”

And, while I was pregnant, I felt D-O-N-E!

But my heart began to change as I sat there on the hospital bed last April…holding the cold body of my baby girl…my beauty for ashes…

Could I be done? Could I be content with this? Was that it for our family?

Confusion.

Yes.

I turned it over to the Lord. I couldn’t make that decision.

If it was His plan for our family to not have any more children, then He would close up my womb…shut me down…and I was OK with that.

(You See, from some comments we’ve gotten, our culture thinks WE control this, that Mike and I need a reminder from our doctor on how this baby thing “happens.” But, NO child is created apart from God’s Hand!! He is in complete control! It’s not just OUR trying, I have enough friends that try and try and still have empty arms. Ok, stepping down now…)

So, to our amazement, just 6 months after I sat on that hospital bed holding my precious Emilie, God began knitting together a new life in me. With each of our other pregnancies it took at least a year to get pregnant, so we weren’t exactly expecting this to happen…now… But, I have peace…PEACE in the fact that this is HIS PLAN, HIS TIMING.

I have not been overwhelmed with fear or worry. His Grace!!

Grace.

Yes.

Not that I don’t have days, but as I REMEMBER His faithfulness and goodness, I give my worries to Him and choose to TRUST. Choose to be thankful in the small. Choose to recognize his daily grace. Choose Joy.

Choose.

Yes.

Thankful His shoulders can bear much more than mine!

I’ve seen the doctor about 4 times with ultrasounds each visit. Everything continues to look perfect. Today was my 19 week visit. They took their time looking over every detail of our baby. Measuring…head, abdomen, femur…all 9 ounces of HER. Identifying parts of the brain, chambers of the heart, spine, kidneys, fingers and toes, and the umbilical cord’s 3 arteries/vein. Each precious part knit together as God Himself intended.

Our baby GIRL is wonderfully made.

Yes, just like each one of her siblings.

I swallowed hard -laying there- as the “baby girl” realization hits. “Everything looks perfect,” I hear them say. My mind races back to the moment I hear those same words while expecting Emilie, week after week up until week 37 when I see on the screen that her heart had stopped beating and after receiving the test results months after her body lay in the ground. No explanations…everything looked “perfect.” I thought to myself, “Really? One more detail I have to trust you with, Lord? But, but…I can deliver healthy boys?!”

“WHY’s?”

Yes.

But…I choose to TRUST again…

He already KNOWS the outcome…He’s with us each step of the way…

However, this trusting thing will be a constant battle of heart and mind, I’m sure…until she’s CRYING in my arms.

Trent and Drew are SO, SO excited! They bolted in the door after school and asked “Boy or Girl, Mom?” I get out the ultrasound pics and show them the black and white type “girl!” Drew said, “That’s what I’ve been praying!” Trent asks, “And she’s healthy?”

Yes.

They just laugh with excitement!

Laugh.

Yes.

Trust.

Yes.

We’ve been reading with them from The Jesus Story Book Bible. I just love the repetitive description of God’s love for us despite our doubting, our failing, our unbelief, no matter what, time after time, over and over again…God loves us with a “Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.”

Let’s all Trust Him…after all, All of our times are in His Hands.

“In [His] hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.” –Job 12:10

F-I-V-E

2011-12-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

I think about what might have been...

...about what might not have been...

...if YOU had never been...

...and today, we choose to celebrate this day that you were born...

...thankful to have had 1 hour and 42 minutes...

...especially, knowing now what it's like not to have that precious time...

...grateful for that answer to prayer...

...thankful for lessons learned...

...full of hope that YOU, Noah, were made not just for this earthly life, but for eternity, and we'll get to see you again...

...in disbelief that 5 years have passed...

...heartwarming to know T & D look forward to sending you balloons...and made sure we knew this morning before they left for school that it was important to them...

...amazed at the special group of friends that share in our sorrow -still- and lift us up in prayer continually, what a treasure...

...thankful for His Provision and Goodness through it all...

...but still missing you, Noah...

And...2 years later...

2011-08-30T13:42:00.000-04:00

I've finished Joanna Claire's story book. If you'd like to look through the pictures or read some of my thoughts click here. It will direct you to Picaboo's webiste. Just a helpful tip: Click on the page you want to see/read and it will zoom in. Click again on the zoomed page to go back.

And...I promise more posts to come...we've had a busy, busy summer!

Everthing I Need...

2011-07-07T14:50:00.003-04:00

and other random thoughts on grief.

3 months

Hard to swallow today.

Haven’t written in a while…

No words

Thoughts I’d rather keep secret…shame

Tired of the tears
…of questions to which I have no answers

Incomplete thoughts…mental blanks…no insight…so inadequate
GRIEF
Exhausted
Feeling lost

Missing her
Missing what should have/could have been
Where is my joy in the morning?
Missing her smiles, her blue eyes, her chubby thighs
Wanting to comb hair, place bows, pick out dresses

Constant reminders

Daily reminders here, there, and everywhere
Seeing the same dresses my Emilie was supposed to look so cute in on other babies
Why don’t I get the “happy ending too?”

Frustrated: trying to “suck in” my still swollen belly

Sick of my heart not surrendering to the truths I’m forced to keep telling myself
Feeling beaten up, wounded, bloodied…tired of the constant battle

Wishing my house was not so quiet
My Heart leaps, I Look around and past the hall to “her” room when I hear an infant’s cry only to realize my stupidity when I hear that it’s just coming from the tv commercial for NBC’s new show ‘Up All Night”

Hating the unknown…the triggers…wondering when I’ll get blind sighted with grief, her absence, tears pouring out – recalling only the brief memory of her. Did this really happen to me?

Awkward pause, lump in my throat, when I try to figure out what I should now call “her room” – it’s not just an office anymore. No, “computer room” or “boy’s game room” isn’t fitting either. I want it to be HER room. I want her to be here!

Wondering what the future holds

Trying not to feel defeated or slapped in the face while I reason with myself that His plans are perfect, it’s for my good…for the third time.

Grappling with the fact that His ways are not my ways…knowing my place (on my knees) before my Creator…not wanting to put Him in a place of submission to me and what I think He should do.

Wanting clarity
Wanting to see the big picture
Asking myself what I still need to learn…that I didn’t get the first 2 times.

Constant cycle:
Anger
Disappointment
More questions
Heart ACHE
Tears
Submission
More tears

Injustice of uncaring, irresponsible girls/women having babies
Why not me?

Reconciling the “knowing” and “feeling
Faith? Hope? Love? Really?
Yes,
Faith! Hope! Love! Really!
How will You use this hurt, Lord?
Will You redeem it? …soon? …Please!
How could You use me?
How will You use my husband, Trent & Drew, Noah, Joanna, and Emilie?
I want to SEE, I want to trust, but I feel like a failure.
Keep me tender toward Your Spirit, give me strength to persevere, and to be faithful when it’s REALLY hard.

Give me a heart and mind focused on eternal things.

I’m praying others SEE YOU through me, even though I struggle…even though I question.
Redeem it, Lord, the sadness, the pain, the tears, the questions, the dirt and the ashes,
ALL of it.

And since I TRUST You WILL…

Help me as I wait for Your time!

Everything I Need

In case you didn't believe it...

2011-06-28T18:06:00.000-04:00

Here is

proof

that we do indeed have a

clone trooper

living with us!

Best Quote of the Week!

2011-06-28T13:22:00.001-04:00

As I was saying goodnight to the boys and tucking Trent in, he said "Mom, I love it when you tuck me in." I smiled and then he said, "Guess who's gonna miss you when they go to college!"

Love that kid :)...and SO glad college is a ways off yet!

So thankful for the time I've been given to raise these 2 wonderful boys!

S-T-R-IIIIIIIIIII-K-E!

2011-06-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

This little video is the last of the 3 stike outs Trent had IN A ROW this week. Dad had to pay up and stop at the gas station on the way home to get 'T' some sunflower seeds! I guess it was just enough of an incentive...Trent rose to the challenge and made it happen :) (or I guess some would say he was lucky) Whatever the case, it was fun to see!

Feelin' Crafty

2011-05-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago I came across this post at Little Birdie Secrets. It looked like a quick and easy project for me to do for Teacher Appreciation Week. It was something to keep my hands busy while the boys were at school and ached to be caring for Emilie. It also gave me a ~~good~~ excuse to procrastinate on doing some housework. Here is what my finished bookmarks looked like.

Some of you may remember what I made at the end of last school year for Trent's teacher. If your looking for another idea, try this. The "crayon initial shadowbox" was a big hit, Trent's teacher hung it by her desk and likes to tell me about all the comments she receives on it. Do you have any favorite homemade teacher gifts?

Hey...

2011-05-24T08:00:00.004-04:00

batter,

batter,

batter.

BASEBALL is in FULL SWING for Trent. Drew starts later this week!

Mother's Day

2011-05-23T14:01:00.001-04:00

We traveled up to Michigan to spend the weekend with Mike's mom. A bittersweet day for me...wish I could hug and squeeze all 5 of my kiddos. Thankful, still, for the blessing of being a mom. Hopfully I can do as good of a job as both our moms did for us! Love you, Mom!

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day

With little time to stop and pray

For life's been anything but calm

Since You called on me to be a mom

Running errands, matching socks

Building dreams with building blocks

Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes

And other stuff that children lose

Fitting lids on bottled bugs

Wiping tears and giving hugs

A stack of last weeks mail to read

So where's the quiet time I need?

Yet when I steal a minute, Lord

Just at the sink or ironing board

To ask the blessings of Your grace

I see then, in my small one's face

That you have blessed me

All the while

And I stop to kiss

That precious smile 

Mother's Day Gift

2011-05-23T14:00:00.002-04:00

Had to share some of the cute quotes from Drew's mother's day project So sweet!

These were sentences started by Drew's teacher and he had to fill in the blank...

"I make my mom happy by...giving her things I make."

"My mom takes care of me by...feeding and taking care of me."

"If I could, I would buy my mom...a big jewel - as big as me!"

"The most special times with my mom are...when we go out to lunch together."

"My mom always says...Drewvy, Drewvy, Drewvy." (yes, usually shaking my head as I say it!)

"My mom cooks the best...egg sandwiches."

"My mom really loves...me and Trent."

"My mom and I like to...go to Tokens-n-Tickets."

"My mom's favorite clothes to wear are...pink shirts."

"My mom is beautiful because she...loves me and she loves my brother."

Thankful...

2011-05-23T13:37:00.000-04:00

for rainy afternoons to watch Drew "work." What a sweet little artist!

How to Pray for Grieving Parents

2011-05-20T18:32:00.002-04:00

Many of you have asked specifically how you can pray for us...so I put a list together. I hope this gives you some ideas. We are so THANKFUL for your prayers!! We know that God is pouring out His grace on our family. He is kind and generous to meet our every need - and then some! Thank you for helping to carry our burdens, and sit and get dirty with us in these ashes!

A friend shared a list of what she is praying for us…

Pray…

That God would be our refuge. (unshakable trust) Ps 11:1
That God’s love and presence surround us day and night. Rom 8:38-39
That God’s strength would help us through the grieving process. Ps 27:13-14, 29:11
That we will accept God’s wisdom, knowledge, judgments (decisions), and ways rather than ask “why.” Rom 11:33, Prov. 3:5-6, Is. 55:8-9 (That I wouldn’t obsess with the “what if’s.” The doctors could find NO medical reason as to why Emilie died; she was perfect in every way. This is hard to understand, but I must accept the mystery and trust that God knew the exact number of her days, that He is still on “plan A”, and no matter what I think I could have done to change the outcome – this was no mistake.)
That we will not doubt God’s goodness or faithfulness. Rom. 8:28-29
That guilt and depression will not overtake us. Phil 4:8
That our marriage will be strengthened as we grieve uniquely. That we’d give each other the freedom to grieve differently. That communication will remain open and honest.
That they will balance grief with their responsibilities as parents. (purposeful and consistent in love and discipline)
For mom’s physical health - recovery from giving birth and restful sleep.
That our boys would be protected during this confusing time as mom and dad grieve, and that they might have a sense of normalcy and security.
That, in time, relationships with other moms (especially those who have daughters) be restored.

