Our Times in His Hands...

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ps 31:14-15a

Yep, that about SUMS IT UP!

His “Plan A” all along.

Yes.

Haven’t had the eloquence of word flow lately, just processing lots in this crazy mixed-up head.

Tears.

Joy.

Grief.

Hope.

Trust.

Gifts.

Sorrow.

Goodness.

Thankfulness.

Purpose.

Response.

So when God throws a curve ball –a change up- across my home plate, when I completely expected the straight strike, I haven’t had much time to think…just swing…and trust that my training kicks in. I hope that in the training, I’ve conditioned my muscle’s memory, that my response is fluid, natural, involuntary.

We have been tested, sure.

How much is too much? Can my faith hold…again?

Yes!

Fear?

Yes.

Hope?

Yes.

Trust?

Yes.

Lots of Prayer.

Back in October, Halloween to be exact, Mike and I learned some news that would stretch and grow us. We were surprised, scared, happy, confused, and needless to say emotional. I couldn’t believe it. The little stick read POSITIVE.

Could this REALLY be happening?

I was so confident so sure that our family was complete when I was expecting Emilie. People had told me “you will KNOW when you are done.”

And, while I was pregnant, I felt D-O-N-E!

But my heart began to change as I sat there on the hospital bed last April…holding the cold body of my baby girl…my beauty for ashes…

Could I be done? Could I be content with this? Was that it for our family?

Confusion.

Yes.

I turned it over to the Lord. I couldn’t make that decision.

If it was His plan for our family to not have any more children, then He would close up my womb…shut me down…and I was OK with that.

(You See, from some comments we’ve gotten, our culture thinks WE control this, that Mike and I need a reminder from our doctor on how this baby thing “happens.” But, NO child is created apart from God’s Hand!! He is in complete control! It’s not just OUR trying, I have enough friends that try and try and still have empty arms. Ok, stepping down now…)

So, to our amazement, just 6 months after I sat on that hospital bed holding my precious Emilie, God began knitting together a new life in me. With each of our other pregnancies it took at least a year to get pregnant, so we weren’t exactly expecting this to happen…now… But, I have peace…PEACE in the fact that this is HIS PLAN, HIS TIMING.

I have not been overwhelmed with fear or worry. His Grace!!

Grace.

Yes.

Not that I don’t have days, but as I REMEMBER His faithfulness and goodness, I give my worries to Him and choose to TRUST. Choose to be thankful in the small. Choose to recognize his daily grace. Choose Joy.

Choose.

Yes.

Thankful His shoulders can bear much more than mine!

I’ve seen the doctor about 4 times with ultrasounds each visit. Everything continues to look perfect. Today was my 19 week visit. They took their time looking over every detail of our baby. Measuring…head, abdomen, femur…all 9 ounces of HER. Identifying parts of the brain, chambers of the heart, spine, kidneys, fingers and toes, and the umbilical cord’s 3 arteries/vein. Each precious part knit together as God Himself intended.

Our baby GIRL is wonderfully made.

Yes, just like each one of her siblings.

I swallowed hard -laying there- as the “baby girl” realization hits. “Everything looks perfect,” I hear them say. My mind races back to the moment I hear those same words while expecting Emilie, week after week up until week 37 when I see on the screen that her heart had stopped beating and after receiving the test results months after her body lay in the ground. No explanations…everything looked “perfect.” I thought to myself, “Really? One more detail I have to trust you with, Lord? But, but…I can deliver healthy boys?!”

“WHY’s?”

Yes.

But…I choose to TRUST again…

He already KNOWS the outcome…He’s with us each step of the way…

However, this trusting thing will be a constant battle of heart and mind, I’m sure…until she’s CRYING in my arms.

Trent and Drew are SO, SO excited! They bolted in the door after school and asked “Boy or Girl, Mom?” I get out the ultrasound pics and show them the black and white type “girl!” Drew said, “That’s what I’ve been praying!” Trent asks, “And she’s healthy?”

Yes.

They just laugh with excitement!

