Just be Held

Back in February I got to go to a Casting Crowns concert. It was a much needed girls night out with some friends I don't get to hang out with very often. We laughed and cried as we sang along. This song was a new one for me, but it struck a chord. God has been working in my heart in very specific ways these last 7 years…through much heartache and loss, and yes, moments of joy sprinkled in too.

So thankful that EACH day I've been HELD!

Just wanted to share this tonight as I reflect on Emilie's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go


another year...

Missing her today especially.

our Emilie Alyse.

Heard this song this morning at church...so good...i've listened to this album so many times...


-This is not how it should be, this is not how it could be, but God is in Control!-

Drew asked if we could go get balloons and sing happy birthday at the cemetery.

So we did.

The boys showed Anna her big brother and sister's stones.





When we walked up I saw 3 big bunches of my favorite flowers...I was so surprised...yep, they WERE at my babies stones.

But Who? How? When?

My Stretcher Bearers!?!


Thanks, friends, for remembering with us today.

It means so much!

We know life goes on...dates just become days...so we are humbled and so grateful that you still show us you remember.

Thanks for loving our family and continuing to pray us through.

You blessed us so much today!


Everthing I Need...

and other random thoughts on grief.

3 months

Hard to swallow today.

Haven’t written in a while…

No words

Thoughts I’d rather keep secret…shame

Tired of the tears
…of questions to which I have no answers

Incomplete thoughts…mental blanks…no insight…so inadequate
Feeling lost

Missing her
Missing what should have/could have been
Where is my joy in the morning?
Missing her smiles, her blue eyes, her chubby thighs
Wanting to comb hair, place bows, pick out dresses

Constant reminders

Daily reminders here, there, and everywhere
Seeing the same dresses my Emilie was supposed to look so cute in on other babies
Why don’t I get the “happy ending too?”

Frustrated: trying to “suck in” my still swollen belly

Sick of my heart not surrendering to the truths I’m forced to keep telling myself
Feeling beaten up, wounded, bloodied…tired of the constant battle

Wishing my house was not so quiet
My Heart leaps, I Look around and past the hall to “her” room when I hear an infant’s cry only to realize my stupidity when I hear that it’s just coming from the tv commercial for NBC’s new show ‘Up All Night”

Hating the unknown…the triggers…wondering when I’ll get blind sighted with grief, her absence, tears pouring out – recalling only the brief memory of her. Did this really happen to me?

Awkward pause, lump in my throat, when I try to figure out what I should now call “her room” – it’s not just an office anymore. No, “computer room” or “boy’s game room” isn’t fitting either. I want it to be HER room. I want her to be here!

Wondering what the future holds

Trying not to feel defeated or slapped in the face while I reason with myself that His plans are perfect, it’s for my good…for the third time.

Grappling with the fact that His ways are not my ways…knowing my place (on my knees) before my Creator…not wanting to put Him in a place of submission to me and what I think He should do.

Wanting clarity
Wanting to see the big picture
Asking myself what I still need to learn…that I didn’t get the first 2 times.

Constant cycle:
More questions
Heart ACHE
More tears

Injustice of uncaring, irresponsible girls/women having babies
Why not me?

Reconciling the “knowing” and “feeling
Faith? Hope? Love? Really?
Faith! Hope! Love! Really!
How will You use this hurt, Lord?
Will You redeem it? …soon? …Please!
How could You use me?
How will You use my husband, Trent & Drew, Noah, Joanna, and Emilie?
I want to SEE, I want to trust, but I feel like a failure.
Keep me tender toward Your Spirit, give me strength to persevere, and to be faithful when it’s REALLY hard.

Give me a heart and mind focused on eternal things.

I’m praying others SEE YOU through me, even though I struggle…even though I question.
Redeem it, Lord, the sadness, the pain, the tears, the questions, the dirt and the ashes,
ALL of it.

And since I TRUST You WILL…

Help me as I wait for Your time!

Everything I Need


No Matter What

I know it's been a while.  I'd like to get back into the swing of blogging.  So many things to share and so little time.


This song has come to mind so many times this last week.  I just wanted to share.  No matter the circumstances, the pain, I cling to HIS promises...HIS character.  I've been challenged to move beyond just knowing to TRUSTING.

I've been studying the 23 Psalm.  Learning about sheep and THE Shepherd.  I'm realizing what I have in my Shepherd is far more than what I Don't have in this life.

Have a good week...


Would You Dare to Believe...

I Still Have a REASON to Sing.  It's been six months today.  Can't believe how the REALITY of my life has changed from what I thought WOULD be.  So I'm sittin'...thinkin'...cryin' today as I remember my little girl...BUT I can say I DO HAVE A REASON TO SING!  So, I choose to continue...even when the tears come...

I've head this song a few times now and I really like it!  I've said this before, but music has helped me so much as I process this thing called grief!  I'm so thankful for the HOPE I have.  When I went to youtube I found a link to the story behind this song...why it was written.  If you have time, check out this 10 min. video.  I love what the mom, Paula, says to her husband..."If we can trust God with our eternity, we've got to trust him with our NOW."  What a good reminder.  God knows right where I am NOW (not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally) and He's HERE carrying me through the hurt.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
 My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Thanks for letting me share...

