Everthing I Need...

and other random thoughts on grief.

3 months

Hard to swallow today.

Haven’t written in a while…

No words

Thoughts I’d rather keep secret…shame

Tired of the tears
…of questions to which I have no answers

Incomplete thoughts…mental blanks…no insight…so inadequate
GRIEF
Exhausted
Feeling lost

Missing her
Missing what should have/could have been
Where is my joy in the morning?
Missing her smiles, her blue eyes, her chubby thighs
Wanting to comb hair, place bows, pick out dresses

Constant reminders

Daily reminders here, there, and everywhere
Seeing the same dresses my Emilie was supposed to look so cute in on other babies
Why don’t I get the “happy ending too?”

Frustrated: trying to “suck in” my still swollen belly

Sick of my heart not surrendering to the truths I’m forced to keep telling myself
Feeling beaten up, wounded, bloodied…tired of the constant battle

Wishing my house was not so quiet
My Heart leaps, I Look around and past the hall to “her” room when I hear an infant’s cry only to realize my stupidity when I hear that it’s just coming from the tv commercial for NBC’s new show ‘Up All Night”

Hating the unknown…the triggers…wondering when I’ll get blind sighted with grief, her absence, tears pouring out – recalling only the brief memory of her. Did this really happen to me?

Awkward pause, lump in my throat, when I try to figure out what I should now call “her room” – it’s not just an office anymore. No, “computer room” or “boy’s game room” isn’t fitting either. I want it to be HER room. I want her to be here!

Wondering what the future holds

Trying not to feel defeated or slapped in the face while I reason with myself that His plans are perfect, it’s for my good…for the third time.

Grappling with the fact that His ways are not my ways…knowing my place (on my knees) before my Creator…not wanting to put Him in a place of submission to me and what I think He should do.

Wanting clarity
Wanting to see the big picture
Asking myself what I still need to learn…that I didn’t get the first 2 times.

Constant cycle:
Anger
Disappointment
More questions
Heart ACHE
Tears
Submission
More tears

Injustice of uncaring, irresponsible girls/women having babies
Why not me?

Reconciling the “knowing” and “feeling
Faith? Hope? Love? Really?
Yes,
Faith! Hope! Love! Really!
How will You use this hurt, Lord?
Will You redeem it? …soon? …Please!
How could You use me?
How will You use my husband, Trent & Drew, Noah, Joanna, and Emilie?
I want to SEE, I want to trust, but I feel like a failure.
Keep me tender toward Your Spirit, give me strength to persevere, and to be faithful when it’s REALLY hard.

Give me a heart and mind focused on eternal things.

I’m praying others SEE YOU through me, even though I struggle…even though I question.
Redeem it, Lord, the sadness, the pain, the tears, the questions, the dirt and the ashes,
ALL of it.

And since I TRUST You WILL…

Help me as I wait for Your time!

Everything I Need
 

In case you didn't believe it...

Here is

proof

that we do indeed have a

clone trooper

living with us!

Best Quote of the Week!

As I was saying goodnight to the boys and tucking Trent in, he said "Mom, I love it when you tuck me in." I smiled and then he said, "Guess who's gonna miss you when they go to college!"

Love that kid :)...and SO glad college is a ways off yet!

So thankful for the time I've been given to raise these 2 wonderful boys!

S-T-R-IIIIIIIIIII-K-E!

This little video is the last of the 3 stike outs Trent had IN A ROW this week.  Dad had to pay up and stop at the gas station on the way home to get 'T' some sunflower seeds!  I guess it was just enough of an incentive...Trent rose to the challenge and made it happen :) (or I guess some would say he was lucky)  Whatever the case, it was fun to see!

Feelin' Crafty

A few weeks ago I came across this post at Little Birdie Secrets.  It looked like a quick and easy project for me to do for Teacher Appreciation Week.  It was something to keep my hands busy while the boys were at school and ached to be caring for Emilie. It also gave me a good excuse to procrastinate on doing some housework.  Here is what my finished bookmarks looked like.

Some of you may remember what I made at the end of last school year for Trent's teacher.  If your looking for another idea, try this.  The "crayon initial shadowbox" was a big hit, Trent's teacher hung it by her desk and likes to tell me about all the comments she receives on it.  Do you have any favorite homemade teacher gifts?

Hey...

batter,

batter,

batter. 

BASEBALL is in FULL SWING for Trent.  Drew starts later this week!

Mother's Day

We traveled up to Michigan to spend the weekend with Mike's mom.  A bittersweet day for me...wish I could hug and squeeze all 5 of my kiddos.  Thankful, still, for the blessing of being a mom.  Hopfully I can do as good of a job as both our moms did for us!  Love you, Mom!

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day

With little time to stop and pray

For life's been anything but calm

Since You called on me to be a mom

Running errands, matching socks

Building dreams with building blocks

Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes

And other stuff that children lose

Fitting lids on bottled bugs

Wiping tears and giving hugs

A stack of last weeks mail to read

So where's the quiet time I need?

Yet when I steal a minute, Lord

Just at the sink or ironing board

To ask the blessings of Your grace

I see then, in my small one's face

That you have blessed me

All the while

And I stop to kiss

That precious smile