Laugh.

Yes.

Trust.

Yes.

We’ve been reading with them from The Jesus Story Book Bible. I just love the repetitive description of God’s love for us despite our doubting, our failing, our unbelief, no matter what, time after time, over and over again…God loves us with a “Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.”

Let’s all Trust Him…after all, All of our times are in His Hands.

“In [His] hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.” –Job 12:10

How to Pray for Grieving Parents

Many of you have asked specifically how you can pray for us...so I put a list together.  I hope this gives you some ideas.  We are so THANKFUL for your prayers!!  We know that God is pouring out His grace on our family.  He is kind and generous to meet our every need - and then some!  Thank you for helping to carry our burdens, and sit and get dirty with us in these ashes!

A friend shared a list of what she is praying for us…

 Pray…

• That God would be our refuge. (unshakable trust) Ps 11:1
• That God’s love and presence surround us day and night. Rom 8:38-39
• That God’s strength would help us through the grieving process. Ps 27:13-14, 29:11
• That we will accept God’s wisdom, knowledge, judgments (decisions), and ways rather than ask “why.” Rom 11:33, Prov. 3:5-6, Is. 55:8-9 (That I wouldn’t obsess with the “what if’s.” The doctors could find NO medical reason as to why Emilie died; she was perfect in every way. This is hard to understand, but I must accept the mystery and trust that God knew the exact number of her days, that He is still on “plan A”, and no matter what I think I could have done to change the outcome – this was no mistake.)
• That we will not doubt God’s goodness or faithfulness. Rom. 8:28-29
• That guilt and depression will not overtake us. Phil 4:8
• That our marriage will be strengthened as we grieve uniquely. That we’d give each other the freedom to grieve differently. That communication will remain open and honest.
• That they will balance grief with their responsibilities as parents. (purposeful and consistent in love and discipline)
• For mom’s physical health - recovery from giving birth and restful sleep.
• That our boys would be protected during this confusing time as mom and dad grieve, and that they might have a sense of normalcy and security.
• That, in time, relationships with other moms (especially those who have daughters) be restored.

Some other things I thought of to pray for…


• That we would not feel alone, but sense God’s presence, and lean on the Holy Spirit as our Helper and Comforter and Truth.


• That we would experience His peace like never before, and grace sufficient for each day/minute.


• That the Lord would guard our hearts from words that hurt instead of comfort.

 

• For wisdom to discern “what to do next” and know “where to go from here.”

• That we could begin to see His plan…a mere glimpse of the purpose of our pain…for the third time.

• That we choose to be gracious and kind to each other instead of justifying criticism and frustration when we are hurting and sad.

• That we’ll be honest with our emotions and won’t be afraid to cry. (I wish I could just jump to the other side of the grief – been there done that, after all – but we must go THROUGH it. The process can be daunting.)

• That we would not waiver in our trust, hope, or joy in our sovereign Heavenly Father, nor would we lose our praise even through the tears.

• Even though life goes on (much more quickly for everyone else) that we know/trust God is with us right where we are. Remembering that He hears our cry and sees our tears.

• That we’d always be mindful of the hope of heaven. That we’d be eternally focused and not be comfortable to get caught up in the “stuff” of this world.

• That our family will overcome the spiritual battles; that Satan would fail in his plans to harm us because we continue (through His strength) to cling to Christ.


• That through our loss, because of our children Noah, Joanna, and Emilie, people will see the need for a personal relationship with God.


• That in time we can comfort others with the comfort that we received.

• That we would not hold tight fisted “our” children or “our” things. That we see them as gifts entrusted to our care for the time being.

A Grief Moment

So today I'm having a Psalm 13:1-2 kind of day.

Let me explain.

This was part of the passage that our pastor shared at Emilie's Memorial Service. When we talked with him earlier in the week, he asked what verses had been a comfort to me. I shared that I could relate well to Psalm 13 and Psalm 40:1-4. So, he expounded on these passages and I wanted to share a little bit.

