A Grief Moment

So today I'm having a Psalm 13:1-2 kind of day.

Let me explain.

This was part of the passage that our pastor shared at Emilie's Memorial Service. When we talked with him earlier in the week, he asked what verses had been a comfort to me. I shared that I could relate well to Psalm 13 and Psalm 40:1-4. So, he expounded on these passages and I wanted to share a little bit.

“ 1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide you face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

The first two verses David (who, by the way, experienced the loss of his baby boy) cries out in PROTEST. It just seems like God is absent, like He was not there on Wednesday when Emilie all but stopped moving. My faith, like David’s, expected God to not just be aware of what was going on, but to DO something about it. And because He didn’t, I/We ask “WHY?” I cry out, “You could have fixed this, God! We planned for her to come home…I was going to watch her grow up, watch her giggle with her brothers, smile when I saw her snuggle up in her daddy’s lap, bake cookies and snitch the dough, go shopping… this was my little GIRL, my beauty for ashes…WHY, GOD?”

I was encouraged as I reflected on David’s complaints…this was THE man after God’s own heart, after all. He had Faith! He expected God to be ACTIVE, and when it felt as though God was absent, he questioned. This was not a complaint out of faithlessness BUT because faith existed. David, Job, and even Jesus show us by example that prayers of complaint can also be prayers of faith. I’ve been reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and he says, “…Lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith – not a denial of it. It is supreme honesty before a God whom my faith tells me I can trust…Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world.”

In verses 3 & 4, David’s protest melts into PRAYER. David decides instead of continuing his complaint, He would as God for help. See, his faith never left, it just questioned, and that’s ok. God’s big enough for our questions! He realizes that God is our only resource, our hope. Despite his emptiness and confusion, David doesn’t stop pursuing God. He prays, “Consider me…Look at me…Be active in my heart.”

In verses 5 & 6, Prayer transitions to PRAISE. David remembers that God is Trustworthy. He has trusted in the past and knows/experienced God’s lovingkindness. It has been his rock in the past and so his heart will rejoice that this remains true - now and in the future. Like David and Job, we have wounds, marks, cuts, bruises, pains, and hemorrhages all over our soul, but it is not dead. We are broken but not destroyed. We plead for Him to show us His lovingkindness, and because we know He is faithful, we will sing again.


You know, I wish this process was quick, I wish it was a once-and-done kind of a thing, BUT IT’S NOT. Every day is different. I can be at the Praise phase and dissolve back to the Protest phase in mere seconds. I never know what will trigger the “Why’s” or the burning tears. So, I sit in a heap of ashes again and find myself fighting my way back through the Psalm 13 process…How long God?

Several things around the house have triggered tears lately…her room - the door closed; scratching some paint splatters off of the sink from when we cleaned out the brushes and roller; finding some plastic cups we bought months ago for grandmas house – a red, a blue, and…a pink one. There are constant reminders of having planned her into our family, into our future,

and we miss her...

...Terribly...

...and that's just how grief is...

...it rears it's ugly head at any time...

...it's unpredictable, and let me just vent a bit...I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! It's a road I'm intimately acquainted with, unfortunately, and I just wish I could jump to the other side where things are a bit more tidy, the tears are fewer, I see things more clearly, I can finish my sentences, and I can see a glimpse of some purpose in the pain.

But they don't call it the grief JOURNEY for nothing...and today,

I just don't like it!