4-D

Today at my appointment I found out that our baby girl has more fluid around her heart. So after about 3 weeks of everything being the "same" it looks like things are getting a bit worse. He wasn't able to measure a heart rate, though he looked and listened to it for about 15 seconds. (I continue to count it at about 50 bpm when I can find it at home on the doppler.) I asked him if I could see her in 4D and though this picture isn't the best it was really neat to see her on the screen!! It's the first time I've seen one with any of my kiddos. For the last few weeks he's let me set up my next appointment as far as the date goes, but today he said he wanted to see my back on Tuesday morning, and just to call if anything happened before then. I know he probably has another hunch, but decided NOT to share it with me :) I guess he's learning that anything is possible when it comes to Koning babies (Noah and our girl)! I asked about brain activity and he said, "it's very primitive but she is not suffering." I just wonder how she continues to move and grow with such an ineffective heart- making for insufficient blood and oxygen flow. He started to say, "I can't imagine that Tue...well...I'll just see you on Tuesday."

So my roller coaster begins another trek up, up, up a steep hill. As I listen to the warning of the coaster's clicking, I wait for my heart to beat faster and my palms to get sweaty before I just can't hold my scream in any longer. Then comes the quick emotional rush to the low of lows. It's hard living day by day wondering if "this" will be the day she kicks for last time. My strength is definitely dwindling...I think about just being "done." Thankfully I don't have to rely on my own strength!! His grace is sufficient for each day, hour, and minute. Thank you for the many times you faithfully pray for us. You are such a blessing to me especially!

Quick Update on our baby girl...

Last night my computer decided to "get sick." I'm looking at 3/4 of a blurry screen(so forgive any typos!) that is only turquise and yellow and green! Hopefully it's something we can get fixed quickly, but I'm frustrated by the timing!

Anyways, I just got back from a pretty uneventful trip to the doctor. I started by letting him know I regularly feel her move and that it surprises me that she moves so actively likeI remember with my other kids. He didn't really say anything. While taking a look, he said it was hard to get a reading on the heart rate because sometimes it beats steady and others its very abnormal, so he guessed that it averages out to be about 60 bpm. He looked at and measured the head (she is head down now) and the leg and said she is measuring "right on." He said, "I can't tell you she looks any worse than last week, if not better." So he left it up to me as to when I come in, "he's just along for the ride." He's said this before and I have to wonder what he's thinking about this ride in that intellectual head...how and why this is happening! I told him a lot of people were praying with me that she would hold on for at least another week while my mom was out of the country. As he walked out he smiled and said, "All you have to do is look at my stock portfolio to see how I am at predicting..." He laughed to himself and shook his head as he leaft the room. I'm scheduled to go back in next Thursday, meanwhile we'll continue to take one day at a time and I'll enjoy all the kicks.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family. We can't thank you enough for helping us carry this burden!

"Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation." -Is. 12:2

Happy Anniversary!

Today Mike and I celebrate 9 years of marriage! I can't believe it's been that long, it's gone so fast. Mike, you'd better make sure you've started saving for the big cruise next year I'm looking forward to a quiet dinner out!

I got out our wedding album this morning and reminisced about OUR day...our prayer...
Col. 2:2-3 "...that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Here are a few pics I scanned into the computer - not the greatest quality but they'll do.


Mike,
Thank you for 9 great years! I'm so glad we said "I do!" I love your servants heart and I appreciate all that you do to bless me as your partner. Thank you for being understanding, patient, and kind. (I know that's not always easy with me and all we have faced these last 2 1/2 years) I see you striving to be more Christ-like and I'm so grateful for your leadership as we raise our family. I love you, and I hope we have many more years to celebrate together!
Love,
Me

A thought...

This is a reminder to me more than anything else! I like real life scenes along with scripture. (Drew was "playing" goalie here, but the ball was at the other end the entire time. He got tired and bored and decided to sit down, take a rest, and wait for the ball to come to him.)

Though we didn't encourage his efforts here in this instance, it reminded me that sometimes when my life seems chaotic and overwhelming, I just need to STOP and SIT and WAIT for the LORD, knowing He is in CONTROL.

20 weeks + 2 days

I headed to the doctors office again this morning with 2 boys in tow. Mike met us there and they enjoyed an old Superman cartoon in the waiting room. Words are hard to find today...it's mostly been tears and lots of dialog with the Lord...I'm weary.

I wish it was easier to trust...His plan, His timing, His ways, His purpose; trying to reconcile my daughters life and purpose, my pain, my fear, my tears.

As I wander down my hallway, I stop and often stare at the reminders I made and hung shortly after we said goodbye to Noah.