“ 1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide you face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

The first two verses David (who, by the way, experienced the loss of his baby boy) cries out in PROTEST. It just seems like God is absent, like He was not there on Wednesday when Emilie all but stopped moving. My faith, like David’s, expected God to not just be aware of what was going on, but to DO something about it. And because He didn’t, I/We ask “WHY?” I cry out, “You could have fixed this, God! We planned for her to come home…I was going to watch her grow up, watch her giggle with her brothers, smile when I saw her snuggle up in her daddy’s lap, bake cookies and snitch the dough, go shopping… this was my little GIRL, my beauty for ashes…WHY, GOD?”

I was encouraged as I reflected on David’s complaints…this was THE man after God’s own heart, after all. He had Faith! He expected God to be ACTIVE, and when it felt as though God was absent, he questioned. This was not a complaint out of faithlessness BUT because faith existed. David, Job, and even Jesus show us by example that prayers of complaint can also be prayers of faith. I’ve been reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and he says, “…Lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith – not a denial of it. It is supreme honesty before a God whom my faith tells me I can trust…Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world.”

In verses 3 & 4, David’s protest melts into PRAYER. David decides instead of continuing his complaint, He would as God for help. See, his faith never left, it just questioned, and that’s ok. God’s big enough for our questions! He realizes that God is our only resource, our hope. Despite his emptiness and confusion, David doesn’t stop pursuing God. He prays, “Consider me…Look at me…Be active in my heart.”

In verses 5 & 6, Prayer transitions to PRAISE. David remembers that God is Trustworthy. He has trusted in the past and knows/experienced God’s lovingkindness. It has been his rock in the past and so his heart will rejoice that this remains true - now and in the future. Like David and Job, we have wounds, marks, cuts, bruises, pains, and hemorrhages all over our soul, but it is not dead. We are broken but not destroyed. We plead for Him to show us His lovingkindness, and because we know He is faithful, we will sing again.


You know, I wish this process was quick, I wish it was a once-and-done kind of a thing, BUT IT’S NOT. Every day is different. I can be at the Praise phase and dissolve back to the Protest phase in mere seconds. I never know what will trigger the “Why’s” or the burning tears. So, I sit in a heap of ashes again and find myself fighting my way back through the Psalm 13 process…How long God?

Several things around the house have triggered tears lately…her room - the door closed; scratching some paint splatters off of the sink from when we cleaned out the brushes and roller; finding some plastic cups we bought months ago for grandmas house – a red, a blue, and…a pink one. There are constant reminders of having planned her into our family, into our future,

and we miss her...

...Terribly...

...and that's just how grief is...

...it rears it's ugly head at any time...

...it's unpredictable, and let me just vent a bit...I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! It's a road I'm intimately acquainted with, unfortunately, and I just wish I could jump to the other side where things are a bit more tidy, the tears are fewer, I see things more clearly, I can finish my sentences, and I can see a glimpse of some purpose in the pain.

But they don't call it the grief JOURNEY for nothing...and today,

I just don't like it!

Wrapped in His Love: Soul Spa

I had the privilege of helping plan a women's event at the church we attend.  The ladies on the committee had loads of fun preparing and the whole day was such a blessing!!  Our theme for the day came from Psalm 62:1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him."  Three ladies shared circumstances in their life when they sensed the loving arms of their Heavenly Father wrap around them, comfort them, and give them peace beyond comprehension. They shared how their faith was strengthened.  I (and I can probably speak for all the ladies in attendance) left encouraged, strengthened, refreshed, inspired to keep on keeping on, and so thankful that amidst life's chaotic busy-ness and trials we can find peace and rest in a God who walks beside us.

A Prayer Today...

The sun is shining today and I'm loving it!  Although I must admit I went back to bed after I got Trent on the bus!  I'm tired...emotionally.  I've had some heavy things weighing me down the last few weeks and I want to share what encouraged me this morning...a prayer.

I've been going through a ladies bible study at church that has been very challenging, but VERY GOOD!  I Really Want to Change...so, Help Me God.  It is written by James MacDonald.  This morning I was looking at his website and found a prayer he posted on his blog on March 15th, 2010.

