I headed to the doctors office again this morning with 2 boys in tow. Mike met us there and they enjoyed an old Superman cartoon in the waiting room. Words are hard to find today...it's mostly been tears and lots of dialog with the Lord...I'm weary.
I wish it was easier to trust...His plan, His timing, His ways, His purpose; trying to reconcile my daughters life and purpose, my pain, my fear, my tears.
As I wander down my hallway, I stop and often stare at the reminders I made and hung shortly after we said goodbye to Noah.
It's hard to believe we are wandering through this Valley of Weeping yet again...not that I thought we'd have an automatic pass telling us to move directly to "GO, collecting $200" after Noah either. But it's hard to walk this same road, that of losing my child. What more do I need to learn? What didn't I "get" through my thick head the first time? Is it something about myself that I need to examine, or is it so that the works of God may be displayed through [her] (John 9:1-3)? I don't know - I won't know on this side of heaven, and I'm trying to just be ok with that. His grace is sufficient for each moment, each day, each week. I follow a blog by Angie, the wife of Todd Smith - the lead singer for Selah, and she hit the nail on the head here.
Angie writes..."Several people have written me over the months and they have asked me this question in many different ways. 'Do you believe that God was responsible for taking your baby? How can you love a God Who would do that?' Here is my answer.
I don't know why she is gone, but I do know Who had the final say. And it wasn't the snake.
And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. "
I don't know why she is gone, but I do know Who had the final say. And it wasn't the snake.
And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. "
I am willfully unconcerned with why. I can say most days, I feel this way- His grace allows me to say this. I just wish I could say this everyday with certainty! It's hard when I'm weary of walking this road.
Dr. W counted her heart rate at 47bpm today. He showed me the entirety of her profile on the screen...I saw a large black abdomen - fluid just completely surrounding everything. I can't believe that I can feel her move with such force sometimes...I imagined she'd be lethargic with such a slow heart. He said, "I know I've been wrong and haven't predicted a time frame the last couple of weeks, but I don't think by next week we'll have a heartbeat."
I'm weary...of this roller coaster. Physically watching my belly grow, and emotionally as our bond grows - it weighs heavy. The wondering and the waiting - it drains me. Thank you for praying us through this gap. Some days I haven't the words.
Please continue to pray for peace and rest as we wait. My mom and two brothers will be traveling to Israel for an amazing trip through the Holy Land beginning next week. I'm trusting that the Lord will work out the timing of our daughters arrival and my families travels. He knows my desires and so I'll lay them down at His feet and trust that His plan is perfect. (I just wish I could have a sneak peak, to see how it all works out.)
I look forward to the transformation of our Valley into Refreshing Springs...I know He is faithful to see us through.
With Love and Gratitude to our Saviour and our Friends,
The Konings
5 comments:
Kristin, it's hard to believe sometimes that nearly 13 yrs. have passed since we lived in the blue dorm together... but here we are.... still in touch... You are the same sweet, sensitive, and wise friend that I knew then... Life has given us some twists and turns and yet you still are all those things, but a deeper light shines that can only come from our Heavenly Father. Please know that I pray for you. You are an encouragement to me. I'm struggling myself with what "might" come if God choses to bless us with another baby after losing our 2nd one. Love ya old friend :)
Oh, Kristin, words cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for you. I've been praying for you and thinking of you and your daughter. Oh, my heart goes out to you.
Love,
tara
Kristin, Mike, and boys--I pray for you, and I will continue to--that you will know that He is with you and that you will not be burned when you walk through the fire--even when He calls you to walk through twice in a short period of time. I'm so sorry that you have been called to endure this trial--again, and I'm so sorry for your sadness and tears.
We are praying for you often. I'm also praying for the timing of everything with your mom and brothers going to Israel.
I don't have words except that God knows and loves you and that sweet baby. Cling to Him.
I wish I had words that could comfort or strenthen you. I know that only God can do that. I am sure God has some amazing wonders in store for you- and I dont think this is happening to you because you didnt get it the first time. Your strength inspires and amazes me. I read your blog since my church sent a prayer request out. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. May Jesus hold you tenderly and bless you in amazing ways..
Mary Mead in WA
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