Sharing my Journey

I had the privilege of sharing my testimony at Cedarville University back on the 18th of October. I shared about "Leaving a Wake of JOY" through the storms of life. I'm working on the possibility of posting the video here on my blog, but for now you can click here to go to the university's Chapel Archive. In the search bar type in my name "Kristin Koning" or search for Oct 18 and it should pop up. You can listen to the audio version or watch the video which includes my powerpoint pictures and scripture. I pray it will be an encouragement to you...

A Walk to Remember

I got to be a part of this Remembrance Walk on Saturday - Honoring and Remembering our babies together. It was a sappy "sad/happy" day, but it is always a good thing for me to be able to create good memories alongside such painful ones.

I also wanted to spread the word about Dupont's new support group. I do actually look forward to going! This is a place where I "belong," where I feel like I can breathe deeply, share honestly, and I don't have to explain anything…the other moms just get it. We meet the first Thursday of each month at 7pm.

A Walk to Remember

By Kathie Mayo

I walk to remember the steps you’ll never take. I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet. Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled. You were a love that grew like butterfly wings that beat. Your gentle flutters then become kicks upon which I would dwell. And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet the sun always shown upon us then - when you were in my womb. And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home. How you’d have loved the sun shining - blue skies without a cloud. The autumn leaves turning - the snow falling all around. The flowers in the summer- would have filled your eyes with smiles. And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise. You would have traveled far with me holding me by the hand. And I’d have shown you all I could more than I can imagine. You hold my heart tightly now, as though we’re holding hands. How far we’ve traveled, little one and my life with you has been sweet. For I carry you in my heart as I firmly plant my feet.

October 15th

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says

"I Remember You"

For those of you who are wondering about all the candle pics popping up, today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day - No, we Don't need one day to Remember…we remember them EVERY day! But I am thankful this is becoming less taboo to talk about!

I'll be thinking about and praying for the moms tonight who, like me, have loved and lost. We all light candles tonight as we remember. We create a #waveoflight. It's nice to be able to feel we are NOT alone on this journey. We gather. We honor. We remember.

My heart aches for the day I get to see my children again. I saw a quote that went something like, "I miss you with all of the pieces of my heart." Yep, a heart once shattered has begun to heal.

I REMEMBER YOU

The world may never notice

If a rosebud doesn't bloom:

Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be

Touches the World in some small way

For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for

Were swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says

"I Remember You"

Author unknown

Just be Held

Back in February I got to go to a Casting Crowns concert. It was a much needed girls night out with some friends I don't get to hang out with very often. We laughed and cried as we sang along. This song was a new one for me, but it struck a chord. God has been working in my heart in very specific ways these last 7 years…through much heartache and loss, and yes, moments of joy sprinkled in too.

So thankful that EACH day I've been HELD!

Just wanted to share this tonight as I reflect on Emilie's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who wont let go

another year...

Missing her today especially.

our Emilie Alyse.

Heard this song this morning at church...so good...i've listened to this album so many times...

healing.

-This is not how it should be, this is not how it could be, but God is in Control!-



Drew asked if we could go get balloons and sing happy birthday at the cemetery.

So we did.

The boys showed Anna her big brother and sister's stones.

Tears.

and

Laughter.

all

Together.

When we walked up I saw 3 big bunches of my favorite flowers...I was so surprised...yep, they WERE at my babies stones.

But Who? How? When?

My Stretcher Bearers!?!

Speechless.

Thanks, friends, for remembering with us today.

It means so much!

We know life goes on...dates just become days...so we are humbled and so grateful that you still show us you remember.

Thanks for loving our family and continuing to pray us through.

You blessed us so much today!

Everthing I Need...

and other random thoughts on grief.

3 months

Hard to swallow today.

Haven’t written in a while…

No words

Thoughts I’d rather keep secret…shame

Tired of the tears
…of questions to which I have no answers

Incomplete thoughts…mental blanks…no insight…so inadequate
GRIEF
Exhausted
Feeling lost

Missing her
Missing what should have/could have been
Where is my joy in the morning?
Missing her smiles, her blue eyes, her chubby thighs
Wanting to comb hair, place bows, pick out dresses

Constant reminders

Daily reminders here, there, and everywhere
Seeing the same dresses my Emilie was supposed to look so cute in on other babies
Why don’t I get the “happy ending too?”