"This prayer stands the test of time for me. I trust it will meet you where you are in your walk with Christ on this Monday. . . [This] prayer I pray in some way almost every single day. When I don’t, I wish I had. Pray with me today . . .

Ephesians 5:18, “Be filled with the Spirit.”

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. I can’t fix yesterday, and tomorrow seems a long way off.

Today, Lord: Cleanse my heart from the fleshly residue of yesterday’s fallen humanity.

Today, Lord: Scrub my thoughts and motives till they shine with singularity – wanting Your glory alone.

Today, Lord: Wash me and I will be whiter than snow, purposed afresh to follow Your footsteps.


Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. The tasks ahead are too much. If I must go alone, I cannot go at all.

Today, Lord: I’m not smart enough to know what is best, and not strong enough to choose what is righteous.

Today, Lord: My wife, my family, my friends, my church . . . I am not sufficient for these things, and I know it.

Today, Lord: Or what unfolds in the hours ahead will fade into the abyss of worthless, wasted time.


Lord, fill me with Your Spirit right now. Come, make these 24 hours all You created them to be.

Now, Lord: You know how to ‘give good gifts’ and I am so thankful to be called Your child.

Now, Lord: By faith, I receive the Presence You’ve promised, and delight to know that Your Word is true.

Now, Lord: You are filling my life with peace and purpose and freeing my soul to sing.

Galatians 5:16, 22, Walk then in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the desires of your flesh. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self control.”

Friends, I hope you are encouraged, your day is filled with sunshine, and your soul is free to sing!

Nestled in Peace...

When I returned home from Iowa, Mike said the cemetery had called to let us know that Joanna's headstone had been placed. So, on Tuesday - the first day of fall - the boys and I took some flowers to the cemetery.

"May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way."

II Thess 3:16

Quick Update on our baby girl...

Last night my computer decided to "get sick." I'm looking at 3/4 of a blurry screen(so forgive any typos!) that is only turquise and yellow and green! Hopefully it's something we can get fixed quickly, but I'm frustrated by the timing!

Anyways, I just got back from a pretty uneventful trip to the doctor. I started by letting him know I regularly feel her move and that it surprises me that she moves so actively likeI remember with my other kids. He didn't really say anything. While taking a look, he said it was hard to get a reading on the heart rate because sometimes it beats steady and others its very abnormal, so he guessed that it averages out to be about 60 bpm. He looked at and measured the head (she is head down now) and the leg and said she is measuring "right on." He said, "I can't tell you she looks any worse than last week, if not better." So he left it up to me as to when I come in, "he's just along for the ride." He's said this before and I have to wonder what he's thinking about this ride in that intellectual head...how and why this is happening! I told him a lot of people were praying with me that she would hold on for at least another week while my mom was out of the country. As he walked out he smiled and said, "All you have to do is look at my stock portfolio to see how I am at predicting..." He laughed to himself and shook his head as he leaft the room. I'm scheduled to go back in next Thursday, meanwhile we'll continue to take one day at a time and I'll enjoy all the kicks.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family. We can't thank you enough for helping us carry this burden!

"Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation." -Is. 12:2

A thought...

This is a reminder to me more than anything else! I like real life scenes along with scripture. (Drew was "playing" goalie here, but the ball was at the other end the entire time. He got tired and bored and decided to sit down, take a rest, and wait for the ball to come to him.)

Though we didn't encourage his efforts here in this instance, it reminded me that sometimes when my life seems chaotic and overwhelming, I just need to STOP and SIT and WAIT for the LORD, knowing He is in CONTROL.

20 weeks + 2 days

I headed to the doctors office again this morning with 2 boys in tow. Mike met us there and they enjoyed an old Superman cartoon in the waiting room. Words are hard to find today...it's mostly been tears and lots of dialog with the Lord...I'm weary.