Some other things I thought of to pray for…

• That we would not feel alone, but sense God’s presence, and lean on the Holy Spirit as our Helper and Comforter and Truth.

• That we would experience His peace like never before, and grace sufficient for each day/minute.

• That the Lord would guard our hearts from words that hurt instead of comfort.

• For wisdom to discern “what to do next” and know “where to go from here.”

• That we could begin to see His plan…a mere glimpse of the purpose of our pain…for the third time.

• That we choose to be gracious and kind to each other instead of justifying criticism and frustration when we are hurting and sad.

• That we’ll be honest with our emotions and won’t be afraid to cry. (I wish I could just jump to the other side of the grief – been there done that, after all – but we must go THROUGH it. The process can be daunting.)

• That we would not waiver in our trust, hope, or joy in our sovereign Heavenly Father, nor would we lose our praise even through the tears.

• Even though life goes on (much more quickly for everyone else) that we know/trust God is with us right where we are. Remembering that He hears our cry and sees our tears.

• That we’d always be mindful of the hope of heaven. That we’d be eternally focused and not be comfortable to get caught up in the “stuff” of this world.

• That our family will overcome the spiritual battles; that Satan would fail in his plans to harm us because we continue (through His strength) to cling to Christ.

• That through our loss, because of our children Noah, Joanna, and Emilie, people will see the need for a personal relationship with God.

• That in time we can comfort others with the comfort that we received.

• That we would not hold tight fisted “our” children or “our” things. That we see them as gifts entrusted to our care for the time being.

Where I'm at...What I'm LEARNING...Lament

2011-05-05T12:46:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that I was reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card?! It has been so helpful for me to think through, process, and reconcile my emotions of grief with my faith.

I want to share some of his thoughts on Job. He addresses the questions about how Job is able to maintain his sanity and his faith through all the trials. Card says,

“By what means is he able to hold on to his hope, to his God, while the first notes of the song of this impossible completed equation begin to resonate? The answer: by means of the counterpoint of another song, the song of lament. Lament keeps the door open, keeps Job on the dance floor with God till the music is over, until the two tunes are resolved.”

The dissonance of the two converging “songs” comes from the contradiction between two different ways of thinking. Israel had this equation about how the world worked. If they kept the Torah then God would bless them, and conversely, if they broke His laws then God must punish them. Yet, at some point in history, questions arose in which this formula had no answers…i.e. Job. Even though he had been “righteous” he still suffered loss and illness. There is no simple equation like this to live by. If anybody should prosper from this equation, after all, it should be Job! Michael Card poses that idea that

“God was preparing His people for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

Job’s “frustrated outpouring allows him to stay in the ring while everyone on the sidelines shouts at him to throw in the towel. By the end of the book, I always imagine Job and God standing with their arms around each other like a couple of weary boxers. Job’s jaw is swollen. One of his eyes is black. He must keep one arm around his Opponent in order to remain upright. But he has a grin on his bloody face that comes from the knowledge that it was never about winning the fight. It had absolutely nothing to do with being right. It was always, only about being faithful. Job has survived the prescribed number of bouts. He has finished his race. His reward? Does he get his children back? No, he gets God back.”

Card then shares about Job’s response to each of his losses. He points out verse 20 of chapter 1. Job physically made the motions of mourning, tearing his rob and shaving his head. But...

“what he does next, however, is totally unexpected, even unimaginable. What he does…seems unthinkable, almost impossible.

‘Then he fell to the ground in worship.’

Job is the sort of man who will simply not let go of God. To him, this is what worship means. He will stubbornly cry out in the groaning of this lament, which is worship, until God answers…Job stubbornly insists on maintaining the dialogue with the God who, for a while longer, remains infuriatingly silent. He continues to offer up to Him all his suffering, his suicidal groaning, his confusion and hurt, even his own deep disappointment with God. He has come to the desperate understanding that there is no other place to take them but to God.”

STAY WITH ME…I know this post is long, but THERE’S MORE GOOD STUFF…

“Today we would ask Job to leave all these negative emotions at the church door. They are not appropriate to nor do they fit inside the narrow confines of our definition of worship. And so, likewise, those of us who have nothing else to offer but our laments find the door effectively closed in our faces. It cost Job everything to teach us this lesson. It is time we learned it.

Worship is not only about good feelings, joy, and prosperity, though they are at the heart of it. While Jesus would pronounce a blessing on those who mourn we pronounce this curse. Those who ‘labor and are heavy laden’ can find no place in our comfortable churches to lay their burdens. We reason, ‘Who could possibly conceive of a God who would want to receive such worthless empty offerings?’ But Job desperately clings to such a God, one who encourages us to offer everything to Him, every joy and every sorrow. All our broken hearts. All our contrite spirits. Because He is worth it.”

I guess what I’m realizing is that what I thought was a lack of faith and trust in God (my emotions of disappointment, betrayal, and anger directed at God, who chose not to ACT when he could have saved my babies) really isn't. It is more like a boxing match. I can duke it out, while leaning on Him to keep from falling, and when I’m weary and exhausted from the fight…I’m still standing before the prize. So, I go back to Card’s earlier point… “God was preparing His people [You and Me] for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they [You and Me] had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job [You and Me] might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

So, I'm Learning...

to pour out my hurts,

my frustrations,

my brokenness,

and my disappointments before God as an offering...

He is the God who can and will...

make all things new, (Rev. 21:5)

give me a new song to sing, (Ps 40:3)

and who will give joy in the morning. (Ps 30:5b)

Beautiful Riddle

2011-05-01T15:53:00.000-04:00

Matthew 13: 34-35

Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable. So was fulfilled what was spoken through the prophet:

“I will open my mouth in parables,

I will utter things hidden since the creation of the world.”

Beautiful Riddle

Emilie Alyse, what a mystery,
You, dear child, are a beautiful riddle.

You've left us here, left us with questions,
For you, sweet girl, are a beautiful riddle.

Even your name, Industrious and Noble,
Emilie Alyse, is a beautiful riddle.

Just like the disciples, we don’t understand this parable,
We need Jesus, little one, to explain this beautiful riddle.

We miss you so dearly, while we await the final answer,
To you, Precious Babe, and your beautiful riddle.

We love you, Emilie Alyse.
We love you, Beautiful Riddle.

~Written by Uncle Kevin ~ April 2011

A Grief Moment

2011-04-29T17:06:00.001-04:00

So today I'm having a Psalm 13:1-2 kind of day.

Let me explain.

This was part of the passage that our pastor shared at Emilie's Memorial Service. When we talked with him earlier in the week, he asked what verses had been a comfort to me. I shared that I could relate well to Psalm 13 and Psalm 40:1-4. So, he expounded on these passages and I wanted to share a little bit.

“ 1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide you face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

The first two verses David (who, by the way, experienced the loss of his baby boy) cries out in PROTEST. It just seems like God is absent, like He was not there on Wednesday when Emilie all but stopped moving. My faith, like David’s, expected God to not just be aware of what was going on, but to DO something about it. And because He didn’t, I/We ask “WHY?” I cry out, “You could have fixed this, God! We planned for her to come home…I was going to watch her grow up, watch her giggle with her brothers, smile when I saw her snuggle up in her daddy’s lap, bake cookies and snitch the dough, go shopping… this was my little GIRL, my beauty for ashes…WHY, GOD?”

I was encouraged as I reflected on David’s complaints…this was THE man after God’s own heart, after all. He had Faith! He expected God to be ACTIVE, and when it felt as though God was absent, he questioned. This was not a complaint out of faithlessness BUT because faith existed. David, Job, and even Jesus show us by example that prayers of complaint can also be prayers of faith. I’ve been reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and he says, “…Lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith – not a denial of it. It is supreme honesty before a God whom my faith tells me I can trust…Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world.”

In verses 3 & 4, David’s protest melts into PRAYER. David decides instead of continuing his complaint, He would as God for help. See, his faith never left, it just questioned, and that’s ok. God’s big enough for our questions! He realizes that God is our only resource, our hope. Despite his emptiness and confusion, David doesn’t stop pursuing God. He prays, “Consider me…Look at me…Be active in my heart.”

In verses 5 & 6, Prayer transitions to PRAISE. David remembers that God is Trustworthy. He has trusted in the past and knows/experienced God’s lovingkindness. It has been his rock in the past and so his heart will rejoice that this remains true - now and in the future. Like David and Job, we have wounds, marks, cuts, bruises, pains, and hemorrhages all over our soul, but it is not dead. We are broken but not destroyed. We plead for Him to show us His lovingkindness, and because we know He is faithful, we will sing again.

You know, I wish this process was quick, I wish it was a once-and-done kind of a thing, BUT IT’S NOT. Every day is different. I can be at the Praise phase and dissolve back to the Protest phase in mere seconds. I never know what will trigger the “Why’s” or the burning tears. So, I sit in a heap of ashes again and find myself fighting my way back through the Psalm 13 process…How long God?

Several things around the house have triggered tears lately…her room - the door closed; scratching some paint splatters off of the sink from when we cleaned out the brushes and roller; finding some plastic cups we bought months ago for grandmas house – a red, a blue, and…a pink one. There are constant reminders of having planned her into our family, into our future,

and we miss her...

...Terribly...

...and that's just how grief is...

...it rears it's ugly head at any time...

...it's unpredictable, and let me just vent a bit...I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! It's a road I'm intimately acquainted with, unfortunately, and I just wish I could jump to the other side where things are a bit more tidy, the tears are fewer, I see things more clearly, I can finish my sentences, and I can see a glimpse of some purpose in the pain.

But they don't call it the grief JOURNEY for nothing...and today,

I just don't like it!

Memorial Service

2011-04-13T16:44:00.000-04:00

Memorial Service

for

Emilie Alyse Koning

Saturday, April 16

2:00 pm

Wallen Baptist Church

1001 W. Wallen Road

Fort Wayne, IN 46825

What happened?

2011-04-13T02:44:00.001-04:00

Our hearts ache tonight. For those of you who don't know or were confused by my last post...

Emilie Alyse Koning was stillborn.

We don't know why or what happened.

Wednesday afternoon/evening I was getting uneasy as I hadn't felt her move much. She has been very active, so it was a bit troubling to this momma. I mentioned it to Mike and I drank some pop with dinner. It had been a busy day, so I keep talking myself down that I really wasn't paying that good of attention, I just needed to put my feet up or lay down because everything was going to be fine. I debated back and forth whether I should call the doctor on call, or even pay the stinking co-pay and just go to the hospital to get checked out...KNOWING that the next morning I had a scheduled doctors appointment WITH an ultrasound. I didn't want to be the paranoid mom.

Now remember, each visit the doctor/midwife would reassure me that everything was going perfectly. I heard things like, "you've got a HAPPY baby", "you're doing so well!", "you know you really have to believe that everything is going to be fine this time!" I had questions, and I'd share concerns, and time after time the doctor/midwife would tell me not to listen to any other voices than theirs...and EVERYTHING LOOKED FINE!

I didn't even call the office at 8 or 9 to see if I could get in earlier (my appointment was at 10:45), I just prayed everything would be alright and trusted that it WOULD be...everything is fine, I'm just over sensitive, right!