Frustrated: trying to “suck in” my still swollen belly

Sick of my heart not surrendering to the truths I’m forced to keep telling myself
Feeling beaten up, wounded, bloodied…tired of the constant battle

Wishing my house was not so quiet
My Heart leaps, I Look around and past the hall to “her” room when I hear an infant’s cry only to realize my stupidity when I hear that it’s just coming from the tv commercial for NBC’s new show ‘Up All Night”

Hating the unknown…the triggers…wondering when I’ll get blind sighted with grief, her absence, tears pouring out – recalling only the brief memory of her. Did this really happen to me?

Awkward pause, lump in my throat, when I try to figure out what I should now call “her room” – it’s not just an office anymore. No, “computer room” or “boy’s game room” isn’t fitting either. I want it to be HER room. I want her to be here!

Wondering what the future holds

Trying not to feel defeated or slapped in the face while I reason with myself that His plans are perfect, it’s for my good…for the third time.

Grappling with the fact that His ways are not my ways…knowing my place (on my knees) before my Creator…not wanting to put Him in a place of submission to me and what I think He should do.

Wanting clarity
Wanting to see the big picture
Asking myself what I still need to learn…that I didn’t get the first 2 times.

Constant cycle:
Anger
Disappointment
More questions
Heart ACHE
Tears
Submission
More tears

Injustice of uncaring, irresponsible girls/women having babies
Why not me?

Reconciling the “knowing” and “feeling
Faith? Hope? Love? Really?
Yes,
Faith! Hope! Love! Really!
How will You use this hurt, Lord?
Will You redeem it? …soon? …Please!
How could You use me?
How will You use my husband, Trent & Drew, Noah, Joanna, and Emilie?
I want to SEE, I want to trust, but I feel like a failure.
Keep me tender toward Your Spirit, give me strength to persevere, and to be faithful when it’s REALLY hard.

Give me a heart and mind focused on eternal things.

I’m praying others SEE YOU through me, even though I struggle…even though I question.
Redeem it, Lord, the sadness, the pain, the tears, the questions, the dirt and the ashes,
ALL of it.

And since I TRUST You WILL…

Help me as I wait for Your time!

Everything I Need
 

Where I'm at...What I'm LEARNING...Lament

Did I mention that I was reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card?! It has been so helpful for me to think through, process, and reconcile my emotions of grief with my faith.


I want to share some of his thoughts on Job. He addresses the questions about how Job is able to maintain his sanity and his faith through all the trials. Card says,

“By what means is he able to hold on to his hope, to his God, while the first notes of the song of this impossible completed equation begin to resonate? The answer: by means of the counterpoint of another song, the song of lament. Lament keeps the door open, keeps Job on the dance floor with God till the music is over, until the two tunes are resolved.”

The dissonance of the two converging “songs” comes from the contradiction between two different ways of thinking. Israel had this equation about how the world worked. If they kept the Torah then God would bless them, and conversely, if they broke His laws then God must punish them. Yet, at some point in history, questions arose in which this formula had no answers…i.e. Job. Even though he had been “righteous” he still suffered loss and illness. There is no simple equation like this to live by. If anybody should prosper from this equation, after all, it should be Job! Michael Card poses that idea that

“God was preparing His people for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

Job’s “frustrated outpouring allows him to stay in the ring while everyone on the sidelines shouts at him to throw in the towel. By the end of the book, I always imagine Job and God standing with their arms around each other like a couple of weary boxers. Job’s jaw is swollen. One of his eyes is black. He must keep one arm around his Opponent in order to remain upright. But he has a grin on his bloody face that comes from the knowledge that it was never about winning the fight. It had absolutely nothing to do with being right. It was always, only about being faithful. Job has survived the prescribed number of bouts. He has finished his race. His reward? Does he get his children back? No, he gets God back.”

Card then shares about Job’s response to each of his losses. He points out verse 20 of chapter 1. Job physically made the motions of mourning, tearing his rob and shaving his head. But...

“what he does next, however, is totally unexpected, even unimaginable. What he does…seems unthinkable, almost impossible.

‘Then he fell to the ground in worship.’

