How to Pray for Grieving Parents

Many of you have asked specifically how you can pray for us...so I put a list together.  I hope this gives you some ideas.  We are so THANKFUL for your prayers!!  We know that God is pouring out His grace on our family.  He is kind and generous to meet our every need - and then some!  Thank you for helping to carry our burdens, and sit and get dirty with us in these ashes!

A friend shared a list of what she is praying for us…

 Pray…

• That God would be our refuge. (unshakable trust) Ps 11:1
• That God’s love and presence surround us day and night. Rom 8:38-39
• That God’s strength would help us through the grieving process. Ps 27:13-14, 29:11
• That we will accept God’s wisdom, knowledge, judgments (decisions), and ways rather than ask “why.” Rom 11:33, Prov. 3:5-6, Is. 55:8-9 (That I wouldn’t obsess with the “what if’s.” The doctors could find NO medical reason as to why Emilie died; she was perfect in every way. This is hard to understand, but I must accept the mystery and trust that God knew the exact number of her days, that He is still on “plan A”, and no matter what I think I could have done to change the outcome – this was no mistake.)
• That we will not doubt God’s goodness or faithfulness. Rom. 8:28-29
• That guilt and depression will not overtake us. Phil 4:8
• That our marriage will be strengthened as we grieve uniquely. That we’d give each other the freedom to grieve differently. That communication will remain open and honest.
• That they will balance grief with their responsibilities as parents. (purposeful and consistent in love and discipline)
• For mom’s physical health - recovery from giving birth and restful sleep.
• That our boys would be protected during this confusing time as mom and dad grieve, and that they might have a sense of normalcy and security.
• That, in time, relationships with other moms (especially those who have daughters) be restored.

Some other things I thought of to pray for…


• That we would not feel alone, but sense God’s presence, and lean on the Holy Spirit as our Helper and Comforter and Truth.


• That we would experience His peace like never before, and grace sufficient for each day/minute.


• That the Lord would guard our hearts from words that hurt instead of comfort.

 

• For wisdom to discern “what to do next” and know “where to go from here.”

• That we could begin to see His plan…a mere glimpse of the purpose of our pain…for the third time.

• That we choose to be gracious and kind to each other instead of justifying criticism and frustration when we are hurting and sad.

• That we’ll be honest with our emotions and won’t be afraid to cry. (I wish I could just jump to the other side of the grief – been there done that, after all – but we must go THROUGH it. The process can be daunting.)

• That we would not waiver in our trust, hope, or joy in our sovereign Heavenly Father, nor would we lose our praise even through the tears.

• Even though life goes on (much more quickly for everyone else) that we know/trust God is with us right where we are. Remembering that He hears our cry and sees our tears.

• That we’d always be mindful of the hope of heaven. That we’d be eternally focused and not be comfortable to get caught up in the “stuff” of this world.

• That our family will overcome the spiritual battles; that Satan would fail in his plans to harm us because we continue (through His strength) to cling to Christ.


• That through our loss, because of our children Noah, Joanna, and Emilie, people will see the need for a personal relationship with God.


• That in time we can comfort others with the comfort that we received.

• That we would not hold tight fisted “our” children or “our” things. That we see them as gifts entrusted to our care for the time being.

Where I'm at...What I'm LEARNING...Lament

Did I mention that I was reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card?! It has been so helpful for me to think through, process, and reconcile my emotions of grief with my faith.


I want to share some of his thoughts on Job. He addresses the questions about how Job is able to maintain his sanity and his faith through all the trials. Card says,

“By what means is he able to hold on to his hope, to his God, while the first notes of the song of this impossible completed equation begin to resonate? The answer: by means of the counterpoint of another song, the song of lament. Lament keeps the door open, keeps Job on the dance floor with God till the music is over, until the two tunes are resolved.”

The dissonance of the two converging “songs” comes from the contradiction between two different ways of thinking. Israel had this equation about how the world worked. If they kept the Torah then God would bless them, and conversely, if they broke His laws then God must punish them. Yet, at some point in history, questions arose in which this formula had no answers…i.e. Job. Even though he had been “righteous” he still suffered loss and illness. There is no simple equation like this to live by. If anybody should prosper from this equation, after all, it should be Job! Michael Card poses that idea that

“God was preparing His people for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

Job’s “frustrated outpouring allows him to stay in the ring while everyone on the sidelines shouts at him to throw in the towel. By the end of the book, I always imagine Job and God standing with their arms around each other like a couple of weary boxers. Job’s jaw is swollen. One of his eyes is black. He must keep one arm around his Opponent in order to remain upright. But he has a grin on his bloody face that comes from the knowledge that it was never about winning the fight. It had absolutely nothing to do with being right. It was always, only about being faithful. Job has survived the prescribed number of bouts. He has finished his race. His reward? Does he get his children back? No, he gets God back.”