So, I left Mike at home to finish painting the last coat in the baby's room. "After all, everything would be fine! I've done this lots of times!" I kept telling myself. Mike had taken Trent and Drew to Grandma's house in MI Tuesday night for part of their Spring Break so we could have a few days to just relax before Emilie was to arrive. (We were pretty set to induce the next weekend...like maybe the 15th)

When I got to the doctors office and told them I was a little concerned because Miss Emilie wasn't moving as much as normal, they were just as shocked as I was when they waved the u/s wand over my belly. Our hopes and dreams for this baby were shattered...AGAIN! I looked at the screen and knew right away my worst fear was now a reality...there was no sound and no heart PUMPING, no movement, NOTHING. I said, "It's not beating!?!" The doctor whispered with a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry." The rest is a bit of a blur. I raised my hands up to my head and just cried, "No, no, no!" The doctor grabbed the wand again and took another look...his words will haunt me..."there is no edema, it's probably only been a couple of hours." That stung more deeply..."No, don't tell me that!" I said through my sobs. "I can't believe this is happening...WHAT HAPPENED?"

The midwife came in and hugged me for a little while. Then she moved me into another room...in the back of the office, brought me a box of tissue and a glass of water and left so I could call Mike. The only words I could hold it together to say, "Mike, you need to come!" I sat there in the dark room in unbelief, shocked, hardly able to catch my breath, scorching hot tears running down my cheeks.

Mike arrived and the doctor came in to make plans for the next step. We agreed that we'd go home get some things packed and head back up to the hospital. I wanted to see her as soon as possible, while she still looked as ~~alive~~ normal as possible.

She was born breech (so her head was perfectly round) after only about 4 pushes. No problems with the cord or placenta...she looked perfect - inside and out. Lots of dark hair, a cute little nose like Trent, long skinny legs, and a pinky toe that curls under just like mine. She was beautiful! I looked at her eyes later too...and was surprised not to see black, but the brightest blue. Reminded me of the clearest bluest ocean. So pretty! No explanations, no obvious problems, no answers. They'll do some blood work and test the placenta, but I don't think we'll ever really now what or why...and that's so hard to swallow!

I'll close for now...many more emotions and details are running through my head - some I may share farther down the road.

Know that we have not lost faith...we continue to cling to the HOPE that we have in the TRUTH that we believe! We have not LOST her... we do know she is in the arms of Jesus. The reality is that our hearts are broken, no, more like shattered...I really want her in MY arms...we're sitting in a heap of ashes and it's not pretty... it's really hard to see any beauty from here. BUT we do believe in THE God that sustains, draws near, is acquainted with grief - a man of sorrows- and who is moved by our tears!

You have no idea how sorry we are to take you on yet another grief journey. We are not naive to think we travel alone. Your friendship, love, and prayer have meant SO much more than we could ever express! You have been a true example, especially to our boys, of Galatians 6:2. "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."

Thank you for loving Him enough to sit in Our ashes!!
Kristin

Behind the Name

2011-04-12T16:20:00.001-04:00

Those of you who where curious…who asked…know that Mike and I had a hard time finding a name we both really liked. Even at the hospital I found myself looking at him and saying, “I think we’re going to go with…” When Emilie was born Mike said whatever you want…you decide. He favored her middle name more for the first name, but I couldn’t come up with a middle name I really liked. So for lack of time and any other options, really, Emilie Alyse stuck. I want to share with you about her name. I’ve always enjoyed researching the meanings and I wanted her name to “mean” something too. Although I wasn’t thrilled with the meaning of Emilie (industrious) it was the one name Mike and I agreed on. Alyse (noble) was a little better and when I put together and heard it flow, I just liked it. We talked with the boys about what her nickname could be and they both approved calling her Emi for short.

And of course I went back and forth (usually while lying in bed, wishing my mind would stop going, and I would just fall asleep) about how to spell her name. I wanted it to be unique – I liked Emilie with and –ie, because when I look at it, it reminds me of “Smile” and I thought that would always be a good reminder for me. I chose Alyse (common spelling = Elise) with an “A” more because I didn’t want her initials to spell “Eek!” I know, right, I spent way too much time obsessing about the possibilities!

I really wanted to tie a spiritual meaning into her name since we didn’t choose a “biblical” name. I began thinking about what my prayer for our daughter would be. I thought industrious/noble…and thought humble servant, servant of Christ…that’s what I want my daughter to be! When I was clearing out the office room to make room for all the baby stuff, I picked up this big oversized pillow/bean bag my very first class of 4th graders made for me. Each student put there handprint on it and on the back one of the moms wrote out Ecc. 9:10 – which was the verse from the bulletin board I made for the beginning of the year. It says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” Solomon reminds us here that we must grasp life’s opportunities and use them to the fullest in serving God. It was an “Ah, ha” moment – Yes, that’s it, that’s her name.

And I prayed…

“Lord,

Whatever Emilie’s hand finds to do, help her to do it with all her might – for YOU!”

“EMILIE ALYSE KONING”
Born still
April 7, 2011
4:40pm
4lbs 6oz, 19 1/2in

Quick Baby Update...

2011-04-05T16:07:00.001-04:00

It's been a while...I guess I'm going with "No news is Good News!" Last week at my check up I was anxious/nervous to see if "Baby K" had turned. She was transverse...enjoying laying sideways across my belly. The midwife was excited to tell me she TURNED...head down!! Needless to say, this momma was very happy! I'm "measuring fine" and baby was happy with a heart rate of 148. I could never tire of listening to baby's heartbeat...especially since Joanna's was so hard to find, masked under mine, and then just so slow.

I get a small lecture from the midwife each visit about how well this pregnancy is going and that I really can/need to believe that everything is going to be fine. Most days, I'm totally on board and very excited...it's just that I know too much (of the what can happen's) for me to totally breathe a sigh of relief that everything will be fine. So, in the meantime, I'm trusting daily that God's plan and timing is perfect...can't wait to meet this little girl!!

I go to see the doctor on Thursday and should be getting a final ultrasound! Looking forward to one last peek on the black and white screen...will never tire of this pretty profile either...

I'm also looking forward to a couple days of independence...perhaps a pedicure... Grandma is taking Trent and Drew for a few days of their Spring Break. Mike and I will add a fresh coat of paint to the office/baby room...mostly because of Drew's lovely black scribbles that grace the off-white walls. I look forward to my last days of SLEEPING IN...and a much overdue DATE NIGHT with Mike!!

Life is about to get really hectic here in a couple weeks :) Can't wait...

Family Pizza Night

2011-04-03T21:45:00.008-04:00

We drove downtown for the FAME festival a couple weekends ago. Trent's school participated by singing a few songs. It was fun to watch him sing and look at lots of artwork!!

We thought we'd just make a night of it and try a new pizza place, Pint 'n Slice. Mike had heard many friends rave about it. It was a quaint little space...we got to sit UP in the window. Just as soon as we sat down and ordered a continuous flood of customers streamed in. I snuck outside to snap a few pics. It was good eats and good laughs...a night to remember for sure!! I love my boys!!

A Gift, A Thank You

2011-04-03T21:00:00.046-04:00

At the end of February, on a Wednesday evening...after coming home from church, Mike and I noticed a gift bag on the side of our driveway by the flowerbed. Mike parked the van and I ran back outside to see what was there. I picked up the bag and it was surprisingly heavy! As I looked inside I saw 3 copies of A Gift of Time. (I wrote a post about it here.) I mentioned earlier this was the book for which I submitted Noah's Story. I also mentioned that I wanted to donate a few copies to my perinatologists office. Not only did I think it would be insightful for the staff, but more importantly they have a lending library for moms/families to utilize.

I searched in the bag for a card or note or something...NOTHING. An anonymous gift?! I was SOOO excited to be able to deliver these to the doctors office in memory of Noah and Joanna. So, whoever you are...THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME, and many other families who will read Noah's story as well as those of many other families who have walked this difficult road of loss!

"That's when I knew..."

2011-03-01T17:36:00.001-05:00

A "Light Bulb" moment for my 6 year old...

Mike and I were having a conversation with Drew as we were driving in the car. The boys like when Mike does trivia with them...name that song, riddles, math problems, whatever! Drew has memorized many a math problem...mostly doubling numbers...i.e. 10+10=20, 20+20=40, 40+40=80 and so on = like up to 3,200 - he's so funny!!

Drew started sharing about an incident that happened on the bus that week. He said a ~~cocky little~~ 1st grader asked him, the ~~puny little kindergartner,~~ what 80+80 was. Of course, Drew KNEW it was 160!

The first grader, however, was NOT convinced.

But Drew became even more confident with his answer when the 5th grader sitting nearby piped up and said HE was RIGHT!

And that was it...

"The moment he knew," he told us...

As I looked back at Drew telling his story, he was smiling from ear to ear and nodding his head up and down, only as a satisfied kindergartner could do...

He said with all confidence and sincerity..."and that's when I knew...I was smarter than a FIRST grader!"

Yes folks, in case you didn't know...

...LET IT NOW BE KNOWN...

...we have a Kindergartner that is SMARTER than a 1st grader.

And Mike and I couldn't contain the laughter at our sons enlightening moment!!

Ain't parenting grand!!

Gotta LOVE this kid - nergartner!!

Nesting?

2011-02-15T11:29:00.001-05:00

...Nesting?...Um, yeah...IT HAS BEGUN!

I haven't made any blankets this time...instead, I'm stuck on...

HATS!

I tried a pattern I found here. I liked the little bobbles! CUTE! UNIQUE! Can't wait to try this one out on my little GIRL!

I also tried crocheting a cocoon...I just used some yarn I had on hand, but I'm planing to make another one...variegated brown, along with a hat with little bear ears and pink ribbons...can't wait!! I spent an afternoon ~~drooling~~ totally inspired by the creativity of the hats/cocoons I found on etsy...WOW!

Soon, of course, I'll be breaking out the sewing machine to make these peanut shaped burp cloths! I've stocked up on some fun, pretty, girly, flannel. I made these for Jen's little girl Evie...thus the "e."

I'll have to save a few back to make later, so I can do a "letter" too. No news on the name front...I have one I like/keep coming back to, but nothing set in stone yet, having a hard time with a middle name. We'll most likely keep her name a surprise anyway :) So, you'll have to wait, oh...11 more weeks or so!!

What do you do when...

2011-02-11T17:11:00.000-05:00

you have 3 days off from school?

During a BLIZZARD?

Play outside, of course!

A Milestone

2011-02-01T15:57:00.001-05:00

This last week I made it to 27 weeks. Lots of emotions as I thought about/compared my pregnancy now with Joanna's - the last week I carried her. So many memories...

I'm thoroughly enjoying feeling Baby K move and kick, not so much the heartburn, but I'll take it. Can't wait to see what SHE will look like. Trent and Drew have indulged me by walking throughout the baby sections of whatever store we happen to be in. I got a 10 dollar reward from JCPenny and I thought it would be fun to see if we could find a good deal...preferably free. I haven't allowed myself to buy anything for her yet! When I commented to Drew that there were just too many outfits to choose from...he gladly took over and picked out a cute outfit set for his sister and it only cost $2!!

I also received my copy of the book A Gift of Time. Not quite a year after Noah was born I saw on the Perinatal Hospice website that two ladies were asking for submissions to help write this book. I sent in Noah's story, answering various questions they supplied on a questionnaire. So, Tuesday I sat on the couch - 3 years later - and just cried as I read several of my very own quotes...bringing me back to those very moments...emotions so raw. So thankful that Noah's legacy will continue to touch the lives of families that are going through similar situations even now. I trust this will be a great resource for families to read when given their own devastating diagnosis. I'll be saving up to get a few copies to give to my doctors office!! You can read a few excerpts on amazon.com, just click on the book cover.

