Appointment

Today I went to the doctor to have my "6 week check up." Hard to believe it's been that long since I felt the warmth of her body as they tenderly placed her on my stomach. I will never forget that, nor the cold of her checks, just hours later, as I gently stroked them. No, I'll never forget.

Time doesn't heal, but it cauterizes.

Each day is another step on this journey of grief, toward healing, and learning what my normal is now.

Okay, back to my appointment, everything went fairly well. The midwife that delivered Joanna took time to talk with me and make sure I was doing okay emotionally, not just physically. She and my doctor said how surprised, no pretty much shocked, he was when the results of Joanna's testing came back perfectly normal; her chromosomes exactly the way they should be. The doctor said again how glad he was we have our two boys...that what happened with Noah and Joanna were isolated occurrences...that I don't have to worry that I'm "damaged goods" (not the words I'd choose to describe my circumstances, but oh well)...I guess he meant that I shouldn't blame myself, that my body is not letting me down, or that I'm not doomed in the pregnancy department.

As he was leaving, I thanked him again for his care. I shared that I was apprehensive about coming back to see him this time. He rambled off about understanding that it would bring back unpleasant memories. But, I wanted to be sure to say that I appreciated his attitude and respect of our choice to carry Joanna. I emphasized how his support really made a difference. He shared how he's learning from his patients, he's changing how he does some things, and that his nurse is "softening" him.

I left a CD of Joanna's Memorial Service and a DVD of pictures...like I posted a while back...I hope his curiosity will be peaked and that he'll take a chance on listening to them. I've been thinking about what I can give to my doctor and his staff, to keep at the office, that would serve as a visual reminder of Noah and Joanna and the extraordinary and unexpected time I was given to carry my children. I'm thinking about giving them the "Cherish" Willow Tree figurine...it looks like this...

Thanks for "listening", friends. I'm reflecting on these verses tonight...I weep, but not without hope...

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage...
when they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings."

Psalms 84:5-6