Ultra sound Update

How do we begin…where do we go from here? I can tell you that after Noah died I felt a peace about having more children…that God would not allow us to go through this again…well, in some respects that is true, but the heartache we feel today is the same as the day we learned about Noah’s problems. Our baby girl (the doctor said, "I think were pink" anyway) does NOT have Meckel-Gruber syndrome. In fact, the specialist said that if we did an amniocentesis we’d probably find all the chromosomes normal. So although we are not walking down the exact same path, we find ourselves on a different path that leads to the same end. Our baby girl is in heart failure. Those words that stung my ears, seemingly out of the blue two weeks ago (that “your baby is not in heart failure”), are indeed what I feared and prayed so hard not to be true today.
What the doctor saw this morning was fluid building up in the belly and liver, a very irregular heartbeat, and a heart rate of 75. (Half the normal rate of 150) Signs are pointing to the heart not working/pumping like it should. As the baby grows the demands on the heart only increase and so the doctor told us that it would be likely that when I go back in two weeks there would not be a heartbeat.
I was “prepared” for a Meckel-Gruber diagnosis and was relieved that no symptoms seemed to be present during the previous ultra sounds. I was so NOT prepared to hear that my baby really would not survive another couple of weeks.

Lord, I’ve been here before, I thought I learned a whole lot from Noah…what are you doing now? This is not supposed to happen, right? I know in my head of your faithfulness, your truth, but help my heart to fall in line with my head! I know that the road of bitterness is not for me, so instead- I choose to trust, but it is just so hard. I will cherish the time I have with my daughter now, thought things would be different…you know maybe ponytails, and ribbons, and dolls, and shopping, and long conversations over the phone or coffee…

I asked the doctor how common this heart failure is for babies, I was surprised to hear 1 out of 500. He said I’m unique because we don’t usually see patients for u/s at 11 weeks and so we’ve seen the progression. Normally we’d have a mom come in around 18 weeks for her u/s and just find no heartbeat. He said,” it’s like you got hit by a bus and a golf ball at the same time.” (At least he toned down his example a bit from the Potter’s experience and said golf ball instead of ‘shot in the back’)!

He did say some kind words to me as well, which Jen and I specifically prayed for as I drove to my appointment. He asked Mike if I “was ‘always like this’ understanding that our culture doesn’t handle these diagnosis’ or outcomes with grace. Most people throw their heads back in a Job like moment and ask 'Why me!?'” Mike then said, “we don’t what anyone to lose the message.” The doctor said, “I get the message, you’ve helped me see things differently. I learn more from my patients that they learn from me sometimes.” WOW was all I was thinking…maybe we are making a small impact on how he sees life and the value of it in this world.

He said more than once, “I’m so glad you have two children at home.” Yes, we are extremely thankful for the two children God has given us to raise, but we will always remember the two other children He’s given to us, me especially to carry, for just a short while. They can never be replaced – each unique and special, made in His image. Don’t know the why’s, but we know and trust that His ways are Higher than ours and His ways are Perfect.

“Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Psalm 61:1-4

Thank you for your love and support. Words can not express our gratitude and the encouragement that they give. Continue to pray for us, and the baby…we know the reality, but we also believe in a God who can work miracles.

Great day...

I picked up some real fish food (we usually just use bread) at Walmart the other day and the boys were so excited that it looked like the food we get at the zoo to feed the catfish. We spent time out in the sun, the boys skipped rocks on the pond, and played on the swing set.

Drew was showing me another rock he found for his "coewection." The pile in my garage, however, is beginning to get rather large, hummm...

Trent was rollin' around in the grass. We are loving this weather!

FARM DAY field trip

Last Friday I got to go with Trent's class to the fairgrounds. The local high school's FFA was there to tell the students about the different farm animals, take the kids for a hay ride, read stories, and of course sing Old MacDonald had a Farm. Here are some snapshots of our day.

Not such a flattering pic, but we had a fun ride :)

The kids had a great time petting the goats.

The smelly cow pic you've all heard about.

All the boys were behind the cow and saw well...I think you get the idea! The tough boys weren't so tough after that.

The kids were fascinated with the pigeons.

Trent's petting some kind of chicken I think. It was really different.