After the boy's b-ball games, Mike helped me clear out our catch all/office/craft/computer room. We set up the crib our friend gave us (thanks Ian for moving to your big boy bed!). One of about the only things that didn't sell at our garage sale was the baby bedding. So, I just got that out too. The other half of the room will continue to house my office and the boy's desk/computer. I organized the closet floor to ceiling with all my craft stuff. So, needless to say, I'm glad to get this part done while I'm still feeling good. Want a peek of the work in progress?

A little B-ball action...

2011-01-31T17:03:00.001-05:00

Trent and Drew have started playing basketball at the Y. Mike is having fun coaching both teams, so it makes for a busy day. Mike, shall we say... repeats himself A LOT...so that's "fun" (ahh the joys of teaching...I just smile as I remember back to my own teaching days.) It's definately a job to keep 10 kids on track while teaching basic skills and coaching the game, but we are both glad he has the opportunity to get involved. I'm excited to see how much they'll improve over the 10 weeks or so! Here are just a few pics I was able to snap of the boys last week. ENJOY!!
**Be sure to check out what's been happening since I last posted in October. I will date my posts about the time they occurred, so make sure you scroll down to see what we've been up too!!**

Feelin' Crafty

2011-01-31T16:08:00.000-05:00

I've been working on a few projects. It started before Christmas with some presents - this bag - I made for my SIL and my SIL to be. I even picked up some fabric to make a cute - small diaper bag of sorts for the little girl that will be joining us in April. I found this "Moma Bag" from the book...Handmade Home. I, of course, had to add some pockets on the inside! See, what do you think...

I also seached the internet for a tutorial on how to make a camera strap cover. I used fabric I had from previous projects...it was really fun to do something quick. Click on the pictures for a link to the tutorials I used.

The Wedding!

2010-12-11T12:00:00.009-05:00

My brother Perry and new SIL Julie were married December 10. Drew and I traveled to Ohio early to help with some last minute details...i.e. about 250 cupcakes and the rehearsal dinner :) It was a lot of fun!! We got to see family from out of town and hang out with my grandparents for a few days.

It was a beautiful ceremony and just an all around FUN weekend!!

Wish I had more pictures to share! But here are a few...

Yes, we took pics outside in the COLD...can't wait to see the professional ones!

WE'RE HAVING...

2010-11-25T21:15:00.001-05:00

Mike and I went into the doctor just before Thanksgiving. We not only got to see the baby and be reassured that she is growing healthy, we found out that we are having a GIRL!!!! I'm excited to have a daughter, but a little nervous. As Mike and I were talking I ask him, "So what are you thinking? Are you excited?" He says something to the effect of, "So, when you're gone, I'm gonna have to do her hair??!!??" I laughed, "That's what your thinking about?" I love this little profile...

In SHOCK and AWE...

2010-10-30T17:40:00.012-04:00

For the last 15 weeks our family has been praying for someone special. The emotions of it all lead to our choice not to share the news publicly...yet. The waiting can be excruciating, and as a mom especially, I felt like I needed to be the protector and guardian until we had more information.

After we lost Noah, we were so excited to be expecting again, and it was devastating to find out, and then have to share, that we would be loosing Joanna too. We just felt so confident that we wouldn’t have to face another loss. Needless to say, we learned that no one gets a free pass when it comes to the struggles and pain of this life.

So this past August when we found out that God had blessed us with another pregnancy, we felt both excited and apprehensive. “Are we really that crazy – to try AGAIN?” I came to a very hard crossroads this last spring and decided I needed to make a choice…to release what control I still thought I had on what I thought my family would be…my dreams, my expectations. It was hard not knowing what the future would hold for the Konings. Could I really spend anymore time wishing for what was lost? Wishing for more. Could I just be truly grateful for the two amazing boys God has given me? Do I continue to stay home? Do I pursue a full time job? How do I best serve my family? How do I go on, what’s the next thing for me, if we are done having children? It all came to a head when ~~Mike~~ we decided it would be a great idea to have a garage sale and get rid of the baby stuff that sat collecting much dust in the attic. This seemed like an easy decision logically, but it was very emotional for me. Attached were the memories of Trent and Drew using them, yes, but then on top of that were the emotions of the dreams and memories I never got to have with Noah and Joanna, or would/could have with any more babies. Was this REALLY my life? Reality sets in, and friends, it can be brutal sometimes. But I survived, and it really was a process - of relinquishment - that I needed to go through.

Back to August…well, September when I finally got an appointment with the doctor (at 11 weeks, but they thought more like 10). Without me even having to ask, the doctor said he’d get me back to ultrasound and we’d see how things were progressing. We heard a very strong heartbeat that morning, 176. We had crossed the “Joanna hurdle”, but knew it’d be too early to tell about Meckel-Gruber (I was 15 weeks when we found out there were problems with Noah). So, overall it was a good day, but we were by no means out of the woods. I had some emotional days in the next few weeks, thinking of all the “little” things that could go wrong, not allowing myself to get too attached or too excited…just waiting and bracing myself for the bad news to come.

Four more weeks I waited to see the perinatologist, four weeks we waited to see if we could leap the “Noah hurdle” too. Could we even think of having a healthy baby? I questioned in all sincerity, I’m not being overly dramatic here…if you’ve ever lost a baby…then you get it!

You know, after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I thought I’d be more excited…I think I’ve just met so many moms who have lost babies in various ways and stages that I’m not too naive to think we’ll ever be out of the woods. Like I said earlier…no one gets a free pass. Maybe I’m sharing too much, I sound like such a pessimist, but this is what I’m feeling…no sugar coating! It’s like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the doctors to say “oh wait, we found something.” It will just take time to process, I think. And no matter what, I DO genuinely believe God is Good.

So yesterday, the u/s tech confirmed, with measurements, a due date of April 28. She got a strong heartbeat again. Though she didn’t give me the #, we commented that it wasn’t 75 (like Joanna) and she gave us a nod. They will check the heart again more thoroughly in four weeks. Baby was just too small to be able to see clearly. I asked specifically if there were any signs of M.-G. - a fluid sac- (like Noah) and she shared that everything was measuring good, no obvious signs of anything wrong, and that they'd look at the spinal cord and kidneys closely next time. The doctor said there was no need to come in “with my heart in my mouth,” (a new phrase to me, but I think I got the gist of what he was trying to say) but that he wanted to check everything again in four weeks before he “was willing to sign off on me” and allow me to go back to my regular OB doctor.

ALL THIS TO SAY, we think we may be carrying a HEALTHY, 3 oz, 14 ½ week old BABY KONING.

And the BIG brothers couldn’t be more excited,

the Grandparents couldn’t be more excited,

Mom and Dad are still in shock and awe…

letting the possibility sink in…

but yes, we are excited too!

We are thankful for the gracious blessing God has granted me to carry for a time…and we longingly await meeting and holding this precious gift from above!!

No Matter What

2010-10-24T19:31:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while. I'd like to get back into the swing of blogging. So many things to share and so little time.

But STAY TUNED!

This song has come to mind so many times this last week. I just wanted to share. No matter the circumstances, the pain, I cling to HIS promises...HIS character. I've been challenged to move beyond just knowing to TRUSTING.

I've been studying the 23 Psalm. Learning about sheep and THE Shepherd. I'm realizing what I have in my Shepherd is far more than what I Don't have in this life.

Have a good week...

A Purpose...

2010-07-28T10:25:00.001-04:00

I came across this illustration while I was reading Death of a Little Child by J. Vernon McGee. I wanted to share this today as I think about my little girl.

"There is a story of sweetness and beauty which enlightens the heart of every parent who has lost a child. It concerns a custom among the shepherd folk of the Alps. In the summer time when the grass in the lower valleys withers and dries up, the shepherds seek to lead their sheep up a winding, thorny, and stony pathway to the high grazing lands. The sheep, reluctant to take the difficult pathway infested with dangers and hardships, turn back and will not follow. The shepherds make repeated attempts, but the timid sheep will not follow. Finally a shepherd reaches into the flock and takes a little lamb and places it under his arm, then reaches in again and takes another lamb, placing it under the other arm. Then he starts up the precipitous pathway. Soon the mother sheep start to follow and afterward the entire flock. At last they ascend the tortuous trail to green pastures.

The Great Shepherd of the sheep, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, has reached into the flock and he has picked up your lamb. He did not do it to rob you, but to lead you out and upward. He has richer and greener pastures for you, and He wants you to follow.

Will you follow Him?"

There is a new lamb cradled on Thy breast tonight,
A sweet small lamb, so lately mine
I scarce can keep my arms from reaching out
As though to snatch her back from Thine.

These arms of mine are wonted so to her, dear Lord,
They curved about her little form
So sweetly, and from dawn of time my breast was meant
To be her pillow, soft and warm.

What does one do with aching arms and empty hours,
With silent rooms, and dragging days?
The things I knew before will not avail me now-
Teach me new lessons and new ways.

Take Thou, I pray, these idle folded hands of mine
Which can no longer busied be
With dear, familiar tasks for her...In mercy, Lord,
Fill hands and heart with tasks for Thee!
-Martha Snell Nicholson

STR-I-I-I-I-K-E!

2010-06-01T10:15:00.007-04:00

Trent has enjoyed pitching a couple innings for his team. I just love how the ump gets into it! It's going to be a fun season!!

Getting on his catchers gear. The black patches for under his eyes have come in handy...we bought these a couple years ago to wear for Halloween with his football costume. :)
Mike coaching Trent at 1st base.

School's OUT for SUMMER & Teacher Gift Tutorial!

2010-05-27T21:50:00.000-04:00

Here is a comparison from the first day and the last...think he grew? Well, he for sure grew 4 new teeth :)

Like the pink bag Trent's got? Keep reading to see what's inside...

I made Trent's teacher a special end of the year "Thank You" gift the eve of the last day of school.

I found the idea here. It went together very quickly...cause you all know I'm a major procrastinator! I think it turned out great though! Trent said she REALLY liked it...I would have liked something like this...a lot more that the little chachkies I got from the dollar store when I taught 4th grade! Just sayin!

I found the 8X8 inch shadow box at walmart for about $8. I printed off his teacher's name on a piece of card stock then trimmed it down to size. I also printed off a separate piece of paper with an "L" to help me trim the crayons to the right size and shape.

I hot glued them in place. I put the hot glue right on the paper of the crayon and it worked well. I wasn't sure if it would melt the wax, but I didn't have a problem at all.

I think I'll be making lots more of these in the coming years!

(I googled these crayon shadowboxes and I found an Etsy shop where you can buy them for 40 dollars, yikes! Mine cost less than $10 and was super easy and quick to make!)

We also wrote her a note and sealed it to the back with contact paper.

So, what do you think? It would be cute in a craft or kids room, too!

A Big Scare!

2010-05-27T16:48:00.001-04:00

Monday I was out in the front yard trimming back some of our bushes. I was trimming the bush right by our front door. I started at the top and just wanted to round it out a bit. All of a sudden I heard the leaves rustling BUT I wasn't touching the bush and Drew was getting something out of the garage. I saw a big brown thing fly out from under the bush...I screamed and watched a DUCK scurry off to the back of the house where the pond is.

I thought that was strange, but I got down on my knees to investigate under the bush and look what I found...

8 EGGS!! And, YES, momma duck did come back. I saw her the next day.

When I was telling Trent and Mike what had happened, Trent told me the same thing happened when he went to retrieve a baseball that he and Mike were playing catch with. The funny thing was that Mike had just teased him about not letting a snake "get him" when he reached down and under to get the ball back. So, needless to say, Trent got quite a scare, as did the poor duck I guess! But they apparently forgot to ~~warn~~ tell me.