Job is the sort of man who will simply not let go of God. To him, this is what worship means. He will stubbornly cry out in the groaning of this lament, which is worship, until God answers…Job stubbornly insists on maintaining the dialogue with the God who, for a while longer, remains infuriatingly silent. He continues to offer up to Him all his suffering, his suicidal groaning, his confusion and hurt, even his own deep disappointment with God. He has come to the desperate understanding that there is no other place to take them but to God.”

STAY WITH ME…I know this post is long, but THERE’S MORE GOOD STUFF…

“Today we would ask Job to leave all these negative emotions at the church door. They are not appropriate to nor do they fit inside the narrow confines of our definition of worship. And so, likewise, those of us who have nothing else to offer but our laments find the door effectively closed in our faces. It cost Job everything to teach us this lesson. It is time we learned it.

Worship is not only about good feelings, joy, and prosperity, though they are at the heart of it. While Jesus would pronounce a blessing on those who mourn we pronounce this curse. Those who ‘labor and are heavy laden’ can find no place in our comfortable churches to lay their burdens. We reason, ‘Who could possibly conceive of a God who would want to receive such worthless empty offerings?’ But Job desperately clings to such a God, one who encourages us to offer everything to Him, every joy and every sorrow. All our broken hearts. All our contrite spirits. Because He is worth it.”

I guess what I’m realizing is that what I thought was a lack of faith and trust in God (my emotions of disappointment, betrayal, and anger directed at God, who chose not to ACT when he could have saved my babies) really isn't.  It is more like a boxing match. I can duke it out, while leaning on Him to keep from falling, and when I’m weary and exhausted from the fight…I’m still standing before the prize. So, I go back to Card’s earlier point… “God was preparing His people [You and Me] for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they [You and Me] had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job [You and Me] might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

So, I'm Learning...

to pour out my hurts,

my frustrations,

my brokenness,

and my disappointments before God as an offering...

He is the God who can and will...

make all things new, (Rev. 21:5)

give me a new song to sing, (Ps 40:3)

and who will give joy in the morning. (Ps 30:5b)

Beautiful Riddle

Matthew 13: 34-35


Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable. So was fulfilled what was spoken through the prophet:

“I will open my mouth in parables,

I will utter things hidden since the creation of the world.”


Beautiful Riddle


Emilie Alyse, what a mystery,
You, dear child, are a beautiful riddle.


You've left us here, left us with questions,
For you, sweet girl, are a beautiful riddle.


Even your name, Industrious and Noble,
Emilie Alyse, is a beautiful riddle.


Just like the disciples, we don’t understand this parable,
We need Jesus, little one, to explain this beautiful riddle.


We miss you so dearly, while we await the final answer,
To you, Precious Babe, and your beautiful riddle.


We love you, Emilie Alyse.
We love you, Beautiful Riddle. 

~Written by Uncle Kevin ~ April 2011

A Grief Moment

So today I'm having a Psalm 13:1-2 kind of day.

Let me explain.

This was part of the passage that our pastor shared at Emilie's Memorial Service. When we talked with him earlier in the week, he asked what verses had been a comfort to me. I shared that I could relate well to Psalm 13 and Psalm 40:1-4. So, he expounded on these passages and I wanted to share a little bit.

“ 1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide you face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

The first two verses David (who, by the way, experienced the loss of his baby boy) cries out in PROTEST. It just seems like God is absent, like He was not there on Wednesday when Emilie all but stopped moving. My faith, like David’s, expected God to not just be aware of what was going on, but to DO something about it. And because He didn’t, I/We ask “WHY?” I cry out, “You could have fixed this, God! We planned for her to come home…I was going to watch her grow up, watch her giggle with her brothers, smile when I saw her snuggle up in her daddy’s lap, bake cookies and snitch the dough, go shopping… this was my little GIRL, my beauty for ashes…WHY, GOD?”

I was encouraged as I reflected on David’s complaints…this was THE man after God’s own heart, after all. He had Faith! He expected God to be ACTIVE, and when it felt as though God was absent, he questioned. This was not a complaint out of faithlessness BUT because faith existed. David, Job, and even Jesus show us by example that prayers of complaint can also be prayers of faith. I’ve been reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and he says, “…Lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith – not a denial of it. It is supreme honesty before a God whom my faith tells me I can trust…Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world.”

In verses 3 & 4, David’s protest melts into PRAYER. David decides instead of continuing his complaint, He would as God for help. See, his faith never left, it just questioned, and that’s ok. God’s big enough for our questions! He realizes that God is our only resource, our hope. Despite his emptiness and confusion, David doesn’t stop pursuing God. He prays, “Consider me…Look at me…Be active in my heart.”