I wish it was easier to trust...His plan, His timing, His ways, His purpose; trying to reconcile my daughters life and purpose, my pain, my fear, my tears.

As I wander down my hallway, I stop and often stare at the reminders I made and hung shortly after we said goodbye to Noah.

It's hard to believe we are wandering through this Valley of Weeping yet again...not that I thought we'd have an automatic pass telling us to move directly to "GO, collecting $200" after Noah either. But it's hard to walk this same road, that of losing my child. What more do I need to learn? What didn't I "get" through my thick head the first time? Is it something about myself that I need to examine, or is it so that the works of God may be displayed through [her] (John 9:1-3)? I don't know - I won't know on this side of heaven, and I'm trying to just be ok with that. His grace is sufficient for each moment, each day, each week. I follow a blog by Angie, the wife of Todd Smith - the lead singer for Selah, and she hit the nail on the head here.

Angie writes..."Several people have written me over the months and they have asked me this question in many different ways. 'Do you believe that God was responsible for taking your baby? How can you love a God Who would do that?' Here is my answer.
I don't know why she is gone, but I do know Who had the final say. And it wasn't the snake.
And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. "

I am willfully unconcerned with why. I can say most days, I feel this way- His grace allows me to say this. I just wish I could say this everyday with certainty! It's hard when I'm weary of walking this road.

Dr. W counted her heart rate at 47bpm today. He showed me the entirety of her profile on the screen...I saw a large black abdomen - fluid just completely surrounding everything. I can't believe that I can feel her move with such force sometimes...I imagined she'd be lethargic with such a slow heart. He said, "I know I've been wrong and haven't predicted a time frame the last couple of weeks, but I don't think by next week we'll have a heartbeat."

I'm weary...of this roller coaster. Physically watching my belly grow, and emotionally as our bond grows - it weighs heavy. The wondering and the waiting - it drains me. Thank you for praying us through this gap. Some days I haven't the words.

Please continue to pray for peace and rest as we wait. My mom and two brothers will be traveling to Israel for an amazing trip through the Holy Land beginning next week. I'm trusting that the Lord will work out the timing of our daughters arrival and my families travels. He knows my desires and so I'll lay them down at His feet and trust that His plan is perfect. (I just wish I could have a sneak peak, to see how it all works out.)

I look forward to the transformation of our Valley into Refreshing Springs...I know He is faithful to see us through.

With Love and Gratitude to our Saviour and our Friends,

The Konings

Watching and Waiting...

Monday I did go in to have a check-up, it was more of the same, so I didn't post anything. The heart rate was 55 bpm and fluid was obviously building up in the abdomen and around the heart. He asked me to come back in Wednesday.

Some of you know, my mom rented a fetal doppler for me. It has been so nice to pick it up whenever and try to find the baby's heartbeat here at home. I was a little nervous (before I could really feel the baby move) that I wouldn't know when/if she died. So this has been such a "peace of mind" thing for me. FYI- I've been feeling her move a lot lately...most of all when I was having my pedicure...guess she's destined to be a girlie girl!

So all that to say, Wednesday morning after I got up, I checked to find a heartbeat and I found one...50 bpm. I called the office and asked if I really needed to come in, and the nurse said not Wednesday, but definitely before the end of the week. I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday -so I decided that would be a good time.This morning, I walked into the office confident, having already found the heartbeat this morning. Sure enough as I looked at the screen and saw the pulsing white blob, the doctor said, "I know you weren't born yesterday." He really has no explanation (medically) as to why our baby girl is still alive. (though we know - like Job - that God holds "the life of every living thing, and breath of all mankind." Job 12:10 He is revealing Himself through our little girl.