You want to be a WHAT when you grow up!!

2010-05-27T08:38:00.001-04:00

We took the boys to a nearby playground and I saw...

flying...

jumping...

   swinging...

    twisting...

       kicking...

         punching...

            oh, and I heard a lot of grunting!

So, I told Drew he should calm it down a little! After all, I didn't want ~~to look like a mom who couldn't control her busy little boy~~ him to get hurt! I looked down at his sweaty red face and he, looking back up at me, said very seriously, "But mom, I'm going to be a NINJA when I grow up! I need to work on my moves!"

Wrapped in His Love: Soul Spa

2010-05-26T22:11:00.001-04:00

I had the privilege of helping plan a women's event at the church we attend. The ladies on the committee had loads of fun preparing and the whole day was such a blessing!! Our theme for the day came from Psalm 62:1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him." Three ladies shared circumstances in their life when they sensed the loving arms of their Heavenly Father wrap around them, comfort them, and give them peace beyond comprehension. They shared how their faith was strengthened. I (and I can probably speak for all the ladies in attendance) left encouraged, strengthened, refreshed, inspired to keep on keeping on, and so thankful that amidst life's chaotic busy-ness and trials we can find peace and rest in a God who walks beside us.

Oh Brother!

2010-05-26T21:00:00.000-04:00

"I am smiling because you are my brother. I am laughing because there is nothing you can do about it!"

"First a brother. Then a bother. Now a friend."

- Unknown

And so SUMMER begins...

2010-05-26T13:36:00.001-04:00

Let's PLAY BALL!!

Spring Break

2010-05-26T12:03:00.001-04:00

Many of you know that we shipped the kids up to grandma's over spring break. Mike and I (without interruption - moms you know what I mean) painted the living room, hall, and kitchen. We've lived here for six years and so I was ready for a splash of color on the formerly plain walls. I had the pleasure of climbing up on the plank to reach the walls up to the vaulted ceiling. We did tan/chocolate in the living and hall and a blue in the kitchen...here is a quick peek.

Noah's Hope Reminder

2010-03-23T22:53:00.000-04:00

To all my FW friends...we'll be making photo books this THURSDAY at 7:00pm.

If you can make it...well, I'll see you there :)

Lisa Leonard Giveaway!

2010-03-18T21:34:00.000-04:00

Hey all you moms...go to her blog for a chance to win her new necklace...Marked By Love. It was designed in memory of Angie Smith's daughter, Audrey Caroline.

(This picture courtesy of Lisa Leonard's website.)

A Prayer Today...

2010-03-18T13:00:00.001-04:00

The sun is shining today and I'm loving it! Although I must admit I went back to bed after I got Trent on the bus! I'm tired...emotionally. I've had some heavy things weighing me down the last few weeks and I want to share what encouraged me this morning...a prayer.

I've been going through a ladies bible study at church that has been very challenging, but VERY GOOD! I Really Want to Change...so, Help Me God. It is written by James MacDonald. This morning I was looking at his website and found a prayer he posted on his blog on March 15th, 2010.

"This prayer stands the test of time for me. I trust it will meet you where you are in your walk with Christ on this Monday. . . [This] prayer I pray in some way almost every single day. When I don’t, I wish I had. Pray with me today . . .

Ephesians 5:18, “Be filled with the Spirit.”

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. I can’t fix yesterday, and tomorrow seems a long way off.

Today, Lord: Cleanse my heart from the fleshly residue of yesterday’s fallen humanity.

Today, Lord: Scrub my thoughts and motives till they shine with singularity – wanting Your glory alone.

Today, Lord: Wash me and I will be whiter than snow, purposed afresh to follow Your footsteps.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. The tasks ahead are too much. If I must go alone, I cannot go at all.

Today, Lord: I’m not smart enough to know what is best, and not strong enough to choose what is righteous.

Today, Lord: My wife, my family, my friends, my church . . . I am not sufficient for these things, and I know it.

Today, Lord: Or what unfolds in the hours ahead will fade into the abyss of worthless, wasted time.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit right now. Come, make these 24 hours all You created them to be.

Now, Lord: You know how to ‘give good gifts’ and I am so thankful to be called Your child.

Now, Lord: By faith, I receive the Presence You’ve promised, and delight to know that Your Word is true.

Now, Lord: You are filling my life with peace and purpose and freeing my soul to sing.

Galatians 5:16, 22, Walk then in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the desires of your flesh. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self control.”

Friends, I hope you are encouraged, your day is filled with sunshine, and your soul is free to sing!

Up to MISCHIEF!!

2010-02-26T07:00:00.013-05:00

I don't think I even need to tell you who that would be ~~(Drew!)~~. Last week I discovered some new artwork. Drew likes to wear shorts, yes, even in the dead of winter! So, it was hard to hide what he had done. When I asked him why he decided to draw on himself, he said, "I wanted to look more tough." Well OKAY then! I guess he was thinking tatoos. I didn't break it to him that a tic-tac-toe board probably wasn't doing anything for the "tough guy" persona.

OH BOY! OH BOY!

THEN...

Yesterday morning, as I was helping Drew clean up his toys, I spotted a ball of something white under his bed. After further inspection I concluded said wad was actually a WHoLE RoLL of toilet paper. FOR REAL?!? Yep! I asked him why he did it..."I just wanted to see it, mom" he told me. So I spent the next 10 minutes carefully rolling it back up...minus the cardboard roll...guess who will be delicately unrolling it YeT AGaIN so it doesn't go to waste...um yeah, no pun intended.

THIS BOY, I tell ya!! . . . AND I WONDER HOW I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE ANY GREY HAIR YET?!?

While Trent's away...

2010-02-25T23:00:00.001-05:00

Drew must play! He loves this game.

I love this kid!

He's got quite the strategy going already!

Mad Ants Clinic

2010-02-25T20:30:00.008-05:00

As partners of the Y-Ball league, the Mad Ants (NBA D-League) offered a free clinic for the kids. Our boys had loads of fun! The kids were separated by age and then they rotated to different stations lead by one of the Mad Ants players.

Rod Wilmont lead the shooting station.

The coach helped with the ball handling.

Practicing lay-ups. Trent scored...just in case you were wondering :)

I got a kick out of the pants tucked into the socks showing off these Chuckies!

A spur-of-the-moment shot...to bad the camera woman didn't quite capture the moment. Drew's lookin' away and Trent's looking out from behind the lovely ant's antena. Oh well!

was

day

remember!

It will be fun to go to the game this weekend and see the players we met.

New do...dew...du...

2010-02-25T11:59:00.001-05:00

I decided to finally get my hair cut...I knew it had been since before Joanna was born. So at least 8 months ago. I don't think my hair had been that long since I was in college! I'll be glad to get rid of the headaches when I put it up in a ponytail, though. I don't think it will even go into a ponytail now. Here is a quick before and after. It's definately different, but a change is good every now and then.

SNOW DAY!

2010-02-10T20:50:00.001-05:00

No school for 2 days in a row...the boys took advantage and spent some time out in the snow.

Trent built this high wall.

Drew's hadiwork!

A lil' bit o' Christmas

2010-02-10T20:45:00.003-05:00

(The new football jerseys!)

Didn't want to pass up on a couple cute pics of my boys from Christmas. I know it's long overdue! I've gotten really behind at posting, life just gets too busy somedays. We had Christmas with my mom and brothers at our house and then headed to Michigan for Christmas day. My dad also came over to spend a short day with us. We were actually home for New Years - first time in 5 years! We even had an extra little guy with us. We watched our friends son so they could help chaperone our churches jr. high retreat. Our boys just loved having him follow them around!

(with Grandma!)

(The grandkids + a few significant others = 29)

(Ringin' in the new year...2010...in case you didn't get the hand gestures.)

(Drew playing cars with our guest...they played cars alot!)

(Trent gave great sled rides!)

THE 'VILLE

2010-02-10T12:54:00.002-05:00

Last weekend we braved the elements and traveled to Ohio. We spent some time with my mom, brothers and dad. It was alumni weekend and so we got to have a special dinner, go to the basketball game, and we even got a free "gold rush" t-shirt. GO JACKETS! The boys had fun at the game and we've already discussed the new moves they want to try out at their next game. Drew asked Mike, "Dad, can I do a fake on little kids?" He's shown us several times exactly how it should play out as he goes up to fake a basket.

We even had some time to put a puzzle together...Trent's a pretty good helper!!

Friday night we went up to the Field House. The boys shot some hoops while my mom and I walked the track. The boys REALLY needed to get out some energy, and we had a great time doing it...and I didn't feel so guilty eating a bazooki (cookie & ice cream dessert) when we got home.

Here we are with the new and improved Yellow Jacket.

There were tatoos (of the old mascot though) on every table and Drew put this one on all by himself! He ventured to the bathroom and came back with a "bee" on his forehead.

FUN TIMES HAD BY ALL!

Here's a pic I found from just one year ago. Boy, they've both grown up a bit, huh!

B-BALLin'

2010-02-09T22:00:00.004-05:00

Trent & Drew have been playing b-ball at the Y. It has been loads of fun to watch them learn and play and SCORE! Here are a few pics from the last few weeks.

Tooth Fairy...

2010-02-09T21:15:00.002-05:00

Trent lost both of his front teeth within a week. His first tooth came out at school with a little help from the school nurse. She put it in a little treasure box for safe keeping. After getting off the bus, Trent realized he must have left/lost his tooth at school. In passing, trying to reassure Trent all would be fine, I said he could just write a note to the Tooth Fairy.

Fast forward to bedtime...I was tucking Trent in and he pulled something out from under his pillow. The note was SO SWEET! He did it all by himself! I read it, tried hard not to laugh, and ran out to the living room to show Mike. The sticker attached to the bottom of his note was the one he got from the nurse and proudly wore all day.

The next morning as I was packing his lunch, I found the treasure box in his lunch bag. He had not yet looked to see if the tooth fairy stopped during the night and so I snuck in and put the tooth under his pillow too. When I asked Trent if he had looked under his pillow, he was SO shocked to see what was there with his money. He said, "How did she find it? She must have searched and searched all over ____ Elementary! How did she know to bring it to my house?" He was so excited. Can't wait to laugh about that with him in a few years!

The other tooth came out after much convincing to let me JUST wiggle it. I promised that was all I was going to do. As I wiggled it forward, barely touching it-I might add, it just fell right out on my finger. What a relief, I was getting really tired of hearing how it "hurt" when he ate anything.

I just LOVE this TOOTHLESS grin!

New Face...

2010-02-01T22:44:00.000-05:00

So I've been wanting to give my blog a face lift. I found some online tutorials and templates for designing a personalized header. Can I just say, Photoshop Elements was the best B-day present! This was fun :o) I think, for my first attempt, I'm pleased with the results. I tried to change the background to a funky pattern, but I kept running into snags after I changed the HTML - so the light yellow will have to do! I think it will be fun to change it up every now and then. I started with my favorite flower - the Gerber Daisy. They always remind my of my two little ones. This pic was taken just the DAY BEFORE I went into labor with Noah.

So, let me know whacha think?

Would You Dare to Believe...

2010-01-28T10:59:00.005-05:00

I Still Have a REASON to Sing. It's been six months today. Can't believe how the REALITY of my life has changed from what I thought WOULD be. So I'm sittin'...thinkin'...cryin' today as I remember my little girl...BUT I can say I DO HAVE A REASON TO SING! So, I choose to continue...even when the tears come...

