20 weeks + 2 days

I headed to the doctors office again this morning with 2 boys in tow. Mike met us there and they enjoyed an old Superman cartoon in the waiting room. Words are hard to find today...it's mostly been tears and lots of dialog with the Lord...I'm weary.

I wish it was easier to trust...His plan, His timing, His ways, His purpose; trying to reconcile my daughters life and purpose, my pain, my fear, my tears.

As I wander down my hallway, I stop and often stare at the reminders I made and hung shortly after we said goodbye to Noah.

It's hard to believe we are wandering through this Valley of Weeping yet again...not that I thought we'd have an automatic pass telling us to move directly to "GO, collecting $200" after Noah either. But it's hard to walk this same road, that of losing my child. What more do I need to learn? What didn't I "get" through my thick head the first time? Is it something about myself that I need to examine, or is it so that the works of God may be displayed through [her] (John 9:1-3)? I don't know - I won't know on this side of heaven, and I'm trying to just be ok with that. His grace is sufficient for each moment, each day, each week. I follow a blog by Angie, the wife of Todd Smith - the lead singer for Selah, and she hit the nail on the head here.

Angie writes..."Several people have written me over the months and they have asked me this question in many different ways. 'Do you believe that God was responsible for taking your baby? How can you love a God Who would do that?' Here is my answer.
I don't know why she is gone, but I do know Who had the final say. And it wasn't the snake.
And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. "

I am willfully unconcerned with why. I can say most days, I feel this way- His grace allows me to say this. I just wish I could say this everyday with certainty! It's hard when I'm weary of walking this road.

Dr. W counted her heart rate at 47bpm today. He showed me the entirety of her profile on the screen...I saw a large black abdomen - fluid just completely surrounding everything. I can't believe that I can feel her move with such force sometimes...I imagined she'd be lethargic with such a slow heart. He said, "I know I've been wrong and haven't predicted a time frame the last couple of weeks, but I don't think by next week we'll have a heartbeat."

I'm weary...of this roller coaster. Physically watching my belly grow, and emotionally as our bond grows - it weighs heavy. The wondering and the waiting - it drains me. Thank you for praying us through this gap. Some days I haven't the words.

Please continue to pray for peace and rest as we wait. My mom and two brothers will be traveling to Israel for an amazing trip through the Holy Land beginning next week. I'm trusting that the Lord will work out the timing of our daughters arrival and my families travels. He knows my desires and so I'll lay them down at His feet and trust that His plan is perfect. (I just wish I could have a sneak peak, to see how it all works out.)

I look forward to the transformation of our Valley into Refreshing Springs...I know He is faithful to see us through.

With Love and Gratitude to our Saviour and our Friends,

The Konings

Baby girl

Well I'm just shy of 20 weeks. I can hardly believe we heard the doctor tell us "she would have no heartbeat tomorrow"...and that was 3 weeks ago. The doctor told me today that he really didn't think I'd make it through May. But as he saw her heart still beating, he told me "he's just along for the ride now." He said that the 50-60 bpm we continue to see/hear is from the ventricle. It is programed to beat at that rate regardless. The problem continues to be from the atrium. It doesn't seem to be working - it is just full of fluid. I asked how it was possible for her to even survive on 50-60bpm and he told me, "I can explain it." Later, he looked at the brain and turned on the blue and red color, it seemed as though their was brain activity, though he didn't say so in words. He reminded me as he's said before that the demand on her heart will only increase, but he can not predict when it will be "too much." As long as I'm healthy, he is willing to watch and care for me during this pregnancy. He told me he is seeing 3 other families right now who have chosen to continue their pregnancy as we have. I truly believe that the Lord is softening his heart...how can this not?

He said there is only one way he'd begin "pushing buttons." He said it isn't likely, but it is a possibility. I could get something called mirror(s) syndrome (he commented that I wouldn't find it on the internet!) Basically, the placenta would become so full of fluid that it would become poisonous to me and cause toxemia. That is the only way he would "push buttons" for me to deliver in spite of her heart still beating. Then he said, "After seeing your 2 boys last week, I'll be 'darned' if I let anything happen to you!"

I saw lots of black on the screen, indicating fluid. He showed me her intestines and liver just "floating around" in fluid. He said that she has some in her neck also. I asked about what she'd looked like after delivery. I asked if she'd look bloated? He said, "like the Michelin man, but not so big that you couldn't deliver." I picture it like the little bloated Ethiopian babies I've seen in pictures. I asked if there would be any other physical thing that would be abnormal. He said, "no, she'd look perfect." Again, he's admitted he's just along for the ride. What a crazy ride it is for us! Don't' have to understand it, just have to trust that God's ways and timing are perfect! Easier said than done some days, so thank you all again for lifting us up in prayer! You all have been such an encouragement to us. We are clinging to the hope we have through faith! Thanks for taking our hand, helping us up, and walking beside us down this rough road.I'm so thankful for our first two blessings!!! What joy they bring to our home!!!

Kindergarten Grad

I just wanted to post a few pictures. We are so excited for our first born. Trent has done so well this year...I really can't believe it's over! It went so fast, I can only imagine each year getting faster and faster.

Here is a glimpse of his first day...and his graduation day...has he changed a little (I mean other than getting smarter...it's so fun to hear him read)?

Doctor visit

Yesterday I took my boys with me to see the doctor. They mostly enjoyed the train table out in the waiting room, but did get a peek at their little sister and her heart on the u/s screen. They were well behaved and the doctor said, "Thanks for being so polite boys" as he left the room. A mother always loves to hear that!