It's hard to believe we are wandering through this Valley of Weeping yet again...not that I thought we'd have an automatic pass telling us to move directly to "GO, collecting $200" after Noah either. But it's hard to walk this same road, that of losing my child. What more do I need to learn? What didn't I "get" through my thick head the first time? Is it something about myself that I need to examine, or is it so that the works of God may be displayed through [her] (John 9:1-3)? I don't know - I won't know on this side of heaven, and I'm trying to just be ok with that. His grace is sufficient for each moment, each day, each week. I follow a blog by Angie, the wife of Todd Smith - the lead singer for Selah, and she hit the nail on the head here.

Angie writes..."Several people have written me over the months and they have asked me this question in many different ways. 'Do you believe that God was responsible for taking your baby? How can you love a God Who would do that?' Here is my answer.
I don't know why she is gone, but I do know Who had the final say. And it wasn't the snake.
And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. "

I am willfully unconcerned with why. I can say most days, I feel this way- His grace allows me to say this. I just wish I could say this everyday with certainty! It's hard when I'm weary of walking this road.

Dr. W counted her heart rate at 47bpm today. He showed me the entirety of her profile on the screen...I saw a large black abdomen - fluid just completely surrounding everything. I can't believe that I can feel her move with such force sometimes...I imagined she'd be lethargic with such a slow heart. He said, "I know I've been wrong and haven't predicted a time frame the last couple of weeks, but I don't think by next week we'll have a heartbeat."

I'm weary...of this roller coaster. Physically watching my belly grow, and emotionally as our bond grows - it weighs heavy. The wondering and the waiting - it drains me. Thank you for praying us through this gap. Some days I haven't the words.

Please continue to pray for peace and rest as we wait. My mom and two brothers will be traveling to Israel for an amazing trip through the Holy Land beginning next week. I'm trusting that the Lord will work out the timing of our daughters arrival and my families travels. He knows my desires and so I'll lay them down at His feet and trust that His plan is perfect. (I just wish I could have a sneak peak, to see how it all works out.)

I look forward to the transformation of our Valley into Refreshing Springs...I know He is faithful to see us through.

With Love and Gratitude to our Saviour and our Friends,

The Konings

Baby girl

Well I'm just shy of 20 weeks. I can hardly believe we heard the doctor tell us "she would have no heartbeat tomorrow"...and that was 3 weeks ago. The doctor told me today that he really didn't think I'd make it through May. But as he saw her heart still beating, he told me "he's just along for the ride now." He said that the 50-60 bpm we continue to see/hear is from the ventricle. It is programed to beat at that rate regardless. The problem continues to be from the atrium. It doesn't seem to be working - it is just full of fluid. I asked how it was possible for her to even survive on 50-60bpm and he told me, "I can explain it." Later, he looked at the brain and turned on the blue and red color, it seemed as though their was brain activity, though he didn't say so in words. He reminded me as he's said before that the demand on her heart will only increase, but he can not predict when it will be "too much." As long as I'm healthy, he is willing to watch and care for me during this pregnancy. He told me he is seeing 3 other families right now who have chosen to continue their pregnancy as we have. I truly believe that the Lord is softening his heart...how can this not?

He said there is only one way he'd begin "pushing buttons." He said it isn't likely, but it is a possibility. I could get something called mirror(s) syndrome (he commented that I wouldn't find it on the internet!) Basically, the placenta would become so full of fluid that it would become poisonous to me and cause toxemia. That is the only way he would "push buttons" for me to deliver in spite of her heart still beating. Then he said, "After seeing your 2 boys last week, I'll be 'darned' if I let anything happen to you!"

I saw lots of black on the screen, indicating fluid. He showed me her intestines and liver just "floating around" in fluid. He said that she has some in her neck also. I asked about what she'd looked like after delivery. I asked if she'd look bloated? He said, "like the Michelin man, but not so big that you couldn't deliver." I picture it like the little bloated Ethiopian babies I've seen in pictures. I asked if there would be any other physical thing that would be abnormal. He said, "no, she'd look perfect." Again, he's admitted he's just along for the ride. What a crazy ride it is for us! Don't' have to understand it, just have to trust that God's ways and timing are perfect! Easier said than done some days, so thank you all again for lifting us up in prayer! You all have been such an encouragement to us. We are clinging to the hope we have through faith! Thanks for taking our hand, helping us up, and walking beside us down this rough road.I'm so thankful for our first two blessings!!! What joy they bring to our home!!!

Kindergarten Grad

I just wanted to post a few pictures. We are so excited for our first born. Trent has done so well this year...I really can't believe it's over! It went so fast, I can only imagine each year getting faster and faster.

Here is a glimpse of his first day...and his graduation day...has he changed a little (I mean other than getting smarter...it's so fun to hear him read)?