In verses 5 & 6, Prayer transitions to PRAISE. David remembers that God is Trustworthy. He has trusted in the past and knows/experienced God’s lovingkindness. It has been his rock in the past and so his heart will rejoice that this remains true - now and in the future. Like David and Job, we have wounds, marks, cuts, bruises, pains, and hemorrhages all over our soul, but it is not dead. We are broken but not destroyed. We plead for Him to show us His lovingkindness, and because we know He is faithful, we will sing again.


You know, I wish this process was quick, I wish it was a once-and-done kind of a thing, BUT IT’S NOT. Every day is different. I can be at the Praise phase and dissolve back to the Protest phase in mere seconds. I never know what will trigger the “Why’s” or the burning tears. So, I sit in a heap of ashes again and find myself fighting my way back through the Psalm 13 process…How long God?

Several things around the house have triggered tears lately…her room - the door closed; scratching some paint splatters off of the sink from when we cleaned out the brushes and roller; finding some plastic cups we bought months ago for grandmas house – a red, a blue, and…a pink one. There are constant reminders of having planned her into our family, into our future,

and we miss her...

...Terribly...

...and that's just how grief is...

...it rears it's ugly head at any time...

...it's unpredictable, and let me just vent a bit...I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! It's a road I'm intimately acquainted with, unfortunately, and I just wish I could jump to the other side where things are a bit more tidy, the tears are fewer, I see things more clearly, I can finish my sentences, and I can see a glimpse of some purpose in the pain.

But they don't call it the grief JOURNEY for nothing...and today,

I just don't like it!

Memorial Service

Memorial Service

for

Emilie Alyse Koning

Saturday, April 16

2:00 pm

Wallen Baptist Church

1001 W. Wallen Road

Fort Wayne, IN 46825



What happened?

Our hearts ache tonight.  For those of you who don't know or were confused by my last post...

Emilie Alyse Koning was stillborn.

We don't know why or what happened.

Wednesday afternoon/evening I was getting uneasy as I hadn't felt her move much.  She has been very active, so it was a bit troubling to this momma.  I mentioned it to Mike and I drank some pop with dinner.  It had been a busy day, so I keep talking myself down that I really wasn't paying that good of attention, I just needed to put my feet up or lay down because everything was going to be fine.  I debated back and forth whether I should call the doctor on call, or even pay the stinking co-pay and just go to the hospital to get checked out...KNOWING that the next morning I had a scheduled doctors appointment WITH an ultrasound.  I didn't want to be the paranoid mom.

Now remember, each visit the doctor/midwife would reassure me that everything was going perfectly.  I heard things like, "you've got a HAPPY baby", "you're doing so well!", "you know you really have to believe that everything is going to be fine this time!"  I had questions, and I'd share concerns, and time after time the doctor/midwife would tell me not to listen to any other voices than theirs...and EVERYTHING LOOKED FINE!

I didn't even call the office at 8 or 9 to see if I could get in earlier (my appointment was at 10:45), I just prayed everything would be alright and trusted that it WOULD be...everything is fine, I'm just over sensitive, right!

So, I left Mike at home to finish painting the last coat in the baby's room.  "After all, everything would be fine! I've done this lots of times!" I kept telling myself.  Mike had taken Trent and Drew to Grandma's house in MI Tuesday night for part of their Spring Break so we could have a few days to just relax before Emilie was to arrive.  (We were pretty set to induce the next weekend...like maybe the 15th)

When I got to the doctors office and told them I was a little concerned because Miss Emilie wasn't moving as much as normal, they were just as shocked as I was when they waved the u/s wand over my belly.  Our hopes and dreams for this baby were shattered...AGAIN!  I looked at the screen and knew right away my worst fear was now a reality...there was no sound and no heart PUMPING, no movement, NOTHING.  I said, "It's not beating!?!" The doctor whispered with a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry."  The rest is a bit of a blur.  I raised my hands up to my head and just cried, "No, no, no!"  The doctor grabbed the wand again and took another look...his words will haunt me..."there is no edema, it's probably only been a couple of hours."  That stung more deeply..."No, don't tell me that!" I said through my sobs.  "I can't believe this is happening...WHAT HAPPENED?"