Card then shares about Job’s response to each of his losses. He points out verse 20 of chapter 1. Job physically made the motions of mourning, tearing his rob and shaving his head. But...

“what he does next, however, is totally unexpected, even unimaginable. What he does…seems unthinkable, almost impossible.

‘Then he fell to the ground in worship.’

Job is the sort of man who will simply not let go of God. To him, this is what worship means. He will stubbornly cry out in the groaning of this lament, which is worship, until God answers…Job stubbornly insists on maintaining the dialogue with the God who, for a while longer, remains infuriatingly silent. He continues to offer up to Him all his suffering, his suicidal groaning, his confusion and hurt, even his own deep disappointment with God. He has come to the desperate understanding that there is no other place to take them but to God.”

STAY WITH ME…I know this post is long, but THERE’S MORE GOOD STUFF…

“Today we would ask Job to leave all these negative emotions at the church door. They are not appropriate to nor do they fit inside the narrow confines of our definition of worship. And so, likewise, those of us who have nothing else to offer but our laments find the door effectively closed in our faces. It cost Job everything to teach us this lesson. It is time we learned it.

Worship is not only about good feelings, joy, and prosperity, though they are at the heart of it. While Jesus would pronounce a blessing on those who mourn we pronounce this curse. Those who ‘labor and are heavy laden’ can find no place in our comfortable churches to lay their burdens. We reason, ‘Who could possibly conceive of a God who would want to receive such worthless empty offerings?’ But Job desperately clings to such a God, one who encourages us to offer everything to Him, every joy and every sorrow. All our broken hearts. All our contrite spirits. Because He is worth it.”

I guess what I’m realizing is that what I thought was a lack of faith and trust in God (my emotions of disappointment, betrayal, and anger directed at God, who chose not to ACT when he could have saved my babies) really isn't.  It is more like a boxing match. I can duke it out, while leaning on Him to keep from falling, and when I’m weary and exhausted from the fight…I’m still standing before the prize. So, I go back to Card’s earlier point… “God was preparing His people [You and Me] for a deeper understanding of Himself and His hesed. (lovingkindness) Though they [You and Me] had consistently broken the covenant, God nonetheless remained faithful and loving…The reason to love [God] is not found on the other side of the equal sign of the equation. It is found in the inequitable, untranslatable hesed. Without the pain, Job [You and Me] might have never realized either the depth nor the dimension of this kind of relationship with God.”

So, I'm Learning...

to pour out my hurts,

my frustrations,

my brokenness,

and my disappointments before God as an offering...

He is the God who can and will...

make all things new, (Rev. 21:5)

give me a new song to sing, (Ps 40:3)

and who will give joy in the morning. (Ps 30:5b)

Beautiful Riddle

Matthew 13: 34-35


Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable. So was fulfilled what was spoken through the prophet:

“I will open my mouth in parables,

I will utter things hidden since the creation of the world.”


Beautiful Riddle


Emilie Alyse, what a mystery,
You, dear child, are a beautiful riddle.


You've left us here, left us with questions,
For you, sweet girl, are a beautiful riddle.


Even your name, Industrious and Noble,
Emilie Alyse, is a beautiful riddle.


Just like the disciples, we don’t understand this parable,
We need Jesus, little one, to explain this beautiful riddle.


We miss you so dearly, while we await the final answer,
To you, Precious Babe, and your beautiful riddle.


We love you, Emilie Alyse.
We love you, Beautiful Riddle. 

~Written by Uncle Kevin ~ April 2011

A Grief Moment

So today I'm having a Psalm 13:1-2 kind of day.

Let me explain.

This was part of the passage that our pastor shared at Emilie's Memorial Service. When we talked with him earlier in the week, he asked what verses had been a comfort to me. I shared that I could relate well to Psalm 13 and Psalm 40:1-4. So, he expounded on these passages and I wanted to share a little bit.

“ 1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide you face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

The first two verses David (who, by the way, experienced the loss of his baby boy) cries out in PROTEST. It just seems like God is absent, like He was not there on Wednesday when Emilie all but stopped moving. My faith, like David’s, expected God to not just be aware of what was going on, but to DO something about it. And because He didn’t, I/We ask “WHY?” I cry out, “You could have fixed this, God! We planned for her to come home…I was going to watch her grow up, watch her giggle with her brothers, smile when I saw her snuggle up in her daddy’s lap, bake cookies and snitch the dough, go shopping… this was my little GIRL, my beauty for ashes…WHY, GOD?”

