What happened?

Our hearts ache tonight.  For those of you who don't know or were confused by my last post...

Emilie Alyse Koning was stillborn.

We don't know why or what happened.

Wednesday afternoon/evening I was getting uneasy as I hadn't felt her move much.  She has been very active, so it was a bit troubling to this momma.  I mentioned it to Mike and I drank some pop with dinner.  It had been a busy day, so I keep talking myself down that I really wasn't paying that good of attention, I just needed to put my feet up or lay down because everything was going to be fine.  I debated back and forth whether I should call the doctor on call, or even pay the stinking co-pay and just go to the hospital to get checked out...KNOWING that the next morning I had a scheduled doctors appointment WITH an ultrasound.  I didn't want to be the paranoid mom.

Now remember, each visit the doctor/midwife would reassure me that everything was going perfectly.  I heard things like, "you've got a HAPPY baby", "you're doing so well!", "you know you really have to believe that everything is going to be fine this time!"  I had questions, and I'd share concerns, and time after time the doctor/midwife would tell me not to listen to any other voices than theirs...and EVERYTHING LOOKED FINE!

I didn't even call the office at 8 or 9 to see if I could get in earlier (my appointment was at 10:45), I just prayed everything would be alright and trusted that it WOULD be...everything is fine, I'm just over sensitive, right!

So, I left Mike at home to finish painting the last coat in the baby's room.  "After all, everything would be fine! I've done this lots of times!" I kept telling myself.  Mike had taken Trent and Drew to Grandma's house in MI Tuesday night for part of their Spring Break so we could have a few days to just relax before Emilie was to arrive.  (We were pretty set to induce the next weekend...like maybe the 15th)

When I got to the doctors office and told them I was a little concerned because Miss Emilie wasn't moving as much as normal, they were just as shocked as I was when they waved the u/s wand over my belly.  Our hopes and dreams for this baby were shattered...AGAIN!  I looked at the screen and knew right away my worst fear was now a reality...there was no sound and no heart PUMPING, no movement, NOTHING.  I said, "It's not beating!?!" The doctor whispered with a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry."  The rest is a bit of a blur.  I raised my hands up to my head and just cried, "No, no, no!"  The doctor grabbed the wand again and took another look...his words will haunt me..."there is no edema, it's probably only been a couple of hours."  That stung more deeply..."No, don't tell me that!" I said through my sobs.  "I can't believe this is happening...WHAT HAPPENED?"

The midwife came in and hugged me for a little while.  Then she moved me into another room...in the back of the office, brought me a box of tissue and a glass of water and left so I could call Mike.  The only words I could hold it together to say, "Mike, you need to come!"  I sat there in the dark room in unbelief, shocked, hardly able to catch my breath, scorching hot tears running down my cheeks.

Mike arrived and the doctor came in to make plans for the next step.  We agreed that we'd go home get some things packed and head back up to the hospital.  I wanted to see her as soon as possible, while she still looked as alive normal as possible.

She was born breech (so her head was perfectly round) after only about 4 pushes.  No problems with the cord or placenta...she looked perfect - inside and out.  Lots of dark hair, a cute little nose like Trent, long skinny legs, and a pinky toe that curls under just like mine.  She was beautiful!  I looked at her eyes later too...and was surprised not to see black, but the brightest blue.  Reminded me of the clearest bluest ocean.  So pretty!   No explanations, no obvious problems, no answers.  They'll do some blood work and test the placenta, but I don't think we'll ever really now what or why...and that's so hard to swallow!

I'll close for now...many more emotions and details are running through my head - some I may share farther down the road.

Know that we have not lost faith...we continue to cling to the HOPE that we have in the TRUTH that we believe!  We have not LOST her... we do know she is in the arms of Jesus.  The reality is that our hearts are broken, no, more like shattered...I really want her in MY arms...we're sitting in a heap of ashes and it's not pretty... it's really hard to see any beauty from here.  BUT we do believe in THE God that sustains, draws near, is acquainted with grief - a man of sorrows- and who is moved by our tears!

You have no idea how sorry we are to take you on yet another grief journey.  We are not naive to think we travel alone.  Your friendship, love, and prayer have meant SO much more than we could ever express!  You have been a true example, especially to our boys, of Galatians 6:2.  "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."

Thank you for loving Him enough to sit in Our ashes!!
Kristin