I've head this song a few times now and I really like it! I've said this before, but music has helped me so much as I process this thing called grief! I'm so thankful for the HOPE I have. When I went to youtube I found a link to the story behind this song...why it was written. If you have time, check out this 10 min. video. I love what the mom, Paula, says to her husband..."If we can trust God with our eternity, we've got to trust him with our NOW." What a good reminder. God knows right where I am NOW (not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally) and He's HERE carrying me through the hurt.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Thanks for letting me share...

And before you think this blog is only about sad stuff...I've recovered my pictures from the hard drive crash and I'll try to post more regularly :)

Here's a sneak peak of what's BIG in Trent's life these days.

Under Construction...

2010-01-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

So I'm gonna go for a new blog look in 2010...but I'm still working on it...just wanted to let you know you're at the right place in case your missing all the GREEN :)

Missing you..

2009-12-14T13:02:00.001-05:00

...today especially!

Boy, 3 years? Can it really be! I think it's hitting hard this year because...

I can almost see him here...

following Trent and Drew aroud,
getting into stuff and making messes like his big brothers,
talking, asking lots of questions,
smiling,
carrying around his favorite blanket and stuffed animal,
laughing,
playing with Thomas the Train,
dancing around,
messing up the pieces on the board as his older brothers play Candy Land,

tearing into all his Christmas presents and jumping up and down with delight.

It's the little things that I'm grieving today, not experiencing WITH him.

...today especially...

I Cackled at this Gaggle!!!

2009-12-07T12:43:00.001-05:00

I was surprised this morning when I looked out the window!

S-N-O-W!

The pond has frozen over - though I'm sure not very thick since it was not frozen yesterday. But this morning the geese were STROLLING over to the bank.

Thanksgiving...

2009-11-30T12:30:00.001-05:00

We traveled to "~~Misery" as named by the GPS~~ Missouri to spend Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. My grandparents live there and it was great to see some other extended family. What a godly heritage! I'm so thankful for them. I found them both asleep in their recliners in front of the tv one evening with their hands like this...

My mom and 2 of my brothers

Busy cookin'

The boys enjoyed playing with my cousin and 2nd cousin. They went fishing, hiking, and of course did some Wii-ing!!

I enjoyed taking some pictures of my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather was beautiful, sunny, and warm!

...B-L-I-T-Z!!...

On the way home we stopped to see the St. Louis Arch. We wanted to go up, but the lines were just way to long!!

On the road again...

Wild for Turkeys!

2009-11-25T12:20:00.001-05:00

Trent and Drew went to my friend's house and all the kids got to work! They made some pretty Thankful Turkeys! {Thanks for being so creative with my kids, J!! Her post is here.}

Are you Ready for some...

2009-11-23T22:51:00.013-05:00

...BASKETBALL??

The boys have been asking to see Mike play b-ball, so we headed out Monday night to watch. Trent really got a kick out of changing the numbers on the scoreboard. The boys were excited to see some friends and they were the best cheer squad I've ever heard. They got so into it.

"Oh...oh...oh...NO!" Excitement...Dissappointment...can't you just see it on their faces :o)

Music Concert

2009-11-19T21:57:00.028-05:00

Trent's grade had a music concert. It was cute, and he was so excited for us to hear him sing. He wouldn't sing anything for us before the concert, but I could hear him singing it in his room or just when he thought we weren't listening. His teacher told us she was so proud of him. She said she could hear him and that he really "sang his heart out!"

Trent's class performed on the pouy-sticks. After the concert we broused some of his artwork. He painted a city and made a pinched clay bowl. Man, he's growing up.

Noah's Hope

2009-11-17T21:00:00.025-05:00

This was the first time I organized and prepared for ladies from Wallen to make the memory books. My friend Carol moved down to Florida and she was such a big help organizing and making a tutorial for us to follow. {It worked GREAT! Thanks so much, Carol.} It was a great success. We kept everyone busy and I think the ladies enjoyed working together to make such a cherished gift for grieving moms. Thank you ladies for helping me!! Your time and willingness to help is a special gift to me too.

HALLOWEEN

2009-10-31T22:00:00.001-04:00

Well, our costume choices were EASY this year. The boys wanted to be the same thing as last year.
So, again, Drew was spiderman...although this year he actually wore the face mask! Progress! Trent dressed up as his father's favoirte team and his mother actually let is happen...again...what? GO BUCKEYES!!

Here's the familiar duo... from October 2008.

LEAVES

2009-10-26T19:00:00.009-04:00

The boys and I went out to rake the few leaves that fell into our yard from our neighbors tree...

The boys really wanted to jump in them...unfortunately we had to settle for this...

When they got bored, they both headed in to change into their "basketball clothes." I laughed so hard when they came outside!!...Just take it all in...I guess they expected their feet to get cold...But I love the cape!

We Remember You...

2009-10-24T12:00:00.004-04:00

We Do Not Need A Special Day

By Connie Dyer

We do not need a special day

To bring you to our minds,

The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake
We know that you are gone,
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know

Our thoughts are always with you
Your place no one can fill,
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still

There will always be heartache

And often a silent tear,

But always a precious memory

Of the days when you were here.

If tears could build a staircase

And heartaches make a lane

We’d walk the path to Heaven

And bring you back home again.

We hold you close, within our hearts

And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again

Today was Joanna's actual due date.

We will never forget...

My heart hurts for the little girl that is not with us.

My arms ache to hold her while she sleeps.

My mind tells me I should be awake at night with my baby, sleep deprived.

I long to sing her lullabys, kiss her chubby cheeks, and tickle her little toes.

We sure miss you Joanna Claire!

We find comfort knowing you'll just have heaven before we do...

These candle's were lit in honor and memory of both my babies, Noah and Joanna, and many other babies whose families live in the area. We lit these earlier this month, participating in the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrace Day.

We Remember You

In the rising of the sun

And in it’s going down,

In the blowing of the wind

And in the chill of winter,

In the opening of buds

And in the rebirth of spring,

We will remember you.

In the blueness of the sky

And in the warmth of summer,

In the rustling of leaves

And in the beauty of autumn,

In the beginning of the year

And when it ends,

We will remember you.

When we are weary

And in need of strength,

When we are lost and sick at heart,

When we have joys we yearn to share,

We will remember you.

For long as we live, you too shall live,

For you are a part of us,

And we will always remember.

Alabama

2009-10-22T20:25:00.006-04:00

I'm gonna send you over to Jen's blog. She posted a slideshow of pictures from our visit with the Palmers and the night of the Sav-a-Life Banquet.

Here are a few of my pictures...

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

2009-10-18T00:44:00.004-04:00

Jen and I arrived in Alabama last night. The trip was uneventful for the most part. We were delayed a bit in Fort Wayne as there was a ground delay in Detroit. Then when we got to Detroit, we couldn't deplane because the ramp was broken. It took a while for us to get off too, because we had to wait for a representitive to escort us since we were on a "live" tarmack. Believe it or not it happened again when we got to Alabama...bizzare! Anyway, the fall foliage was spectacular!! We saw lots of patches of "forrest" full of reds, oranges, yellows, and greens...simply beautiful! I'll try to get some pictures on our way home. Jen was laughing at me because the at the beginning of our flight to Alabama the captian came on and was giving all the stats of our flight and I THOUGHT he said that "we will be experiencing some turbulence" and Jen started laughing at me because he REALLY said, "Our flight will be an hour and thirty two minutes." It was pretty funny...

Goodnight for now and I'll keep you posted.

Hittin' the Road...

2009-10-05T12:06:00.006-04:00

We (Jen and I) are very excited about a new opportunity to share about our life experiences and our children. We will be traveling to Alabama in just two weeks, and speaking on the 20th! While we relflect on the value and miracle of new life, we will be focusing on how our children, Noah, Owen, and Joanna are WONDERFULLY MADE too.

Please be in prayer for us...
* that God would be glorified by all that we say and do
* as we pen out and prepare to share what is on our hearts -we are
in the thick of this now!
* that our message would be heard loud and clear
* that we can deal effectively with the emotions that companion
"going back there" (and specifically for me as Joanna's due date
would have been Oct. 24 - these milestone anniversary dates can
be emotional)
* that all the details come together smoothly
* for our physical health
* safety as we travel
* as our husbands care for our kids while we are away
* that we have an encouraging time with friends, old and new

THANK YOU, FRIENDS!

Song of the Grieving

2009-09-28T10:23:00.013-04:00

My mom gave me a cd before Noah was born. I like this song...you can hear part of it here.

Song of the Grieving

Lord, you can see our hearts filled with sorrow,
The tears that are falling down,
Someone we love has gone on before us,
And we're left with the questions now,

And we know in the bigger scheme it would seem
We'll see you again 'fore we know it,
But the truth is it feels like this wound might not heal,
We need Your mercy, Lord show it,
Please, hear our Prayer...

Give us grace to weather this storm,
And strength to grieve our loss,
And trust that you have not abandoned us in our pain,
Give us faith to believe that there's more than this,
And hope for out final home,
We stand here before You broken but still believing,
The song of the grieving.

We smile at the fact that your journey is done,
And your spirit is where it has longed to be,
We picture you now as you laugh with the angels,
Thanking the Lord that you're finally free,

And we know in the bigger scheme it would seem
We'll see you again 'fore we know it,
But the truth is it feels like this wound might not heal,
We need Your mercy, Lord show it,
Please hear our cry...

The song of the grieving
We're broken and beaten
We need your healing

-Matt Rexford

Nestled in Peace...

2009-09-26T20:20:00.008-04:00

When I returned home from Iowa, Mike said the cemetery had called to let us know that Joanna's headstone had been placed. So, on Tuesday - the first day of fall - the boys and I took some flowers to the cemetery.

"May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way."

II Thess 3:16

ROAD TRIP

2009-09-25T20:59:00.019-04:00

My mom and brother, Perry, picked me up last Friday and we headed to Iowa. The 8-9 hour car ride really wasn't too bad with 3 drivers. My cousin, who is stationed in Guam, flew "home" to get married. The weather was beautiful for the outdoor wedding. The scenery was lush and green. We stayed with a family from my uncle and aunt's church. My boys would have LOVED to explore around their farm!! I was able to snap a few shots at sunrise on Sunday morning while our host took our flat tire to the milk house to plug the hole! We were blessed to have hosts that could do just about anything! If we'd have been anywhere else, it would have been a much bigger and longer task! I don't think the donut tire would have lasted very long on all the gravel roads either.

Appointment

2009-09-16T19:40:00.014-04:00

Today I went to the doctor to have my "6 week check up." Hard to believe it's been that long since I felt the warmth of her body as they tenderly placed her on my stomach. I will never forget that, nor the cold of her checks, just hours later, as I gently stroked them. No, I'll never forget.

Time doesn't heal, but it cauterizes.

Each day is another step on this journey of grief, toward healing, and learning what my normal is now.

Okay, back to my appointment, everything went fairly well. The midwife that delivered Joanna took time to talk with me and make sure I was doing okay emotionally, not just physically. She and my doctor said how surprised, no pretty much shocked, he was when the results of Joanna's testing came back perfectly normal; her chromosomes exactly the way they should be. The doctor said again how glad he was we have our two boys...that what happened with Noah and Joanna were isolated occurrences...that I don't have to worry that I'm "damaged goods" (not the words I'd choose to describe my circumstances, but oh well)...I guess he meant that I shouldn't blame myself, that my body is not letting me down, or that I'm not doomed in the pregnancy department.

As he was leaving, I thanked him again for his care. I shared that I was apprehensive about coming back to see him this time. He rambled off about understanding that it would bring back unpleasant memories. But, I wanted to be sure to say that I appreciated his attitude and respect of our choice to carry Joanna. I emphasized how his support really made a difference. He shared how he's learning from his patients, he's changing how he does some things, and that his nurse is "softening" him.