I was encouraged as I reflected on David’s complaints…this was THE man after God’s own heart, after all. He had Faith! He expected God to be ACTIVE, and when it felt as though God was absent, he questioned. This was not a complaint out of faithlessness BUT because faith existed. David, Job, and even Jesus show us by example that prayers of complaint can also be prayers of faith. I’ve been reading A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and he says, “…Lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith – not a denial of it. It is supreme honesty before a God whom my faith tells me I can trust…Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world.”

In verses 3 & 4, David’s protest melts into PRAYER. David decides instead of continuing his complaint, He would as God for help. See, his faith never left, it just questioned, and that’s ok. God’s big enough for our questions! He realizes that God is our only resource, our hope. Despite his emptiness and confusion, David doesn’t stop pursuing God. He prays, “Consider me…Look at me…Be active in my heart.”

In verses 5 & 6, Prayer transitions to PRAISE. David remembers that God is Trustworthy. He has trusted in the past and knows/experienced God’s lovingkindness. It has been his rock in the past and so his heart will rejoice that this remains true - now and in the future. Like David and Job, we have wounds, marks, cuts, bruises, pains, and hemorrhages all over our soul, but it is not dead. We are broken but not destroyed. We plead for Him to show us His lovingkindness, and because we know He is faithful, we will sing again.


You know, I wish this process was quick, I wish it was a once-and-done kind of a thing, BUT IT’S NOT. Every day is different. I can be at the Praise phase and dissolve back to the Protest phase in mere seconds. I never know what will trigger the “Why’s” or the burning tears. So, I sit in a heap of ashes again and find myself fighting my way back through the Psalm 13 process…How long God?

Several things around the house have triggered tears lately…her room - the door closed; scratching some paint splatters off of the sink from when we cleaned out the brushes and roller; finding some plastic cups we bought months ago for grandmas house – a red, a blue, and…a pink one. There are constant reminders of having planned her into our family, into our future,

and we miss her...

...Terribly...

...and that's just how grief is...

...it rears it's ugly head at any time...

...it's unpredictable, and let me just vent a bit...I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! It's a road I'm intimately acquainted with, unfortunately, and I just wish I could jump to the other side where things are a bit more tidy, the tears are fewer, I see things more clearly, I can finish my sentences, and I can see a glimpse of some purpose in the pain.

But they don't call it the grief JOURNEY for nothing...and today,

I just don't like it!

Memorial Service

Memorial Service

for

Emilie Alyse Koning

Saturday, April 16

2:00 pm

Wallen Baptist Church

1001 W. Wallen Road

Fort Wayne, IN 46825



What happened?

Our hearts ache tonight.  For those of you who don't know or were confused by my last post...

Emilie Alyse Koning was stillborn.

We don't know why or what happened.

Wednesday afternoon/evening I was getting uneasy as I hadn't felt her move much.  She has been very active, so it was a bit troubling to this momma.  I mentioned it to Mike and I drank some pop with dinner.  It had been a busy day, so I keep talking myself down that I really wasn't paying that good of attention, I just needed to put my feet up or lay down because everything was going to be fine.  I debated back and forth whether I should call the doctor on call, or even pay the stinking co-pay and just go to the hospital to get checked out...KNOWING that the next morning I had a scheduled doctors appointment WITH an ultrasound.  I didn't want to be the paranoid mom.

Now remember, each visit the doctor/midwife would reassure me that everything was going perfectly.  I heard things like, "you've got a HAPPY baby", "you're doing so well!", "you know you really have to believe that everything is going to be fine this time!"  I had questions, and I'd share concerns, and time after time the doctor/midwife would tell me not to listen to any other voices than theirs...and EVERYTHING LOOKED FINE!

I didn't even call the office at 8 or 9 to see if I could get in earlier (my appointment was at 10:45), I just prayed everything would be alright and trusted that it WOULD be...everything is fine, I'm just over sensitive, right!