The midwife came in and hugged me for a little while.  Then she moved me into another room...in the back of the office, brought me a box of tissue and a glass of water and left so I could call Mike.  The only words I could hold it together to say, "Mike, you need to come!"  I sat there in the dark room in unbelief, shocked, hardly able to catch my breath, scorching hot tears running down my cheeks.

Mike arrived and the doctor came in to make plans for the next step.  We agreed that we'd go home get some things packed and head back up to the hospital.  I wanted to see her as soon as possible, while she still looked as alive normal as possible.

She was born breech (so her head was perfectly round) after only about 4 pushes.  No problems with the cord or placenta...she looked perfect - inside and out.  Lots of dark hair, a cute little nose like Trent, long skinny legs, and a pinky toe that curls under just like mine.  She was beautiful!  I looked at her eyes later too...and was surprised not to see black, but the brightest blue.  Reminded me of the clearest bluest ocean.  So pretty!   No explanations, no obvious problems, no answers.  They'll do some blood work and test the placenta, but I don't think we'll ever really now what or why...and that's so hard to swallow!

I'll close for now...many more emotions and details are running through my head - some I may share farther down the road.

Know that we have not lost faith...we continue to cling to the HOPE that we have in the TRUTH that we believe!  We have not LOST her... we do know she is in the arms of Jesus.  The reality is that our hearts are broken, no, more like shattered...I really want her in MY arms...we're sitting in a heap of ashes and it's not pretty... it's really hard to see any beauty from here.  BUT we do believe in THE God that sustains, draws near, is acquainted with grief - a man of sorrows- and who is moved by our tears!

You have no idea how sorry we are to take you on yet another grief journey.  We are not naive to think we travel alone.  Your friendship, love, and prayer have meant SO much more than we could ever express!  You have been a true example, especially to our boys, of Galatians 6:2.  "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."

Thank you for loving Him enough to sit in Our ashes!!
Kristin

Behind the Name

Those of you who where curious…who asked…know that Mike and I had a hard time finding a name we both really liked. Even at the hospital I found myself looking at him and saying, “I think we’re going to go with…” When Emilie was born Mike said whatever you want…you decide. He favored her middle name more for the first name, but I couldn’t come up with a middle name I really liked. So for lack of time and any other options, really, Emilie Alyse stuck. I want to share with you about her name. I’ve always enjoyed researching the meanings and I wanted her name to “mean” something too. Although I wasn’t thrilled with the meaning of Emilie (industrious) it was the one name Mike and I agreed on. Alyse (noble) was a little better and when I put together and heard it flow, I just liked it. We talked with the boys about what her nickname could be and they both approved calling her Emi for short.

And of course I went back and forth (usually while lying in bed, wishing my mind would stop going, and I would just fall asleep) about how to spell her name. I wanted it to be unique – I liked Emilie with and –ie, because when I look at it, it reminds me of “Smile” and I thought that would always be a good reminder for me. I chose Alyse (common spelling = Elise) with an “A” more because I didn’t want her initials to spell “Eek!” I know, right, I spent way too much time obsessing about the possibilities!

I really wanted to tie a spiritual meaning into her name since we didn’t choose a “biblical” name. I began thinking about what my prayer for our daughter would be. I thought industrious/noble…and thought humble servant, servant of Christ…that’s what I want my daughter to be! When I was clearing out the office room to make room for all the baby stuff, I picked up this big oversized pillow/bean bag my very first class of 4th graders made for me. Each student put there handprint on it and on the back one of the moms wrote out Ecc. 9:10 – which was the verse from the bulletin board I made for the beginning of the year. It says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” Solomon reminds us here that we must grasp life’s opportunities and use them to the fullest in serving God. It was an “Ah, ha” moment – Yes, that’s it, that’s her name.

And I prayed…

“Lord,

Whatever Emilie’s hand finds to do, help her to do it with all her might – for YOU!”

“EMILIE ALYSE KONING”
  Born still
April 7, 2011
4:40pm
4lbs 6oz, 19 1/2in

Quick Baby Update...

It's been a while...I guess I'm going with "No news is Good News!"  Last week at my check up I was anxious/nervous to see if "Baby K" had turned.  She was transverse...enjoying laying sideways across my belly.  The midwife was excited to tell me she TURNED...head down!!  Needless to say, this momma was very happy!  I'm "measuring fine" and baby was happy with a heart rate of 148.  I could never tire of listening to baby's heartbeat...especially since Joanna's was so hard to find, masked under mine, and then just so slow.

