In SHOCK and AWE...

For the last 15 weeks our family has been praying for someone special. The emotions of it all lead to our choice not to share the news publicly...yet. The waiting can be excruciating, and as a mom especially, I felt like I needed to be the protector and guardian until we had more information.

After we lost Noah, we were so excited to be expecting again, and it was devastating to find out, and then have to share, that we would be loosing Joanna too. We just felt so confident that we wouldn’t have to face another loss. Needless to say, we learned that no one gets a free pass when it comes to the struggles and pain of this life.

So this past August when we found out that God had blessed us with another pregnancy, we felt both excited and apprehensive. “Are we really that crazy – to try AGAIN?” I came to a very hard crossroads this last spring and decided I needed to make a choice…to release what control I still thought I had on what I thought my family would be…my dreams, my expectations. It was hard not knowing what the future would hold for the Konings. Could I really spend anymore time wishing for what was lost?  Wishing for more. Could I just be truly grateful for the two amazing boys God has given me? Do I continue to stay home? Do I pursue a full time job? How do I best serve my family? How do I go on, what’s the next thing for me, if we are done having children? It all came to a head when Mike we decided it would be a great idea to have a garage sale and get rid of the baby stuff that sat collecting much dust in the attic. This seemed like an easy decision logically, but it was very emotional for me. Attached were the memories of Trent and Drew using them, yes, but then on top of that were the emotions of the dreams and memories I never got to have with Noah and Joanna, or would/could have with any more babies. Was this REALLY my life? Reality sets in, and friends, it can be brutal sometimes. But I survived, and it really was a process - of relinquishment - that I needed to go through.

Back to August…well, September when I finally got an appointment with the doctor (at 11 weeks, but they thought more like 10). Without me even having to ask, the doctor said he’d get me back to ultrasound and we’d see how things were progressing. We heard a very strong heartbeat that morning, 176. We had crossed the “Joanna hurdle”, but knew it’d be too early to tell about Meckel-Gruber (I was 15 weeks when we found out there were problems with Noah). So, overall it was a good day, but we were by no means out of the woods. I had some emotional days in the next few weeks, thinking of all the “little” things that could go wrong, not allowing myself to get too attached or too excited…just waiting and bracing myself for the bad news to come.

Four more weeks I waited to see the perinatologist, four weeks we waited to see if we could leap the “Noah hurdle” too. Could we even think of having a healthy baby? I questioned in all sincerity, I’m not being overly dramatic here…if you’ve ever lost a baby…then you get it!

You know, after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I thought I’d be more excited…I think I’ve just met so many moms who have lost babies in various ways and stages that I’m not too naive to think we’ll ever be out of the woods. Like I said earlier…no one gets a free pass. Maybe I’m sharing too much, I sound like such a pessimist, but this is what I’m feeling…no sugar coating! It’s like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the doctors to say “oh wait, we found something.” It will just take time to process, I think. And no matter what, I DO genuinely believe God is Good.

So yesterday, the u/s tech confirmed, with measurements, a due date of April 28. She got a strong heartbeat again. Though she didn’t give me the #, we commented that it wasn’t 75 (like Joanna) and she gave us a nod. They will check the heart again more thoroughly in four weeks. Baby was just too small to be able to see clearly. I asked specifically if there were any signs of M.-G. - a fluid sac- (like Noah) and she shared that everything was measuring good, no obvious signs of anything wrong, and that they'd look at the spinal cord and kidneys closely next time. The doctor said there was no need to come in “with my heart in my mouth,” (a new phrase to me, but I think I got the gist of what he was trying to say) but that he wanted to check everything again in four weeks before he “was willing to sign off on me” and allow me to go back to my regular OB doctor.

ALL THIS TO SAY, we think we may be carrying a HEALTHY, 3 oz, 14 ½ week old BABY KONING.

And the BIG brothers couldn’t be more excited,

the Grandparents couldn’t be more excited,

Mom and Dad are still in shock and awe…

letting the possibility sink in…

but yes, we are excited too!

We are thankful for the gracious blessing God has granted me to carry for a time…and we longingly await meeting and holding this precious gift from above!!