And before you think this blog is only about sad stuff...I've recovered my pictures from the hard drive crash and I'll try to post more regularly :)

Here's a sneak peak of what's BIG in Trent's life these days.


Song of the Grieving

My mom gave me a cd before Noah was born. I like this song...you can hear part of it here.

Song of the Grieving

Lord, you can see our hearts filled with sorrow,
The tears that are falling down,
Someone we love has gone on before us,
And we're left with the questions now,

And we know in the bigger scheme it would seem
We'll see you again 'fore we know it,
But the truth is it feels like this wound might not heal,
We need Your mercy, Lord show it,
Please, hear our Prayer...

Give us grace to weather this storm,
And strength to grieve our loss,
And trust that you have not abandoned us in our pain,
Give us faith to believe that there's more than this,
And hope for out final home,
We stand here before You broken but still believing,
The song of the grieving.

We smile at the fact that your journey is done,
And your spirit is where it has longed to be,
We picture you now as you laugh with the angels,
Thanking the Lord that you're finally free,

And we know in the bigger scheme it would seem
We'll see you again 'fore we know it,
But the truth is it feels like this wound might not heal,
We need Your mercy, Lord show it,
Please hear our cry...

The song of the grieving
We're broken and beaten
We need your healing

-Matt Rexford


No words...

Joanna Claire was born at 7:28 am this morning July 28. She was a full 26 weeks old. She weighed 2lbs. 13 oz. and was 12 in long. Her hands and feet were so tiny. Thank you all for your prayers, I have felt a real peace today.
I wanted to share the lyrics to the song I kept thinking of today...
He Knows My Name

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call


While I'm Waiting...

This is a song I keep hearing on the radio and I really like it! Thought I'd share...

The lyrics...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord



As I was driving in the car this weekend, I was challenged by my kids' music. See, I listened to these same songs -well tapes- when I was little and jumped at the chance to buy them on sale in the Cedarville University bookstore a couple years ago. The truths I learned from Steve Green, as a kid, I'm excited to pass on to my kids. But this weekend I heard them in a new light as I continue to filter everything through this new trial we face. I just wanted to share something little that has encouraged my heart! These songs - straight from Scripture - I want my boys to learn, so they are "hidden in their heart" and can lean on the TRUTH when they face struggles of their own.

I must admit I don't always FEEL like God is there or knows what He's really doing. BUT, the Word I have hidden in my heart challenges these thoughts/lies. I'm so thankful God has preserved the Bible all these years, and because I believe every word is true, I KNOW that He truly IS in control, He's knit this little girl in my womb, His ways are perfect, and He will stick closer to me than a brother! I also had to smile when I listened to "A Joyful Heart is Good Medicine" from Proverbs 17:22.
***Update*** I tried to figure out how to attach the songs, but I can't. Oh well. You can listen to all of the songs in full length on Rhapsody.com. Click here to go there.


Down this road before...

Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers! I really drew strength today knowing we'd be lifted up before our Father's Throne. This follow up didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. The specialist and his ultra sound tech looked at the heart first. The pattern was still irregular and the heart rate was 112 (normal being from 120-160). The doctor said it was too early to see the actual structure of the heart to see why the heart is misfiring. He reassured us by sharing that, "the baby is not in heart failure." Of course I swallowed really hard at this comment wondering if that is where we're headed. I'll go back again in 2 weeks to hopefully get a better look at the heart's structure.

The tech also found a bit of fluid collecting at the back of the head. She measured it at .8 and under 1.0 is considered in the high range of "normal." Memories of Noah's diagnosis flood my mind, but I remind myself that we'll must take one step at a time and face each hurdle as it comes...not before.

The specialist left us by saying, "just continue to think happy thoughts these next two weeks." "Oh great, yeah sure," I thought at first - "that's how your leaving things with us?" But I know that we have something even better that we can do than "think happy thoughts." We'll be on our knees asking, probably more like begging, the CREATOR to help our baby mature and grow into a healthy child

As I lay on the ultra sound table, a very familiar face came in to let me know Mike had arrived. It was my wonderful nurse Susan. I looked forward to seeing her each visit with Noah. She gave me a big hug and she said how often she thinks of us. With tears welling in her eyes she shared how we had impacted her personally by carrying Noah. What an encouragement...she is a dear lady who is a shining light in an office where so often it is suggested to terminate a pregnancy. She has been an advocate there and shared with me a few times how she has used Noah's life as a reminder to the doc that we DO bond with our baby and enjoy that time being pregnant because often that is the ONLY time some women may get. She said she would fervently pray for us the next two weeks, and we would ask you to do the same as well. It's really hard not to think that we may be headed down such a familiar path, one that is so treacherous. But as I sat in the car listening to the radio, I realized I had zoned out until I heard these words...
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and
the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
There were/are so many things going through in my head, but the truth is I need only to listen to one voice and He says, "Do Not Be Afraid! This IS for MY GLORY! I am with you always."