I left a CD of Joanna's Memorial Service and a DVD of pictures...like I posted a while back...I hope his curiosity will be peaked and that he'll take a chance on listening to them. I've been thinking about what I can give to my doctor and his staff, to keep at the office, that would serve as a visual reminder of Noah and Joanna and the extraordinary and unexpected time I was given to carry my children. I'm thinking about giving them the "Cherish" Willow Tree figurine...it looks like this...

Thanks for "listening", friends. I'm reflecting on these verses tonight...I weep, but not without hope...

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage...
when they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings."

Psalms 84:5-6

What's for Dinner???

2009-09-15T13:09:00.006-04:00

Since I've been working at the Y in the afternoons I've been trying to increase my repertoire of crock-pot recipes. It's not so fun to get off at 5 or 6:00 and rush home to get dinner started while trying to ~~ignore~~ calm two tired and hungry children...oh, whose kidding, myself included! I've made this before, and my little boys and I like it with rice, so it's a good excuse for me to crack out my no-stick rice cooker!! (Thanks mom!)

So...We're having...

Salsa Chicken

4 chicken breasts
1 package of Taco seasoning
1/2 c. salsa
2 T. corn starch
1/4 c. sour cream

Spray crock-pot with Pan. Place chicken, seasoning and salsa in crock-pot. (I stirred my salsa and seasoning together first, but you don't have to.) Cook 6-8 hours on high (though I've found it's done in 3 or 4). Before serving remove chicken and add the corn starch to sauce to thicken. After it's thickened add the sour cream. Pour back over chicken. Serve over rice, potatoes, or noodles. YUMMY and EASY!!

So in the name of broadening my horizons, would you please share your favorite crock-pot recipe with me??? Mike and the boys will thank you, no doubt!!

What time is it?

2009-09-15T13:00:00.007-04:00

~~Hammer Time...no, no, no!~~

~~J/K I know that's so lame.~~

SOCCER TIME!!

Trent had his first soccer game of the season this last Saturday. He was excited they won! He stayed with most of his team and coaches from last year, so that has been great! I couldn't believe how much each boy has grown, they all look so big out there on the field. Trent played great! Here are a few of my favorites.

Labor Day Weekend...

2009-09-14T08:26:00.009-04:00

...we headed up to Michigan to visit friends and family. We got to hang out with a friend of mine from high school in the Philippines. It was great fun, and I laughed...A LOT! Drew hit it off with M, my friends daughter. We laughed some more about how alike they are, those two! (We are really in for it when they get older, E! Glad we can share our mortifying stories together!)

(I snapped a few pics with my totally disfunctional camera!! It only works when it wants to...sigh...I know, it's blurry...but, you get the picture...)

Then we had another family BIRTHDAY PARTY. We celebrated Drew's b-day and he was so excited to rip open his gift and find Spiderman golf clubs!! Now he can get in on the golf action that Mike and Trent have enjoyed together. He also got a fishing pole and walkie-talkies :)

Ready...

...get set...

...S-W-I-N-G!...

On Monday, while the boys went golfing, I headed out to the beach with some of my nieces. It was fun to walk across the warm sand, indulge in reading a book while soaking in some rays, play a "lively" game of cards, and walk out on the pier. Thanks for including your "old" aunt girls! It was a blast!

Bored?...No way!!

2009-09-04T11:28:00.014-04:00

Thought you'd like to see what Drew and I have been up to while Trent is playing with rubber bands and glue sticks, talking with his deskmate while he's supposed to be listening, scribbling outside the lines, keeping a very clean desk (no doubt), and thinking about playing football at recess hard at work in school..."For 8 hours!"...Drew likes to make sure everyone knows just how long his buddy, playmate, Lego-building, car racing brother is away at school. Really, though, it has been a lot of fun for me to hang out and have some 1-on-1 time with my Drewboy. Can't believe he'll be 5 in just two weeks. YIKES!! He just loves life and lives it to the fullest. He makes me laugh and is a ray of sunshine on my cloudy days.

Building with Legos...note the driving clone trooper :)Hanging out at the zoo...I guess he heard enough of the drums. Daydreaming in the tree house...well, at least for about 15 seconds... Sittin' on the komodo dragon.Treats from Tokens-n-Tickets...Driving his "motorcycle"... And just before you get to thinkin' that our time is all fun and games...here is what happened today...during a few minutes of ~~unsupervision~~ quiet...I went to check on him outside and found the van doors locked and Drew holding my keys!! YEP, UH OH!! He was unlocking and locking the secret compartment under the passengers seat :)

He had already unlocked the doors when he jumped over to the driver's seat so I jumped in and took my keys away. This is the same boy I found on top of the fridge one morning a couple of years ago...

He was trying to get the refillable popcorn bucket for the zoo...he was evidently hungry...
...and the boy who fell in the pond while feeding the ducks..."I just don't know how I fell in, but the the alligators just didn't get me, mom!" ...and the boy who got into my black and gold stamp pads and "colored" a wall in his bedroom... ...and wanted ice cream for breakfast...he got the cones out of the pantry and the ice cream out of the freezer all before I was even out of bed!...

...so glad the "mischievous three's" are behind us!! Although (*shaking head*), I'm not convinced he'll really ever grow out of it :) But I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Fishtail...fishtale...

2009-08-25T12:11:00.011-04:00

Grr....I just lost my original post...

Here we go again...

Trent has been asking Mike to "go" fishing. So last night, we took advantage of the pond in our backyard and really had fun!! This is what Trent scored on the first cast...a big catfish! (Scroll down to see how "big" Trent was showing me it was.) Mike had quite the time trying to get the hook out. I offered to ~~gracefully jog up the lawn to the house where I took in a deep breath completely wishing that I was not so out of shape or out of breath from ALL the exertion~~ ran back up to the house to get the needle nose pliers, but to no avail...the line broke and the fish swam off. I saw nothing "floating" out there this morning, so it must have been alright. I still feel bad though. Mike told me not to worry because the hook will eventually work it's way out. (I guess humans pierce their lips, cheeks, noses, and eyebrows for fun, so this fish can just start the trend for our backyard pond.)

It was so nice out last night. We enjoyed being outside together...I stayed out a few extra minutes - while Mike got pj's on the boys - to take some pictures looking out at our backyard...so peaceful!!

I love these leaves. This Canadian Choke Cherry tree was planted right after Drew was born.

SPLASH...

2009-08-25T11:28:00.013-04:00

My mom and brother joined us at the pool a couple weeks ago when they were up for the memorial service. We had a great time enjoying the sun, heat, and of course the water. The boys could hardly wait to get there and I heard about it all morning! Trent had fun as he was catapulted into the air...thankfully no belly flops ensued! And Drew...he's just too cute!! He was so happy to be a part of all the action in the big pool, I heard no complaints about wearing a life jacket.

The Results...

2009-08-24T08:18:00.007-04:00

...all came back perfectly normal.

We decided to have some genetic testing done after Joanna was born. We specifically wanted to check her chromosomes. At the beginning of my pregnancy, the doctor said he was pretty confident that Joanna's heart defect was an isolated thing. Later in my pregnancy he tossed out the possibility Joanna had trisomy. I thought this was a bit odd, considering there were no other signs of any abnormalities. I was never convinced that this was the underlying issue.

When I talked to the nurse last Friday, she said all the tests came back perfectly normal. It was simply Joanna's heart that had not formed correctly. A bittersweet answer. As a mom, I felt relief that I could not blame myself or feel guilty for "contributing" to her abnormalities...it wasn't something I passed on to her. Yet, I wonder why God allowed this to happen...THIS WAY. Though I realize I will not get any answers this lifetime, I trust that God will turn even our most tragic circumstances into something good. He was and still is in control, He formed each part of her. His love for her runs even deeper than mine.

This video is the way we introduced our baby girl to everyone attending her memorial service.
Enjoy meeting her and celebrating her life with us, too.

A package, some cards, and our Mail Lady...

2009-08-20T10:43:00.010-04:00

You just never know who God will allow you to cross paths with. Yesterday it was our sweet mail lady. She's been delivering our mail since we've lived here (5 years), usually we wave and smile and sometimes there is opportunity for small talk. Yesterday was one of those days...

I got such a special package! My friends from college complied cards and notes and sent them all to me with a Willow Tree memory box entitled, "Angel of Mine." Brought me to tears! Thanks again girls, you really made my day!!

Since the package wouldn't fit in our mailbox, our mail lady brought it up to the door and rang the bell. I said "Thanks!" and she casually asked if it was my birthday. I said, "No, actually it's just a lot of love and support from our friends...we just had a stillborn 3 weeks ago." She said how sorry she was and she began to tear up. She said that her daughter just went through the same thing on July 30th. She shared that her own birthday was the 28th, like Joanna's, so her daughter waited to be induced until the 30th. She wiped her eyes and said, "This grandma just hasn't stopped crying yet." She apologized and told me she didn't want to get me started either. She asked how I was doing physically and she went on to share that on top of the loss, they found cancer, and her daughter is now going to have a hysterectomy. Her daughter is dealing with the reality of not being able to have any more children. I told her about the support group I've been going to at one of the local hospitals. It's been good to be able to relate to moms who have "been there," and know that I'm not alone in this. After reassuring her I was doing okay, that we were "hanging in there" and "taking one day at a time," we said goodbye. As she walked away, I swallowed the lump in my throat, and wished I would have been better prepared to share about Joanna and the hope we clung/cling to through all of this...How Joanna directed our thoughts heavenward. Who knows if she shares that hope or if that was my only opportunity to talk her (BUT I hope it is not!) I wondered too if her daughter received our Noah's Hope photo book. I'm praying for another opportunity to talk with her.

Just think, I would never have had the opportunity to talk with her without getting this package from friends! Because of their love and encouragement, I was able to share with a grandma who needed a little love and encouragement too. Keep praying...and be ready to pass on a little love and encouragement to someone who needs it...God can work amidst my/your pain...are you ready?

Back to School

2009-08-20T10:11:00.012-04:00

Trent has been back in school a week now. He seems to really be enjoying 1st grade. Here are a few memorable pics from the first day of school...his class was actually on the front page of the local newspaper. The article was written about the students going back to school at their brand new school "on time" as there was a carpenters strike this summer that halted the progress. I've been enjoying a few extra minutes to sleep in...Trent's bus picks him up 10 minutes before school starts. (Last year the bus came 20 minutes earlier) Drew has done well too. He plays well on his own. He has built some really neat Lego cars, boats, and planes. Drew and I also went to story time at the library this week. It has been fun to have some time together - just the two of us!

I guess they think they are rockstars!? They were very excited!

A Beautiful Service

2009-08-17T12:22:00.011-04:00

I wanted to share a bit about Joanna's Memorial Service. In two words: BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING! It was all that I could have asked for as we remembered with friends and family our "shining light," Joanna Claire. The music was beautiful (Thanks Ellen, Hillary, Doug, and Jerry). I wish I could post it for you all to hear! The poems and scripture were shared from the heart. (Thanks, Jen P, and Jen F, Dad, and Brianna) Then the message John brought so encompassed what Mike and I wanted to remember and share with you all about what we learned through our short time with Joanna. Though she never took a single breath of air, she was very much alive. I still cherish each kick! Though she never cried, she spoke volumes about The Perfect Designer and the Love, Grace, and Hope we can have through the death of His son. It was BEAUTIFUL!

Mike and I also shared a note at the end of the service and I'd like to share that again here...

August 15, 2009
Dear Family and Friends,

Mike and I first want to share how thankful we are for you. It is surreal to be here at this place again, saying goodbye to our child. Many of you sat in these chairs 2 ½ years ago as we remembered our son Noah. We can't thank you enough for the prayers of strength, grace, and peace that have sustained us these 7 months. Our God is gracious to give us what we need, just when we need it!