Our doctor explained more about why the heart is not working. There is a large opening between the left and right ventricle and it is filled with fluid. The right ventricle "knows" to pump without the command/impulse from the 'atrial septal' (I think that's what he called it) This impulse is only getting through 1 out of 7 beats - so it's pretty ineffective! I asked about any other abnormalities especially the head and the presence of fluid. He said, "It looks better than before." He also prefaced this by saying, "I don't want you to get your hopes up, I can tell you this because of how you've been handling everything so maturely, the outcome will be the same as 2 years ago, but the heart actually looks better than Monday. It was swimming in fluid Monday and today it's just not." He also said he's, "done making predictions, but he wouldn't be surprised if come June baby was still ticking." Wow that's different than what we've been hearing these last 2-4 weeks -doc just trying to predict when her heart WOULD NOT be beating.

He also mentioned that he thought our girl had Trisomy 13...I'm not totally convinced yet because he hasn't given any other indication as to other abnormalities, so he's just going on the heart issues. I'll have to research this a little bit more. Who knows! But like he said earlier Trisomy 13, like Noah's Meckel-Gruber, is fatal. He said he'd see me next Wednesday. After he left the room, I looked at Mike and my nurse and I just laughed. What is the Lord up to?? The nurse looked at me and shared, "You're really messing with him! He's stumped!"

I've been so prepared to have to say goodbye this last week, that it's nice to think I could have another week to enjoy being pregnant and feeling my little girl twist and turn and kick within me. Again, thank you for praying!!

Just because...I finally decided to just go and buy some yarn to make a blanket. I've wanted to for a couple weeks, but just thought I wouldn't have time to actually finish it. So, I started it last night and I got a fair bit done :) Something special for my little girl. Made with love and prayers by her mama.

And then last night, after the kids were "in bed" (remind me to post a "Not Me" Monday post about this) some friends came over to plant a pink lily they had bought for our little girl. It's beautiful and it was such a thoughtful expression of love for our family. I'm excited that it has lots of buds, so we can enjoy lots of flowers in the weeks ahead :)

Many of you have asked about a name...we would share, but we haven't decided yet. I've been scouring a couple books I checked out of the library :) Mike and I both would like to find a name with a special meaning...so you'll just have to wait...

Micah 7:7 "But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me."

Reflecting

As I was driving in the car this weekend, I was challenged by my kids' music. See, I listened to these same songs -well tapes- when I was little and jumped at the chance to buy them on sale in the Cedarville University bookstore a couple years ago. The truths I learned from Steve Green, as a kid, I'm excited to pass on to my kids. But this weekend I heard them in a new light as I continue to filter everything through this new trial we face. I just wanted to share something little that has encouraged my heart! These songs - straight from Scripture - I want my boys to learn, so they are "hidden in their heart" and can lean on the TRUTH when they face struggles of their own.

I must admit I don't always FEEL like God is there or knows what He's really doing. BUT, the Word I have hidden in my heart challenges these thoughts/lies. I'm so thankful God has preserved the Bible all these years, and because I believe every word is true, I KNOW that He truly IS in control, He's knit this little girl in my womb, His ways are perfect, and He will stick closer to me than a brother! I also had to smile when I listened to "A Joyful Heart is Good Medicine" from Proverbs 17:22.

***Update*** I tried to figure out how to attach the songs, but I can't. Oh well. You can listen to all of the songs in full length on Rhapsody.com. Click here to go there.

Ultra sound Update

How do we begin…where do we go from here? I can tell you that after Noah died I felt a peace about having more children…that God would not allow us to go through this again…well, in some respects that is true, but the heartache we feel today is the same as the day we learned about Noah’s problems. Our baby girl (the doctor said, "I think were pink" anyway) does NOT have Meckel-Gruber syndrome. In fact, the specialist said that if we did an amniocentesis we’d probably find all the chromosomes normal. So although we are not walking down the exact same path, we find ourselves on a different path that leads to the same end. Our baby girl is in heart failure. Those words that stung my ears, seemingly out of the blue two weeks ago (that “your baby is not in heart failure”), are indeed what I feared and prayed so hard not to be true today.
What the doctor saw this morning was fluid building up in the belly and liver, a very irregular heartbeat, and a heart rate of 75. (Half the normal rate of 150) Signs are pointing to the heart not working/pumping like it should. As the baby grows the demands on the heart only increase and so the doctor told us that it would be likely that when I go back in two weeks there would not be a heartbeat.
I was “prepared” for a Meckel-Gruber diagnosis and was relieved that no symptoms seemed to be present during the previous ultra sounds. I was so NOT prepared to hear that my baby really would not survive another couple of weeks.