So, I left Mike at home to finish painting the last coat in the baby's room.  "After all, everything would be fine! I've done this lots of times!" I kept telling myself.  Mike had taken Trent and Drew to Grandma's house in MI Tuesday night for part of their Spring Break so we could have a few days to just relax before Emilie was to arrive.  (We were pretty set to induce the next weekend...like maybe the 15th)

When I got to the doctors office and told them I was a little concerned because Miss Emilie wasn't moving as much as normal, they were just as shocked as I was when they waved the u/s wand over my belly.  Our hopes and dreams for this baby were shattered...AGAIN!  I looked at the screen and knew right away my worst fear was now a reality...there was no sound and no heart PUMPING, no movement, NOTHING.  I said, "It's not beating!?!" The doctor whispered with a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry."  The rest is a bit of a blur.  I raised my hands up to my head and just cried, "No, no, no!"  The doctor grabbed the wand again and took another look...his words will haunt me..."there is no edema, it's probably only been a couple of hours."  That stung more deeply..."No, don't tell me that!" I said through my sobs.  "I can't believe this is happening...WHAT HAPPENED?"

The midwife came in and hugged me for a little while.  Then she moved me into another room...in the back of the office, brought me a box of tissue and a glass of water and left so I could call Mike.  The only words I could hold it together to say, "Mike, you need to come!"  I sat there in the dark room in unbelief, shocked, hardly able to catch my breath, scorching hot tears running down my cheeks.

Mike arrived and the doctor came in to make plans for the next step.  We agreed that we'd go home get some things packed and head back up to the hospital.  I wanted to see her as soon as possible, while she still looked as alive normal as possible.

She was born breech (so her head was perfectly round) after only about 4 pushes.  No problems with the cord or placenta...she looked perfect - inside and out.  Lots of dark hair, a cute little nose like Trent, long skinny legs, and a pinky toe that curls under just like mine.  She was beautiful!  I looked at her eyes later too...and was surprised not to see black, but the brightest blue.  Reminded me of the clearest bluest ocean.  So pretty!   No explanations, no obvious problems, no answers.  They'll do some blood work and test the placenta, but I don't think we'll ever really now what or why...and that's so hard to swallow!

I'll close for now...many more emotions and details are running through my head - some I may share farther down the road.

Know that we have not lost faith...we continue to cling to the HOPE that we have in the TRUTH that we believe!  We have not LOST her... we do know she is in the arms of Jesus.  The reality is that our hearts are broken, no, more like shattered...I really want her in MY arms...we're sitting in a heap of ashes and it's not pretty... it's really hard to see any beauty from here.  BUT we do believe in THE God that sustains, draws near, is acquainted with grief - a man of sorrows- and who is moved by our tears!

You have no idea how sorry we are to take you on yet another grief journey.  We are not naive to think we travel alone.  Your friendship, love, and prayer have meant SO much more than we could ever express!  You have been a true example, especially to our boys, of Galatians 6:2.  "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."

Thank you for loving Him enough to sit in Our ashes!!
Kristin

Behind the Name

Those of you who where curious…who asked…know that Mike and I had a hard time finding a name we both really liked. Even at the hospital I found myself looking at him and saying, “I think we’re going to go with…” When Emilie was born Mike said whatever you want…you decide. He favored her middle name more for the first name, but I couldn’t come up with a middle name I really liked. So for lack of time and any other options, really, Emilie Alyse stuck. I want to share with you about her name. I’ve always enjoyed researching the meanings and I wanted her name to “mean” something too. Although I wasn’t thrilled with the meaning of Emilie (industrious) it was the one name Mike and I agreed on. Alyse (noble) was a little better and when I put together and heard it flow, I just liked it. We talked with the boys about what her nickname could be and they both approved calling her Emi for short.

And of course I went back and forth (usually while lying in bed, wishing my mind would stop going, and I would just fall asleep) about how to spell her name. I wanted it to be unique – I liked Emilie with and –ie, because when I look at it, it reminds me of “Smile” and I thought that would always be a good reminder for me. I chose Alyse (common spelling = Elise) with an “A” more because I didn’t want her initials to spell “Eek!” I know, right, I spent way too much time obsessing about the possibilities!

I really wanted to tie a spiritual meaning into her name since we didn’t choose a “biblical” name. I began thinking about what my prayer for our daughter would be. I thought industrious/noble…and thought humble servant, servant of Christ…that’s what I want my daughter to be! When I was clearing out the office room to make room for all the baby stuff, I picked up this big oversized pillow/bean bag my very first class of 4th graders made for me. Each student put there handprint on it and on the back one of the moms wrote out Ecc. 9:10 – which was the verse from the bulletin board I made for the beginning of the year. It says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” Solomon reminds us here that we must grasp life’s opportunities and use them to the fullest in serving God. It was an “Ah, ha” moment – Yes, that’s it, that’s her name.

And I prayed…

“Lord,

Whatever Emilie’s hand finds to do, help her to do it with all her might – for YOU!”

“EMILIE ALYSE KONING”
  Born still
April 7, 2011
4:40pm
4lbs 6oz, 19 1/2in