Emotions come at any moment and without warning. We know this makes for some awkwardness, so in these times, thank you for crying with us, offering a hug, or just extending grace through your quiet patience. Sometimes there are simply no words. We will never forget her life and so please don't feel you have to avoid mentioning Joanna's name for fear of "reminding us of the pain"...knowing you haven't forgotten is a gift to us. Joanna and Noah will always have a special place in our hearts. They will never be forgotten.

There are opportunities to continue learning our whole lives. Life’s lessons keep coming at us, they never end. We can let them beat us down, or choose growth - gaining wisdom and understanding from them. As hard as it is to walk through the school of suffering, Mike and I desire to graduate - not shaking our fist at God asking “Why?” but looking to the future asking “What is God going to do with our experience? How will He use our daughter’s life to impact others?” You being here is already testimony to that fact! Joanna Claire’s life has made a difference!

We trust that in your life, AS HE HAS DONE IN OURS, you recognize that God gives us beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair. Our suffering is not in vain, our pain will not go unredeemed. He works in our lives amidst the pain to draw us near to Himself. Though we couldn’t control how Joanna’s heart was formed, we can control our response to this deep loss. Lord, may our response be beautiful and pleasing to You!

Mike and Kristin

The Cord

We are connected, My child and I
by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth
this cord can't be seen by any on earth.

This cord does it's work right from the start
it binds us together attached to my heart.

I know that it's there, though no one can see
the invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe
it can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord man can create
it withstands the tests, can hold any weight.

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me
the cord is still there , but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised , I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child, death can't take this away.

-Author Unknown

Memorial Service

2009-08-12T16:57:00.008-04:00

From Our Hands to Jesus'There will be a Memorial Service for Joanna Claire

on Saturday the 15th

at 11:00am

held at Wallen Baptist Church

(1001 West Wallen Rd, Ft Wayne,IN 46825)

Thanks for walking on this journey with us, friends!

Kristin, Mike and Family

On the schedule...

2009-08-04T22:00:00.003-04:00

...Nothing but time. The pros: Relax, Rest, Quiet, Time to Think. The cons: Quiet Time to Think.
It's been an interesting few days, hard to believe our little girl was born a week ago already. Time just keeps on going and yet in my head and heart I'm stuck back at last Tuesday. It's been good for me to see Trent and Drew enjoying themselves and I love seeing their personalities come out throughout the events of the day...swimming, boating, tubing, kayaking, rope swinging, and just hanging out with their cousins. I'll give you a peek at the things that are making me smile this week among the tears.

**This was Trent's attempt to get a pic of Mike and I...oh well :)**

Introducing...

2009-08-04T21:55:00.001-04:00

Drew as Indiana Jones!

Hope you get as BIG a smile as I did watching this!

Vacation? Now?

2009-08-02T10:40:00.004-04:00

Well, we made it Saturday evening to the cottages with Mike's family. I actually slept pretty good last night. Thanks to Mike's mom and my mom for doing loads of laundry and helping me pack! But it might take a few days for my swelling ankles to recover from being on my feet more than I should have - I plan to sit and relax this week, promise!

I'm enjoying a cup of tea this Sunday morning and looking out over the lake - what a beautiful creation from the most Awesome Creator! I'm looking over and over at Joanna Claire's photos and thinking about Joanna's Creator not making any mistakes. She, a beautiful canvas to display His gentle brushstrokes and His sovereignty over all of the things He has made. Each of her tiny parts has been restored to perfection. She is alive, and one day I'll Will Rise too, no more sorrow, no more pain!

So, as you can guess, I've been listening to the song I Will Rise, among many others, and I've been reading in Hebrews. Chapter 7 verse 19 tells us, "and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God." This hope Mike and I claim is the gift of Jesus - sent to die for us (ME, Mike, Trent, Drew, Noah, Joanna, YOU) by His heavenly Father so that we can have a new life with our Creator God. Chapter 10 verse 23 says, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

I also wanted to attach the link to my aunt's blog - can't wait to get a hold of this book! Read her post Treasures in Jars of Clay. Many of you have commented about Joanna's "name" picture and I must give credit for the idea to my cousin Katie! She's just started a photography blog here.

An Uncle's Thoughts

2009-07-29T22:12:00.022-04:00

As I wait to pen my thoughts and the events these last few days, I wanted to share the letter Joanna's uncle wrote. I think it captures perfectly my heart as well. THANK YOU for this SPECIAL GIFT, Kevin.

To my tiny niece Joanna,

I'm so glad I got to see you, Joanna, the day that you were born.
All bundled up, I held you, such a tiny baby's form.
Little Joanna Claire, such a great big shining light.
You have shown us God is gracious, and that His timing is right.
Without speaking a single word, you've already said so much.
Kicking in your mommy's tummy, did you know how many lives you'd touch?
See, just like your older brother, you are fulfilling your design,
God made you with a special heart, that now beats in perfect time.
You've shown so many people that God controls all of our days.
You are proof to the whole world that God is perfect in His ways.
We can not always understand why things happen like they do.
But we are certain that God is Love, because He created You!
I'm a little disappointed, Joanna, I have to wait so long,
To get to know my little niece, and ask you how you are so strong.
So til we get to see you, Joanna, we'll feel like we are apart,
But we know that you're with Jesus, living in rhythm with His heart.

No words...

2009-07-28T22:51:00.004-04:00

Joanna Claire was born at 7:28 am this morning July 28. She was a full 26 weeks old. She weighed 2lbs. 13 oz. and was 12 in long. Her hands and feet were so tiny. Thank you all for your prayers, I have felt a real peace today.

I wanted to share the lyrics to the song I kept thinking of today...

He Knows My Name

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

Joanna Claire's with Jesus

2009-07-27T17:48:00.004-04:00

My tears are flooding over as I play the confirmation I got from the doctor just an hour and a half ago over in my head. Emotions and thoughts are overwhelming as I anticipate all that will take place in the next 24 hours. Let me back up a bit, last night as I enjoyed sitting with a friend talking and eating some Cold Stone I wondered how long I get to feel the hiccups and kicks from my little girl. Never did I imagine this week to be the "perfect time" God would chose to allow Joanna's heart to beat it's last. Today I got out my trusty dopplar and tried to find her heartbeat, but it was quiet. I don't allow myself to get all worked up, sometimes shes just not in a good position. I tried the cold soda and decided to wait to see if I could feel her kick or move. We enjoyed a wonderful day with some friends - swimming - the boys had a blast!! I checked again when we got home, but couldn't find a heartbeat. I called the doctors office and they said to come on in. My heart racing I dropped off the boys and raced to the doctors office...getting very impatient with all the SLOW drivers! He asked if I had a sixth sense about things. I told him I was not very confident about what I'd find out and as he moved the wand over my belling I saw nothing but black and white...no more movement - where so many weeks before, Joanna had defied the odds and just kept fighting to stay alive. He said, "I'm sorry, but you were right." He said, "Go home spend time with your family, get things settled, and meet me at the hospital at 9pm. I'll have everything lined up and ready to go." So, we'll head in to be induced tonight and say 'Goodbye before our Hello' to Joanna Claire in the morning.

We appreciate your prayers! Don't understand this timing like I said before because my mom is out of state doing some advanced training before school starts, we have been planning a family vacation to Michigan next week, Mike is very busy at work as another co-worker is on vacation. AHHH!!

So what can I change? Nothing but my attitude...so, I'll continue to trust that God is faithful and caring and is not at all looking down from heaven saying, "Ha, let's see how you do now! Figure this one out!" He is hurting with us, this is another reminder to us that this world is not all there is. There is a perfect world he has provided for us, and that is HEAVEN...no pain, no tears, no disease, no death! We are thankful for the assurance of this HOPE. Christ made a way for us to be a part of heaven through His own death on the cross and I can trust that no matter what tragedy or brokenness this world throws at us, we will come out with the faith that God has not abandoned us and left us alone. His Spirit abides with us giving us comfort, strength, peace, and hope for the future. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, boy, just the opposite!! My tears will be my constant companion for a while.

We'll try and post updates as soon as we can...

A Break and A Blessing

2009-07-22T23:30:00.018-04:00

My boys came back from Grandma's house today. It has been such a nice "time out" for me. I didn't get so much of "my list" accomplished, but it was a nice mental and emotional break. The boys had SO MUCH fun and I had some quiet time to rest, relax, read, think...and yes I did splurge for a pedicure :)

Another highlight for me was to go downtown with my dear friend Jen (and her new camera) to take some pictures. I can hardly believe that it has been 11 weeks ago since we thought we were taking the last pictures of our time with Joanna Claire. So...26 weeks and counting and it was definitely a milestone to document in pictures. It was a gift of time -wandering around, laughing, and capturing wonderful memories as I felt Joanna kick and move. Thank you, Jen, for your time, your encouragement, and your friendship.
We also swung by Lutheran Hospital to drop off the last of the "extra" photo books I had here at home. A nurse called the church to let us know they were all out! The staff are so thankful to be able to give these photo books to help moms continue to cherish the memories of their baby. Thanks to many of you who made these books and prayed for the moms and families who would receive them. Looks like we'll have to get together and make some more - maybe sometime in late August early September.

Tuesday I met with the doctor. Same old, same old...checked her heart, her head, her abdomen. Didn't get a good read on the heart rate - she's still falling right between 44-46 when I check at home. Fluid continues to accumulate. I asked if she was still measuring on schedule like she had at 20 weeks, but I was not so surprised to hear she is lagging behind now. Doctor's guess was about 21 weeks - though he only measured the head not the femur.

We mentioned we would be going to Michigan for a vacation in a couple weeks and he said, "Good, go. I think that's great." He'll send a copy of my records with us just in case anything should happen, but I'm not too nervous, I know God's timing is perfect and I'll just have to continue to trust Him. It was nice to get such positive approval from my doctor too!

He said when I get back in August he'd give steroids to me/baby to help her lungs develop. He mentioned briefly a couple scenarios we'd discuss in more detail if Joanna's heart is still beating come September. He mentioned he didn't want me to feel like an experiment, but that there was a procedure (he gave me the medical name, but I can not remember) where he could insert a needle into the baby's abdomen and take out some fluid. This would help me to be able to deliver naturally (because her belly is so bloated with fluid) and he said it'd be a whole lot easier to resuscitate her if they needed to after she was born. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it's nice to see him covering all the possible bases...God has shown his predictions to be wrong so many times - the doc has to be ready for anything with this little girl!

I'm amazed at the difference between the doctor in 2 1/2 years. When I saw him with Noah, my visits were so impersonal - in, out, quick, to the point, abrupt, even offensive at times. I no longer feel like a number, a record, or a file. He sees me as a mom, a wife, a MOTHER. He takes time to talk, process, and really listen to what we want. His attitude has changed - I know he respects our ethical choices (he did with Noah too), BUT he's CHOOSING to have a different attitude as he interacts with us. Little Joanna Claire is truly living up to her name, shining a light in that office that he is really grappling with. I marveled after this last appointment as I watched him step back toward the sink and away from the door and begin chit-chatting about our vacation and Michigan golf courses with Mike...wow, we've come a long way. I'm thankful for the changes in his thinking and that God continues to "let me in on" this transformation.

I guess that's about it for now. Thank you for caring about us. Thank you for taking the time to read our updates and bring our family before the Lord.
A verse comes to mind...2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I'm thankful for the strength he gives me each day just to put one foot in front of the other. I most surely would have given-up by now if I relied on my own strength. His grace is sufficient!