I get a small lecture from the midwife each visit about how well this pregnancy is going and that I really can/need to believe that everything is going to be fine.  Most days, I'm totally on board and very excited...it's just that I know too much (of the what can happen's) for me to totally breathe a sigh of relief that everything will be fine.  So, in the meantime, I'm trusting daily that God's plan and timing is perfect...can't wait to meet this little girl!!

I go to see the doctor on Thursday and should be getting a final ultrasound!  Looking forward to one last peek on the black and white screen...will never tire of this pretty profile either...

I'm also looking forward to a couple days of independence...perhaps a pedicure...  Grandma is taking Trent and Drew for a few days of their Spring Break.  Mike and I will add a fresh coat of paint to the office/baby room...mostly because of Drew's lovely black scribbles that grace the off-white walls.  I look forward to my last days of SLEEPING IN...and a much overdue DATE NIGHT with Mike!!

Life is about to get really hectic here in a couple weeks :)  Can't wait...

Nesting?

...Nesting?...Um, yeah...IT HAS BEGUN!

I haven't made any blankets this time...instead, I'm stuck on...

HATS!

I tried a pattern I found here.  I liked the little bobbles!  CUTE!  UNIQUE! Can't wait to try this one out on my little GIRL!

I also tried crocheting a cocoon...I just used some yarn I had on hand, but I'm planing to make another one...variegated brown, along with a hat with little bear ears and pink ribbons...can't wait!!  I spent an afternoon drooling totally inspired by the creativity of the hats/cocoons I found on etsy...WOW!

Soon, of course, I'll be breaking out the sewing machine to make these peanut shaped burp cloths!  I've stocked up on some fun, pretty, girly, flannel.  I made these for Jen's little girl Evie...thus the "e."

I'll have to save a few back to make later, so I can do a "letter" too.  No news on the name front...I have one I like/keep coming back to, but nothing set in stone yet, having a hard time with a middle name.  We'll most likely keep her name a surprise anyway :)  So, you'll have to wait, oh...11 more weeks or so!!

A Milestone

This last week I made it to 27 weeks.  Lots of emotions as I thought about/compared my pregnancy now with Joanna's - the last week I carried her.  So many memories...

I'm thoroughly enjoying feeling Baby K move and kick, not so much the heartburn, but I'll take it.  Can't wait to see what SHE will look like.  Trent and Drew have indulged me by walking throughout the baby sections of whatever store we happen to be in.  I got a 10 dollar reward from JCPenny and I thought it would be fun to see if we could find a good deal...preferably free.  I haven't allowed myself to buy anything for her yet!  When I commented to Drew that there were just too many outfits to choose from...he gladly took over and picked out a cute outfit set for his sister and it only cost $2!!

I also received my copy of the book A Gift of Time.  Not quite a year after Noah was born I saw on the Perinatal Hospice website that two ladies were asking for submissions to help write this book.  I sent in Noah's story, answering various questions they supplied on a questionnaire.  So, Tuesday I sat on the couch - 3 years later - and just cried as I read several of my very own quotes...bringing me back to those very moments...emotions so raw.  So thankful that Noah's legacy will continue to touch the lives of families that are going through similar situations even now.  I trust this will be a great resource for families to read when given their own devastating diagnosis.  I'll be saving up to get a few copies to give to my doctors office!!  You can read a few excerpts on amazon.com, just click on the book cover.

After the boy's b-ball games, Mike helped me clear out our catch all/office/craft/computer room.  We set up the crib our friend gave us (thanks Ian for moving to your big boy bed!).  One of about the only things that didn't sell at our garage sale was the baby bedding.  So, I just got that out too.  The other half of the room will continue to house my office and the boy's desk/computer.  I organized the closet floor to ceiling with all my craft stuff.  So, needless to say, I'm glad to get this part done while I'm still feeling good.  Want a peek of the work in progress?

WE'RE HAVING...

Mike and I went into the doctor just before Thanksgiving.  We not only got to see the baby and be reassured that she is growing healthy, we found out that we are having a GIRL!!!!  I'm excited to have a daughter, but a little nervous.  As Mike and I were talking I ask him, "So what are you thinking?  Are you excited?"  He says something to the effect of, "So, when you're gone, I'm gonna have to do her hair??!!??"  I laughed, "That's what your thinking about?"  I love this little profile...