Lord, I’ve been here before, I thought I learned a whole lot from Noah…what are you doing now? This is not supposed to happen, right? I know in my head of your faithfulness, your truth, but help my heart to fall in line with my head! I know that the road of bitterness is not for me, so instead- I choose to trust, but it is just so hard. I will cherish the time I have with my daughter now, thought things would be different…you know maybe ponytails, and ribbons, and dolls, and shopping, and long conversations over the phone or coffee…

I asked the doctor how common this heart failure is for babies, I was surprised to hear 1 out of 500. He said I’m unique because we don’t usually see patients for u/s at 11 weeks and so we’ve seen the progression. Normally we’d have a mom come in around 18 weeks for her u/s and just find no heartbeat. He said,” it’s like you got hit by a bus and a golf ball at the same time.” (At least he toned down his example a bit from the Potter’s experience and said golf ball instead of ‘shot in the back’)!

He did say some kind words to me as well, which Jen and I specifically prayed for as I drove to my appointment. He asked Mike if I “was ‘always like this’ understanding that our culture doesn’t handle these diagnosis’ or outcomes with grace. Most people throw their heads back in a Job like moment and ask 'Why me!?'” Mike then said, “we don’t what anyone to lose the message.” The doctor said, “I get the message, you’ve helped me see things differently. I learn more from my patients that they learn from me sometimes.” WOW was all I was thinking…maybe we are making a small impact on how he sees life and the value of it in this world.

He said more than once, “I’m so glad you have two children at home.” Yes, we are extremely thankful for the two children God has given us to raise, but we will always remember the two other children He’s given to us, me especially to carry, for just a short while. They can never be replaced – each unique and special, made in His image. Don’t know the why’s, but we know and trust that His ways are Higher than ours and His ways are Perfect.

“Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Psalm 61:1-4

Thank you for your love and support. Words can not express our gratitude and the encouragement that they give. Continue to pray for us, and the baby…we know the reality, but we also believe in a God who can work miracles.

Sunsets...

This is just one of the beautiful sunsets we've enjoyed while eating dinner in our dining room. The beauty of nature makes it easy to talk to our boys about the awesomeness of God's creation. Talking of and living out our relationship with Christ, in front of our kids, can be an overwhelming task at times. I'm thankful for the "small" opportunities God gives us to instill truth into the hearts of our children. I wonder how many teachable moments I have just let pass me by. Yet, I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day. I love the reminder I get from each sunset that His mercies are new every morning. I can't help but think about our son Noah and what he must be experiencing right at this very moment. This sunset reminds me of the majesty and creativity of our Creator, and I am thankful as a stand in awe. I wonder what "pictures" God has shown my Noah...the majesty and glory of God must be truly incredible. This picture doesn't do it justice, but it wets my appetite, and I look forward-with joy-to be in the presence of God.

Psalm 145:3 -7 "Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; And His greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall praise Your works to another, And shall declare Your mighty acts. I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, And on Your wondrous works. Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts, And I will declare Your greatness. They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness, And shall sing of Your righteousness."

Kindergarten, Here We Come

Trent did great yesterday. Mike was able to get off work to meet us at school. We walked Trent to his room, found his locker, unloaded all his supplies, and went right to work. The teacher had centers all around the room for us to do with our children. Trent made the letters of his name in playdough. Then she read the book The Kissing Hand. I think it was just as much for the parents as it was for the kids. (If you haven't read it, it's a really sweet story. Highly recomend it.) The kids were all escorted out to recess and then the teacher had time one-on-one with the parents. She had little papers to write the kids notes to place in their lockers to "find" the next day. "Trent, Have a great day. We can't wait to hear all about your day. We are so proud of you and we love you very much. Love, Mom & Dad"