Almost every time Mike and I go in, the doctor asks how many kids we have at home - and comments about how he's glad we have 2 healthy ones at home. Yes, we are too, but they can't replace Noah or this little girl we've been looking forward to having for so long. He just doesn't quite get it, but I know he's trying. He sees plenty of women who try an try and still have empty arms. He commented on how this affects ones faith. He thinks it might be different (our attitude, our faith) if we didn't have two boys already. All I know, what I choose to believe is that no matter what God is in control, His is faithful, and He is good.

The doctor said fluid is still accumulating, but calculated her heart rate at 60bpm a little faster than where it's been at 50. I asked, "So, what are you thinking?" He replied, "I'm not in that business anymore. I've been wrong the last to weeks, so I'll just plan to see you back in another week." I'll go back in again Wednesday.

**I couldn't resist putting up some pics of my boys from Trent's first baseball game last night. He did super. He had two catches and hit the ball each at bat:) It looked like he had a lot of fun. He played against 2 other boys from church, so it was fun to see them all out there playing together.

Drew, on the other hand, had fun gathering "porcupines." (he really was proud of his pile of pine cones!)

Memorial Day!

We enjoyed a weekend away from the norm and visited Mike's family in Michigan. It was nice to spend time with family.

We went to visit Mike's dad's grave. Our boys had never been there but had been asking what it looked like, so we loaded up in the van and had a nice time remembering and sharing with our boys. He fought in Korea, and was honored by the Boy Scouts with a flag by his grave.

We headed to the parade at noon. The boys huddled under a blanket with their cousins. It was so windy, but they still had a great time (and managed to grab a few tootsie rolls :)).
Then we headed back to grandma's for a cookout and a serious game of wiffle ball. It was so fun...to watch :)

Please keep our niece Rachel in your prayers. On Tuesday she began the bone marrow transplant process. She has been fighting leukemia for about a year now (she is 13 years old). Tue began 5 days of full body radiation, then comes a big dose of chemo, then the transfusion of bone marrow from her younger sister. Then at least 21 days in isolation while they wait for the grafting to take. It will not be a fun or easy road! Pray for no side-effects, and that her body will not reject the donor marrow.

Watching and Waiting...

Monday I did go in to have a check-up, it was more of the same, so I didn't post anything. The heart rate was 55 bpm and fluid was obviously building up in the abdomen and around the heart. He asked me to come back in Wednesday.

Some of you know, my mom rented a fetal doppler for me. It has been so nice to pick it up whenever and try to find the baby's heartbeat here at home. I was a little nervous (before I could really feel the baby move) that I wouldn't know when/if she died. So this has been such a "peace of mind" thing for me. FYI- I've been feeling her move a lot lately...most of all when I was having my pedicure...guess she's destined to be a girlie girl!

So all that to say, Wednesday morning after I got up, I checked to find a heartbeat and I found one...50 bpm. I called the office and asked if I really needed to come in, and the nurse said not Wednesday, but definitely before the end of the week. I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday -so I decided that would be a good time.This morning, I walked into the office confident, having already found the heartbeat this morning. Sure enough as I looked at the screen and saw the pulsing white blob, the doctor said, "I know you weren't born yesterday." He really has no explanation (medically) as to why our baby girl is still alive. (though we know - like Job - that God holds "the life of every living thing, and breath of all mankind." Job 12:10 He is revealing Himself through our little girl.

Our doctor explained more about why the heart is not working. There is a large opening between the left and right ventricle and it is filled with fluid. The right ventricle "knows" to pump without the command/impulse from the 'atrial septal' (I think that's what he called it) This impulse is only getting through 1 out of 7 beats - so it's pretty ineffective! I asked about any other abnormalities especially the head and the presence of fluid. He said, "It looks better than before." He also prefaced this by saying, "I don't want you to get your hopes up, I can tell you this because of how you've been handling everything so maturely, the outcome will be the same as 2 years ago, but the heart actually looks better than Monday. It was swimming in fluid Monday and today it's just not." He also said he's, "done making predictions, but he wouldn't be surprised if come June baby was still ticking." Wow that's different than what we've been hearing these last 2-4 weeks -doc just trying to predict when her heart WOULD NOT be beating.

He also mentioned that he thought our girl had Trisomy 13...I'm not totally convinced yet because he hasn't given any other indication as to other abnormalities, so he's just going on the heart issues. I'll have to research this a little bit more. Who knows! But like he said earlier Trisomy 13, like Noah's Meckel-Gruber, is fatal. He said he'd see me next Wednesday. After he left the room, I looked at Mike and my nurse and I just laughed. What is the Lord up to?? The nurse looked at me and shared, "You're really messing with him! He's stumped!"

I've been so prepared to have to say goodbye this last week, that it's nice to think I could have another week to enjoy being pregnant and feeling my little girl twist and turn and kick within me. Again, thank you for praying!!

Just because...I finally decided to just go and buy some yarn to make a blanket. I've wanted to for a couple weeks, but just thought I wouldn't have time to actually finish it. So, I started it last night and I got a fair bit done :) Something special for my little girl. Made with love and prayers by her mama.

And then last night, after the kids were "in bed" (remind me to post a "Not Me" Monday post about this) some friends came over to plant a pink lily they had bought for our little girl. It's beautiful and it was such a thoughtful expression of love for our family. I'm excited that it has lots of buds, so we can enjoy lots of flowers in the weeks ahead :)

Many of you have asked about a name...we would share, but we haven't decided yet. I've been scouring a couple books I checked out of the library :) Mike and I both would like to find a name with a special meaning...so you'll just have to wait...

Micah 7:7 "But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me."

Weekend fun!

Grandma came this way for a few days when the doc told us our girl would not have a heartbeat by Friday...well, when her heart WAS still beating we decided to take advantage of our time together. The boys had fun with paint...and we had fun with a little paint ourselves. We 3 girls went for a relaxing pedicure :)

The boys painted pictures... We enjoyed Trent's soccer...

But, Drew's game was rained out...