In SHOCK and AWE...

For the last 15 weeks our family has been praying for someone special. The emotions of it all lead to our choice not to share the news publicly...yet. The waiting can be excruciating, and as a mom especially, I felt like I needed to be the protector and guardian until we had more information.

After we lost Noah, we were so excited to be expecting again, and it was devastating to find out, and then have to share, that we would be loosing Joanna too. We just felt so confident that we wouldn’t have to face another loss. Needless to say, we learned that no one gets a free pass when it comes to the struggles and pain of this life.

So this past August when we found out that God had blessed us with another pregnancy, we felt both excited and apprehensive. “Are we really that crazy – to try AGAIN?” I came to a very hard crossroads this last spring and decided I needed to make a choice…to release what control I still thought I had on what I thought my family would be…my dreams, my expectations. It was hard not knowing what the future would hold for the Konings. Could I really spend anymore time wishing for what was lost?  Wishing for more. Could I just be truly grateful for the two amazing boys God has given me? Do I continue to stay home? Do I pursue a full time job? How do I best serve my family? How do I go on, what’s the next thing for me, if we are done having children? It all came to a head when Mike we decided it would be a great idea to have a garage sale and get rid of the baby stuff that sat collecting much dust in the attic. This seemed like an easy decision logically, but it was very emotional for me. Attached were the memories of Trent and Drew using them, yes, but then on top of that were the emotions of the dreams and memories I never got to have with Noah and Joanna, or would/could have with any more babies. Was this REALLY my life? Reality sets in, and friends, it can be brutal sometimes. But I survived, and it really was a process - of relinquishment - that I needed to go through.

Back to August…well, September when I finally got an appointment with the doctor (at 11 weeks, but they thought more like 10). Without me even having to ask, the doctor said he’d get me back to ultrasound and we’d see how things were progressing. We heard a very strong heartbeat that morning, 176. We had crossed the “Joanna hurdle”, but knew it’d be too early to tell about Meckel-Gruber (I was 15 weeks when we found out there were problems with Noah). So, overall it was a good day, but we were by no means out of the woods. I had some emotional days in the next few weeks, thinking of all the “little” things that could go wrong, not allowing myself to get too attached or too excited…just waiting and bracing myself for the bad news to come.

Four more weeks I waited to see the perinatologist, four weeks we waited to see if we could leap the “Noah hurdle” too. Could we even think of having a healthy baby? I questioned in all sincerity, I’m not being overly dramatic here…if you’ve ever lost a baby…then you get it!

You know, after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I thought I’d be more excited…I think I’ve just met so many moms who have lost babies in various ways and stages that I’m not too naive to think we’ll ever be out of the woods. Like I said earlier…no one gets a free pass. Maybe I’m sharing too much, I sound like such a pessimist, but this is what I’m feeling…no sugar coating! It’s like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the doctors to say “oh wait, we found something.” It will just take time to process, I think. And no matter what, I DO genuinely believe God is Good.

So yesterday, the u/s tech confirmed, with measurements, a due date of April 28. She got a strong heartbeat again. Though she didn’t give me the #, we commented that it wasn’t 75 (like Joanna) and she gave us a nod. They will check the heart again more thoroughly in four weeks. Baby was just too small to be able to see clearly. I asked specifically if there were any signs of M.-G. - a fluid sac- (like Noah) and she shared that everything was measuring good, no obvious signs of anything wrong, and that they'd look at the spinal cord and kidneys closely next time. The doctor said there was no need to come in “with my heart in my mouth,” (a new phrase to me, but I think I got the gist of what he was trying to say) but that he wanted to check everything again in four weeks before he “was willing to sign off on me” and allow me to go back to my regular OB doctor.

ALL THIS TO SAY, we think we may be carrying a HEALTHY, 3 oz, 14 ½ week old BABY KONING.

And the BIG brothers couldn’t be more excited,

the Grandparents couldn’t be more excited,

Mom and Dad are still in shock and awe…

letting the possibility sink in…

but yes, we are excited too!

We are thankful for the gracious blessing God has granted me to carry for a time…and we longingly await meeting and holding this precious gift from above!!