Hope Clinic Banquet

Many of you prayed for Jen and I last Thursday. I thought I'd share a little bit about that night. We estimated there were about 240 people in attendance, and from our conversations with the men and women afterwords there was quite a mix of people (yes, including the Amish family that came up to share about the 3 sons they had lost). I wished somehow we could have presented the gospel more clearly, although, Mike assured me that people could not deny hearing the different ways we shared about having a personal relationship with Christ that night...NOT a religion, but a relationship. I do pray that Noah and Owen's lives continue to speak to the hearts of those that heard that night. He is truly the God of the Calm and the Storm. I have to say I could totally feel your prayers, as I was speaking, the words seemed to flow more as in a conversation and less rehearsed and read (which I wasn't sure would happen considering all that is heavy on my heart about baby #4). I looked down to see steady hands-not the trembling fingers and knocking knees- as I turned page after page...I guess by the 5th time around I'm getting more comfortable in front of a crowd. Can I just say - GRACE of GOD. I do have to say it was nice to see some familiar faces. My good friends parents, one of Mike's co-workers, and even a mom I met at support group almost 2 1/2 years ago.
Thanks again for your prayers...I look forward to seeing/meeting the lives touched by our boys when we reach heaven.

OUTSIDE!!

After Trent's soccer game a couple of weeks ago, we let the boys play on the playground...just a few happy pics...

Down this road before...

Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers! I really drew strength today knowing we'd be lifted up before our Father's Throne. This follow up didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. The specialist and his ultra sound tech looked at the heart first. The pattern was still irregular and the heart rate was 112 (normal being from 120-160). The doctor said it was too early to see the actual structure of the heart to see why the heart is misfiring. He reassured us by sharing that, "the baby is not in heart failure." Of course I swallowed really hard at this comment wondering if that is where we're headed. I'll go back again in 2 weeks to hopefully get a better look at the heart's structure.

The tech also found a bit of fluid collecting at the back of the head. She measured it at .8 and under 1.0 is considered in the high range of "normal." Memories of Noah's diagnosis flood my mind, but I remind myself that we'll must take one step at a time and face each hurdle as it comes...not before.

The specialist left us by saying, "just continue to think happy thoughts these next two weeks." "Oh great, yeah sure," I thought at first - "that's how your leaving things with us?" But I know that we have something even better that we can do than "think happy thoughts." We'll be on our knees asking, probably more like begging, the CREATOR to help our baby mature and grow into a healthy child

As I lay on the ultra sound table, a very familiar face came in to let me know Mike had arrived. It was my wonderful nurse Susan. I looked forward to seeing her each visit with Noah. She gave me a big hug and she said how often she thinks of us. With tears welling in her eyes she shared how we had impacted her personally by carrying Noah. What an encouragement...she is a dear lady who is a shining light in an office where so often it is suggested to terminate a pregnancy. She has been an advocate there and shared with me a few times how she has used Noah's life as a reminder to the doc that we DO bond with our baby and enjoy that time being pregnant because often that is the ONLY time some women may get. She said she would fervently pray for us the next two weeks, and we would ask you to do the same as well. It's really hard not to think that we may be headed down such a familiar path, one that is so treacherous. But as I sat in the car listening to the radio, I realized I had zoned out until I heard these words...

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and

the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

There were/are so many things going through in my head, but the truth is I need only to listen to one voice and He says, "Do Not Be Afraid! This IS for MY GLORY! I am with you always."

Good News...

Mike and I are excited to share that we are EXPECTING baby #4. I'm 13+ weeks and we are due October 24. We covet your prayers tomorrow as we go see the specialist for a follow up ultra sound. I was sent down to see te specialist when I went in at 11 weeks because they were concerned about a slow heartbeat. The u/s tech did a lot of measurements of the head and was able to tell us that everything was measuring normal at that time. We were told the slow heart rate could have been caused by an immature electro impulse system. The specialist said, "I could scare you with all the possibilities, but I remember you don't scare easily." Maybe I did make a small impact last time with Noah :)

We left 2 weeks ago not with terrible news, so that was good. I was at peace with "wait and see." Tomorrow we'll see baby again! We are praying that their heart continues to mature and that they got our good genes and won't have Meckel-Gruber Syndrome. We have confidence, however, that God's plan is GOOD and He will take care of us no matter what the outcome may be.